In Your Shadow
by Lavien Rose
Summary: "I want to give you a gift.." As Cloud struggles to deal with the events of the previous year, he is offered help from a surprising source. But will this 'gift' prove to be a blessing or a curse?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note : This is a slightly AU fic, containing yaoi, implied sexual activities and violence. If none of this offends you, please read on. This is my first fic, but if you dislike it feel free to tell me. I promise not to cry (much). **

_An Unexpected Gift_

**Cloud, 22**

There was a longing, deep inside his soul. Life may go went on, cities rebuilt and people healed, but this ache was eternal. Even when he decided to move on, things weren't that easy.

He didn't understand it. Grief, he could understand. He had felt guilt, anger and sorrow, all over the course of one insane year. Sometimes, it seemed as if he would drown in a sea of his own remorse, but no matter how bad he felt, he was always able to pull through. Just.

This was different. Daylight didn't banish it, happiness never fully replaced it. It felt like an old hurt, repressed but not entirely forgotten. A yearning for…something.

He shook his head. This line of thought was frustrating. There were no answers, or rather none he could remember. So much of his own past remained in shadow.

"Cloud?" Tifa's concerned tone interrupted his fruitless musing. He looked up at her. The bar was almost empty. Tifa had closed it earlier in the day, inviting only the rag tag members of Avalanche. They had all arrived. None of them would miss this.

"Yes?" he replied, attempting a reassuring smile. He knew that she worried about him. He could see the stress in the set of her jaw, the lines on her brow.

"Would you like a drink?" Tifa asked. Cloud shook his head. He had tried getting drunk once, to try and forget the sorrows of the past year. It had worked too well. He had lost all sense of self, getting muddled in memories that weren't his own.

"Alright, then," she said in a falsely cheerful voice. She left to get Barret another drink. He and Cid were already drunk. The two of them were reminiscing loudly. Cloud was glad Marlene was already in bed. It wouldn't do for her to see her foster-father acting like this.

"She was…she had class. Even though she was jus' a little girl in the slums, she had something..Shit, she was a freaking ancient. That practically makes her an angel."

"A sweet kid," Cid agreed drunkenly. "Damn shame. Deserved better."

She had deserved so much better. A protector who could actually keep her safe. A life of comfort, with the one she loved. He had taken that away from her. If Zack had been on his own, if he hadn't been dragging Cloud along, he would have survived. If Zack had survived, he would have saved Aeris. Cloud was sure of this.

"The death of an angel is a hard burden to bear," Vincent said, his crimson eyes staring directly into Cloud's mako-blue ones.

"Yeah." Another man would have told Cloud he wasn't to blame, but Vincent wasn't the type to preach forgiveness. Vincent's own guilt stretched on inside him, unabated.

The group suddenly fell silent as each member contemplated the beautiful woman who had been with them all too briefly. Each and every one of them owed something to the flower girl. She had been a living angel in a world of monsters.

She had been too good for him. She had been drawn to him, perhaps, but he had only been a shadow. A slip shod replacement for a hero. He would never be Zack's equal.

Everyone was staring at him. All those eyes, focused on him, felt invasive. He had to get away from their accusing stares.

"I'm going to bed now," he announced bluntly. He couldn't stand another minute of this.

"It's late," Tifa agreed stiffly. The other members began to make plans to leave. The mood was abruptly broken.

Cloud went straight to bed. He scrunched up into a ball, trying to hold himself together. His tormented thoughts swirled around his head, moving in fixed circles until he wanted to scream.

He had failed a beautiful woman and in doing so, failed a friend. If only Zack had taken someone else, anyone else, along with him. Or, better yet, left him in that laboratory.

Why _had_ Zack taken him? Cloud thought they had been friends, but could only remember talking to him a handful of times. Why would Zack risk so much for someone he barely knew?

Maybe he had been the sort of person who couldn't leave anyone in trouble. That sounded right. It was the sort of thing a proper hero would do.

"It would have been better if I had died." He heard a shocked intake of breath. Cloud opened his eyes. Tifa was standing in the door way, her hands over her mouth.

She walked over to the bed.

"Don't say that. Living in the past, in the 'what ifs' and 'maybes' isn't helpful. You can't live your life like that." Gently, she sat down on the bed and began to rub his back, as if he were a child.

"No one thinks that things would have been better if _he _had been there," Tifa continued. "No one."

"Not even Aeris, or Zack?" Cloud asked bitterly. Tifa lay down beside him, thinking.

"I don't know about Aeris," Tifa answered honestly. "But I don't think Zack would do things differently, even if he was told the outcome. He was the sort of person who would have wanted to give you a chance, even if it meant giving his own life."

"I just don't think it's fair…" Cloud said. He turned so that he was facing Tifa..

"Life isn't fair," Tifa said. "You just have to keep on doing the best you can with what you've got."

With that, she kissed him. He wrapped his arms around her and returned the kiss. Just for a moment, her warmth banished the darkness inside his heart. For that moment, nothing else existed. Just her.

_Two warriors stood, back to back, overlooking a desolate plain. Between them was a sword, its blade buried deep in the earth. The smell of blood and death lingered in the air. In the distance, the lights of a city long destroyed shone like an elusive beacon. _

_ The rain fell from the heavens, the tears of the planet. Cloud remembered this place. He remembered the corpses which had lay on the battle field. He remembered his friend and his final request. He remembered the long walk, along the sand. _

_ "I want to give you something." Zack's voice shocked Cloud. The sound of it, so near, was completely unexpected. _

"_A gift?" _

"_In return for all your pain and suffering. I want to give you a gift."_

**Cloud, 16 **

"Cloud! Hey, we're almost home!" Cloud felt himself being shaken gently awake. He felt groggy. The events of the previous mission were swirling around in his mind.

He must have passed out, then, during the mission. He'd been trying to delay Hollander. He'd wanted to give the SOLDIER some time. Zack, that's right. The SOLDIER who'd been looking for Genesis.

They'd run into more then they'd bargained for. He was sure if Shinra had realised they would run into _both_ of their missing First Class SOLDIERs they would have sent better men.

Instead, the only back up Zack had been given was a couple of infantrymen and the leader of the Turks, who was more suited to espionage then outright combat. In the end, Zack must have been on his own. Clearly, they were okay now. What had happened?

Cloud groaned. All this thinking was making his head _hurt. _He'd never passed out before and as far as new experiences went, he was not enjoying this one. He sat up slowly.

Looking around, he noticed he was pressed up against the back of the helicopter, away from the others. Zack was looking at him worriedly.

"What happened?" Cloud asked.

He saw Zack exchange a glance with Tseng, who gave him the nod. Were they planning on keeping him in the dark, or would he find out the truth?

"Angeal's dead." The words were delivered flatly. Looking at Zack, though, showed what he was truly feeling. His jaw was clenched, his shoulders tense. Something had gone wrong, then?

"Looks like we finished the mission," Cloud said nervously. Not really 'we', he added to himself. No one replied.

Zack turned away and looked straight ahead. His eyes were darker then normal, closer to black then blue. The effect, combined with the swirling green of the mako in his eyes, was striking.

The helicopter began to descend.

Looking out he could see Midgar from above. From here, it looked almost beautiful. The green lights reflected off the dark metal, giving the buildings an eerie glow.

Almost beautiful, but not quite. It was too sinister, filled with secrets and unchecked ambition. It would never match the natural beauty of the mountain ranges Cloud still called home.

"Secrets within secrets," said Zack, as if he was reading Cloud's mind. Cloud looked up. The SOLDIER's fists were clenched tight in anger. Cloud wondered who he was angry at. Hollander? Genesis? Angeal? Or just Shinra in general?

The helicopter shuddered to a stop on Shinra's private landing space. It was quite literally the top of the city, overlooking Midgar's 'top plate'. It was a statement more then anything; no one overshadowed Shinra.

Cloud had never known any other reality. To him, it was the natural order of things. If he wanted to get better, if he wanted to really get stronger, he had to work for Shinra. That was the only way.

"Wait," said Tseng commandingly. As leader of the Turks, Shinra's special SOLDIER-recruiting division, Tseng had authority even over Zack. Not official authority, maybe, but everyone knew that the Turks did more then just recruit for Shinra. Blackmail, spying, assassination; no job was too dirty for a Turk, as long as it was off the record.

"What?" Zack sounded oddly narky. His once friendly tone was gone. Even his stance was different. At that moment, Cloud realised that he never, ever wanted to antagonise this SOLDIER.

"You understand, the happenings of this mission are entirely confidential. You are to tell _no one _what happened without official company clearance. Understood?"

"Yes, sir," Cloud replied quickly. He could have figured that out without being told. He was pretty sure that scientists conducting human experiments and SOLDIERs mutating into monsters was not something Shinra wanted to be public knowledge.

Zack's reply wasn't quite as nice.

"Yeah, sure, I'll keep the company's precious reputation safe." With that he left the helicopter. Cloud followed him out, wondering whether he should run after him.

It was a silly impulse. What could he possibly do or say in this kind of situation?

The answer was nothing, but at the same time Cloud couldn't just let him run off like that. The look in his eyes was dangerous.

Before Cloud decided on his course of action, the SOLDIER turned around. Zack paused for a moment.

"You did well, back there," he said at last. "I enjoyed working with you."

Before Cloud could object – he'd passed out, after all – Zack was gone. He wondered where the older boy was headed, but decided it was none of his business. It was not like he was ever going to see him again, anyway.

He felt slightly disappointed. It had been nice, just for a second, to talk to someone who really seemed to understand him. Just for that one moment, they'd shared…something.

Ludicrous, really. Zack was a soldier, an elite. He had much better things to do then hang around with little boys who couldn't make the cut and passed out during important missions. What could they possibly have in common?

Cloud went up to the main barracks, deciding he'd have a warm shower before bed. He thought about going to the medical centre but decided not to. Neither Tseng nor Zack seemed to think there was anything worth wrong with him and his headache was beginning to recede.

The barracks were crowded when he arrived. Rambunctious young boys ran around, partying for the night. Those people who weren't on duty but didn't have leave all hung around in their room.

Jeers rose up as Cloud entered. Some of them were good natured, most of them were not. Cloud had thought his social problems were just the result of his standing in his home village, but it seemed like no matter where he went, people were determined to hassle him.

'Not Zack, though,' Cloud thought as he grabbed his Shinra-issue pyjamas. Loneliness suddenly overwhelmed him. For a single moment he wanted nothing more then to be cuddled up in bed, listening to the distinctive sound of the mountain winds.

He went the bathroom, craving privacy and company at the same time. The heat of the shower dispelled some of his misery. He blamed his nostalgia on his still-muddled state.

Relaxed and suddenly sleepy, Cloud decided he would quickly check if he had any mail before turning into bed. He felt a sudden need to communicate with home and his mother didn't have a cell. He would just have to hope for a letter.

Luck was on his side. A single white envelope was resting in his pigeon hole. He clutched it close to his chest, knowing from unfortunate personal experience that people would try to steal it. Having his mother's _private _correspondence read out to the whole dorm was not his idea of fun.

When he was safely settled into his bunk he pulled out his private reading light. It had been the first thing he had bought on his pittance of a wage. The rest of it he had sent home to his mother, in the hopes of providing her with a better life. When she had asked about it in the next letter, he had told her it was only a fraction of what he earned.

_Dear son, _she wrote_, I hope all is well. It is winter up here in the mountains. The cold seems to pierce my bones fiercely this year. I swear this is Gaia's way of reminding us that we are merely guests, living on her surface. _

_ Still, it is beautiful. I have lived on the mountains too long to surrender my glorious white winters. I think you would like it at the moment, too. You always did love the snow. I'm surprised you didn't freeze solid. _

_ Tifa has been asking about you, lately. I tell her about all the places that you have been. She really seems to enjoy the stories. Maybe she would like to move out into the world, but is nervous about offending her dad. I think she should go. You are only young once and it is up to her to live her own life. _

_ Missing you as always._

Letters from home always felt bitter-sweet. The mission had filled his mind with doubt and confusion over the workings of Shinra, making him miss home more then ever. Even so, he could not regret leaving.

He was still working towards his goal. If Tifa was asking for him, it only proved that he needed to work harder, so he could become someone that had the strength to protect her. A hero, just like she wanted.

Cloud pictured snow storms and comfy houses in an effort to chase the monsters from his mind. Eventually, he was soothed into a deep sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

_Pleasant Company_

**Cloud, 22**

"You alright?" Tifa's gentle question was enough to rouse him from his sleep.

"I'm fine," he replied groggily.

"I thought you were having a nightmare," she confessed, almost sounding guilty. Cloud shook his head.

"Not tonight." Unlike every other night, he added to himself.

Tifa murmured something and then rolled over to get some more sleep. She was clearly exhausted. Cloud tried to follow her example, but sleep eluded him. He sat up and got dressed.

Cloud had expected to be the only one in the kitchen so he was surprised to see Yuffie there, looking forlornly out the window. She turned around.

"What are you doing up?" she asked, sounding almost accusing.

"What are you doing here?" Cloud countered. Yuffie gave him one of her trademark wide grins.

"Tifa offered me her room," she said. "I have some business with WRO."

There was a sly glint in her eye that Cloud was beginning to mistrust.

"Of course, I suppose as you and Tifa are _sharing _now, it's really just the spare room." Cloud shrugged. If she thought he was going to react to her teasing, she was sadly mistaken. It wasn't like there was anything for him to be ashamed of.

The girl watched him for a few moments before sighing in disappointment. She was so transparent sometimes. He might have been tempted to write her off as a child if he hadn't seen her passionately and responsibly campaigning for the rights of her people. She was a strange mixture of maturity and childishness.

The thought reminded him of the strange dream-memory. In the dream, he had kind of felt like that. He had been caught up in a world too big for him and forced to make the best of it.

"Hello? Anyone in there?" Yuffie was staring at him in annoyance.

"Did you say something?" Cloud asked.

"I asked if you wanted breakfast."

"I'll get it myself," said Cloud and he went to do just that. Yuffie was an A-class klutz, a rather bizarre trait for a girl trained to be a ninja. She was fine on the field, he had seen her fight enough times to attest to that. It was only when she was doing household chores that she seemed to have trouble.

Cloud heard the thundering of footsteps upstairs. The two kids were up and about. He waited for the inevitable ambush.

Marlene ran up to Yuffie happily and gave her a hug. Denzel, however, was more reserved in his greetings. Even after knowing them for six months, Denzel was still nervy around Cloud and the members of Avalanche.

Cloud prepared his breakfast and helped get the kids theirs, too. It would spare Tifa some work.

She still wasn't up yet, but he supposed she was tired from yesterday. Cloud was glad he could help her out, if only a little. Most of the time, he was out working, leaving her to look after the kids and manage the bar herself.

They were halfway through their breakfast before Tifa woke up. She looked delighted to see them all eating together. This made him feel vaguely guilty. He tried to be around as much as possible, but there was always so much to be done.

This weekend had been a 'gift' from Reeve. He had insisted that Cloud spend it with his family and promised not to call him. It was an opportunity he was honestly grateful for. He wanted to make an effort to be a bigger part of his family's lives.

Yuffie left quickly, saying that she wanted to catch Reeve early. She would need to, Cloud reflected, considering how busy the WRO was. Rebuilding a city was no small task.

"We should probably get going. I have to get an order list sorted out. I wish I could do it some other time, but…"

"If you don't get it done, it'll be ages before another truck is brought in," Cloud finished. "I understand."

The complete removal of the Mako industry had not come without a price. Petrol was still rare, cars which ran on it even rarer. They would start using coal energy, for now, but Cloud knew that wasn't the WRO's final objective. One day, the planet would be fuelled on totally renewable energy. In the meantime, they used what little resources they could find.

Tifa left with Marlene, who was determined to 'help'. Denzel retreated to his room, leaving Cloud on his own. It was exactly what he had been trying to avoid. When he was by himself, his thoughts turned automatically to the dream.

'Why show me, anyway?' he wondered pensively. Zack had called it a 'gift', so he supposed the older man thought he would enjoy it. He supposed he had, but in some ways it had only left him more confused.

Was this going be the only dream, or would there be more? Was he going to see all his unremembered past, or only the memories he had shared with Zack? And how was this possible, anyway?

Cloud had spent the day sitting fitfully around the house, trying to amuse himself. He had tried everything, from reading to watching TV to sitting outside. Nothing amused him for long.

The dull monotony of the day was broken by Yuffie's arrival. She had appeared exhausted and disgruntled.

"Can I stay here for a few days?" she pleaded when Tifa had asked her what was wrong. "Apparently, nothing's going to happen quickly and I don't want to stay with all the snobs up at the WRO headquarters."

Tifa had agreed and the girl had gone up to change and mind the kids. Cloud had to admit that it was nice of her to volunteer to help, even though he had mixed feelings about her staying around his house.

Cloud had wanted to hang around the bar, talking to Tifa, but there were too many customers for this to be possible. He wondered when they would finally find an opportunity to just _talk_.

Discouraged, he left to have a shower and go to bed. Maybe this dream would provide excitement to his otherwise boring life…

_Again, they stood back to back, overlooking a desolate plain. This time, the rain had stopped and a hint of sunshine was visible through the thick clouds. The city which lay on the horizon was no longer Midgar, but Edge. _

_ "What exactly are you going to show me?" Cloud asked. _

"_The final missing piece of the puzzle. The answer to a question you don't remember..."_

_ Cloud went to turn around and beg more answers from his friend, but before he could the ground crumbled underneath his feet. He was falling…_

**Cloud, 16**

The incessant screeching of Cloud's alarm clock relentlessly signalled the start of the day. Cloud would have liked nothing more to stay in bed and ignore it; he'd only gotten back from his mission the yesterday after all. It didn't seem fair that he had to go to the morning exercise.

But it was his group's turn and if he missed out on that, he would cop it from his sergeant and the rest of his team, who would most likely be punished for his absence.

Thoughts of SOLDIER and old promises eventually roused him from his bed. Regardless of his aching head and stiff muscles, he had to keep on going. He had to be strong.

The cold was enough to chill his highland blood. The main barracks was always poorly heated, so that on any cold days the hallways were freezing and the bathrooms worse.

It was raining by the time he got out to the training field, typical of Midgar. Never unpleasant when it could be horrible instead. His sergeant was waiting for them, looking completely disinterested in his task.

He sent them off, jogging through the muddy training course. While it would normally be fairly easy, today the combination of mud and general fatigue made the simple task seem impossible.

Nevertheless Cloud started off, making sure to keep a steady pace. He heard the grumbling from other grunts about the unfairness of the whole thing. Cloud personally thought if they had breath to complain then they were doing fine.

In the end, it was a struggle to keep himself from falling completely behind the main group. Pure determination kept him going. He just hoped that the training session would be over once the course was finished.

His hopes were dashed just after he crossed the line, muddy and wet to the bone. The sergeant gestured inside, to the relief of the tired infantry men, only to tell them that they were going to do weight training for the remainder of the session. They'd been given ten minutes to towel off and then they were taken straight to the training room.

Weights were Cloud's least favourite exercise. He nearly always fell behind. He just didn't seem to have the muscle mass to do the exercises and he wasn't putting much on. He arms ached nearly every night, but he only seemed to get weaker, not stronger.

The training room seemed to stretch on forever. It was strange, how much money Shinra put into ensuring their army had proper training equipment. They skimped money on their other equipment, their food and their pay, but not this. He supposed it was because SOLDIERs might use it too.

Everyone settled down at a station and waited for their sergeant to yell out orders. He did not bother to check on them, just sat on the front, demanding a hellish pace out of all of them.

A few minutes into the exercise and the physical effort of pulling the bar down was bring tears to his eyes. He grit his teeth and continued, until he felt a tearing sensation in his shoulder.

The pain was so bad he let go completely, instinctively reacting to try and lessen the pain. The weights fell down with a bang, alerting the sergeant to his predicament.

The sergeant stopped his counting and walked over to him.

"What's wrong?" his tone was anything but helpful. He sounded annoyed.

"My shoulder," he said slowly, trying not to burst into tears. 'I am not a child, I can do this,' he repeated to himself.

"Get to the nurses, then. There's nothing I can do for you." The class began to snigger. Embarrassment warred with indignation. They didn't care that he was in pain, they just thought it was funny to see the weakling struggle.

The sergeant moved away and continued the session. Cloud was left to try and sit up. It was difficult, as he couldn't put any weight on his left arm without his shoulder hurting. Eventually, he made it out of the training room, the mocking laughter of his group still stuck in his head.

He leaned against the wall, eyes closed, waiting for the pain to recede. When he kept himself perfectly still, the pain was bearable. He wondered if it was worth going to the medical centre after all. He didn't want to bother them if he just had a muscle cramp.  
"You alright?" Cloud opened his eyes slowly. The SOLDIER from yesterday was staring at him, looking concerned.

"I just hurt my left shoulder a bit, during exercise. I'm sure it's nothing really." Cloud tried to keep his voice level, but his uneven breathing betrayed his discomfort.

"Why don't I check, just to be sure," Zack said in a way which made it perfectly clear he wasn't actually asking anything. He leaned over and gently pulled Cloud's training shirt down his arm.

"That's definitely swollen," Zack murmured. Cloud twisted his head, but he couldn't see anything. He could, however, feel the heat radiating in his upper arm. Zack gently prodded at the affected shoulder.

"At least you haven't broken anything," Zack said cheerfully when Cloud didn't react. "If you had, you would have probably cried out then. I'm guessing it's just a strain."

"Great," said Cloud sourly. "I guess that's not so bad, then."

"It could definitely be worse," the SOLDIER continued. "Here, I can help you treat it, if you want."

"You don't have to," Cloud said, feeling awkward. "I mean, you must be very busy and all."

"Not right now, actually," said Zack firmly. "Follow me."

The next thing Cloud knew, he was being dragged around the Shinra building by an over-enthusiastic SOLDIER. Every so often, staff would give Zack a strange look, which he would reply to with a smile of his own.

All the attention, even if it was second hand, made Cloud feel embarrassed. He didn't like the way people's eyes ran over him, almost certainly wondering what a mere boy could possibly be doing hanging around a SOLDIER.

Not that Cloud wasn't wondering the same thing. Zack could have easily just sent him up to the medical ward. It didn't make any sense for him to go out of his way just to help Cloud treat a minor injury.

Eventually, Zack pulled him into a small room. It was filled with cupboards and a small bed had been placed against the far wall. It was clearly a make-shift first aid room.

Zack let go of the younger boy and searched through the cupboards. He pulled out an instant freeze pack. He wrapped it in a cloth and handed it to Cloud.

"Hold it on your shoulder for as long as you can stand the cold. You should use these whenever your arm feels sore or looks swollen."

Cloud sat down on the bed and placed the packet on his injured shoulder, wincing at the cold.

"Thank you," said Cloud. "I appreciate the help. They don't let infantrymen access medical equipment without a nurse's approval. It's much faster this way."

"See? I was useful, after all." Zack looked so proud of himself, it made Cloud laugh.

"Have you had to treat many injuries?" asked Cloud. Zack nodded.

"Not everything's treatable with materia. Things like sprains, twisted ankles, we just have to deal with."

Cloud remembered that from his cadet lessons.

"Because materia only helps by rapidly accelerating emergency responses, right? It'll stop someone from bleeding out, but the rest has to heal on its own. Otherwise any one with a heal materia would theoretically be nigh-invulnerable."

Cloud found himself looking at the fine scars along Zack's jaw. Normally heavy materia usage added to the mako injections stopped SOLDIERs from scarring. He wondered why those particular scars had remained.

"Not bad," Zack said. "You seem to have the theory down pat, anyway."

"That's all I have down pat," Cloud said morosely, before he could stop himself. Zack sat down next to him.

"I'm sure you'll get things, at your own pace. It doesn't help if you push yourself too hard, you know." The last was said almost rebukingly.

"I have to keep up with the others," Cloud insisted. "If I fall behind, or do less, then my sergeant calls me weak."

"It's not about what people say," said Zack. "It's about doing what's right. For you, I mean."

"I suppose," said Cloud. "Maybe, if I'd been more careful, I wouldn't have done this."

"Maybe," said Zack. "You just need to take things at your own pace, that's all." Cloud sighed.

"It just seems like my pace is slower then any one else here. If I move at my own pace, how will I ever make SOLDIER?"

"Just do your best, and live with honour. If you've done that, then you've done more then most people, SOLDIER or not." There was a sad, wistful look in his eyes.

"Why are you helping me, anyway?" Cloud asked. "Surely I don't warrant this much attention."

"How much attention do you warrant, then?" Zack asked teasingly. "Should I have just left you there?"

"Most people would have," Cloud said. "I'm not their concern, so they don't care." Zack shrugged.

"Maybe you're right, but I think that's selfish. You needed help, so I helped. Nothing to it, really."

"I guess not," said Cloud, but he disagreed. Zack might not think it was a big deal, but it was to him.

'So I suppose us meeting was just a coincidence,' Cloud thought to himself. 'Unless I happen to go on another mission with him, I probably won't see Zack again.' The thought depressed him. He was really enjoying Zack's company.

"I could hardly leave you to the mercy of the under-staffed medical team," Zack continued. "What kind of friend would that make me?" Cloud froze. He could hardly believe what he was hearing.

Before Cloud managed to say anything, Zack's PHS beeped. He checked it quickly and then sighed.  
"You are right about me being busy, though. Looks like I've got to run."

"Thanks again for the help," Cloud said. He gave Zack a shy smile.

"No problem. I'll see you around." The SOLDIER dashed out, leaving Cloud to his thoughts.

Cloud waited for a while, until his shoulder felt well and truly de-swollen. Then he went to get lunch. The whole time, he was smiling. Zack really wanted to be his friend. Someone as cool and generous as him not only acknowledged his presence, but apparently enjoyed it.

For the rest of the day, it seemed as if nothing could touch him. The casual cruelty of his dorm mates, the isolation of working at Shinra and the dismal conditions meant nothing to him. He had a friend now. For the first time since he had joined Shinra, things were finally looking up.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note : Poor future Cloud is about to encounter the first of the issues he has to tackle. I'm aware that part of the story is very non-cannon and out of order, for which I am sorry. It does impact on the story, I'm not (just) doing it to be difficult, I swear. **

_Difficult Questions _

**Cloud, 22 **

Cloud had been waiting for this moment all day. His routine guard duty had dragged on, teasing him with the promise of more memories. His past held more fascination for him then the present, which was dull and hopeless.

Part of him realised that his past was even more hopeless, because it lead to a future he could not change. He knew, in his head, that nothing good could ever come of reliving it. Seeing what happened was not going to change the outcome.

Yet his heart wanted what it wanted. No matter what his head told him, he looked forward to shedding light on his shadowy past. No amount of forced pessimism could quench his inexplicable joy.

Another reason he wanted to retreat to his dreams was to escape his current dilemma. Thoughts that Cloud had purposefully buried had resurfaced to torment him. Possibilities he discounted suddenly seemed all too likely.

The morning had started off normally enough. Even Yuffie's presence as he walked to work hadn't really disrupted his routine. She had been oddly quiet, probably thinking about the upcoming meeting.

They had walked upstairs, both needing to see Reeve. Strangely, Vincent had arrived before them. He had walked out of Reeve's office, offering Yuffie a rare smile.

"I've arranged a meeting for you. You should find everyone is more then amenable to your suggestions."

Yuffie had thanked him enthusiastically and walked into Reeve's office.

"You're not normally the sort to do this kind of thing," Cloud had said. "Since when are you interested in the affairs of Wurtai?"

"I'm not," answered Vincent bluntly. "I am, however, familiar with the workings of large corporations. Yuffie is not. She is far too young and naïve to deal with these politics on her own, so I decided to make things simpler for her."

Cloud had been surprised, but not overly so. Despite their differing personalities, Vincent seemed to feel some sort of protectiveness for the youngest member of Avalanche. He wasn't quite sure exactly why, but figured it was none of his business.

"Do I want to know how?" Cloud asked sardonically. Vincent shook his head.

"You are also too inexperienced politics to fully comprehend the necessity of my actions."

"And too naïve?"

"In some ways," Vincent's voice was abruptly serious. "Or perhaps you're just afraid…"

"Of what?" asked Cloud, a hint of anger in his voice. What could Vincent possibly be on about?

"Of the future. Of what that future might hold for you."

Cloud shivered. The dreadful portent in those words touched a place deep inside his mind, summoning thoughts which he had kept hidden for fear of what they might mean.

"Speak clearly," Cloud said brusquely.

"You're afraid to live," Vincent said. "Or rather, that'll you will be stuck, like me. Because of what Hojo did." Cloud was furious at Vincent for voicing these thoughts, but he could see how hard it was for Vincent to say these words. Cloud had to know why he was talking about these things now.

"I know the feeling. Looking around and wondering when it will all fade, until the only thing left is you. Looking at a world that's changed and wondering how long it will be until its utterly unrecognisable."

"That's not going to happen. I'm not like you. What happened to you..that was different." Vincent raised an eyebrow.

"Nevertheless, you acknowledge the possibility, don't you? What about the people close to you? Have you talked to them about it?"

"You know I haven't," said Cloud. "Why add another burden to their lives?"

"As you wish," Vincent said. "You can hide behind your excuses if it makes you feel better." Cloud was about to argue the point when Vincent turned and left without another word.

Remembering the incident made him feel angry and unsettled. He was angry at Vincent for bringing up a painful topic and unsettled because he knew the ex-Turk had a point.

Tifa knew what had happened to him, but she didn't fully understand the potential consequences. He knew that it would affect her, too. She had made her intentions clear with him, even if they had never spoken about it directly. If he didn't age, if he was near-immortal, where would that leave her?

Cloud groaned and rolled over. The thought of talking about this issue made him feel tense and nervous. He felt as if a monster was bearing down on him, waiting just out sight. He couldn't do this, not tonight. He wasn't ready...

_He was thrashing around in water, trying desperately to get free. The liquid around him felt oddly thick and sticky. The familiar acidic burn filled him with horror. Mako. He was drowning in mako. _

_ He couldn't see, couldn't even tell if his eyes were open or closed. He had no sense of up or down. He should have been dying, but he was still alive, struggling in a trap from which escape was impossible. _

_ Strong arms caught him and pulled him to a surface he couldn't find. He gulped in air gratefully, revelling in the feel of wind on his face. He was placed gently on the firm ground. _

_He tried to open his eyes, but they were as heavy as lead. He groped around, trying to find something to hold onto but found nothing. He tried to move, but his legs were paralysed. _

_He opened his mouth to scream, but he couldn't even do that. He was a prisoner of his own body, just barely able to sense the world but completely unable to react to it. _

"_Sssh…It's all over, Cloud. You defeated it, twice. Remember? This is just a dream." Zack's voice dispelled the panic rising in his chest. It had been so much better, before, when Zack had been there. He had been the single point of light in the darkness. _

"_You can let go, now." Just like that, the ground dropped away from under him. He reached out, but again found nothing. He was falling. _

"_No. Not today. Today, you're flying."_

**Cloud, 16 **

Cloud woke up with a start. He had been dreaming about the fall at the bridge again. Every time, he was convinced that he would die, but every time he woke up. He lay down for a few minutes, waiting for his heart rate to slow.

As he began to calm down, he tried to remember what he was supposed to be doing that day. From memory, all he had was a simple guard duty that evening. He had a feeling that he had been looking forward to it, for some reason.

Then he remembered. Zack was coming home that afternoon. He had been gone for five days now, off on a mission. Since his departure, Cloud had been counting down the days until he came back. Things just weren't as good when Zack wasn't hanging around…

Since they had first met, a scant two weeks ago, Zack had become a major part of Cloud's life. They managed to meet often, usually 'by coincidence' as Zack so blithely termed it. Mostly they just chatted briefly in the corridors, but twice they had managed to have proper conversations.

It had been a shock, when the SOLDIER had been called out on a mission. It was only when he was gone that Cloud realised just how much he enjoyed their stolen moments. It seemed like his days had gotten bleaker, because Zack was no longer in them.

He supposed at first he had been too shy to talk to him properly, because of Zack's high status in the army. Now that Cloud knew him a little better, he realised that Zack was so much more then a First Class SOLDIER.

He had this way of bring joy to the people around him. He was like a sun, radiating energy to everyone close to him. Even when he was being serious – which was fairly rare – his inherent goodness shone through.

Just the thought of his best friend brought a smile to his face. Deciding he was thoroughly awake, he got up and readied himself to face the day.

He checked his phone to see if there were any updates from Zack. He was relieved to see that, as of yet, their travel plans didn't seem to have changed.

It had been good luck for him to score the exact shift that would allow him to see his friend the soonest. He hadn't even had to change shifts, like he'd been intending.

After getting ready he still had a lot time to kill, so he decided to go down to the library. Only, every time he tried to sit down with a book, he found himself unable to concentrate. It was physically impossible for him to sit still.

He was bored out of his mind. The clock hands ticked slowly away, each second grinding on his already taunt nerves. He couldn't believe he'd managed to work himself up into such a state.

He spent the first half of the day restlessly going from one room to another, trying to find something to do. An hour before his shift started he gave up and got his gear ready.

He had been stationed out the front of Shinra, one of the most boring shifts in the whole building. There had never been an attack on the front of the building and Cloud had no doubt there never would be. Honestly, who would be that stupid?

The people who had been on the morning shift had been delighted when Cloud had shown up a whole forty-five minutes early. Not that Cloud blamed them. Any other day and he would have been dreading this shift.

Cloud kept his eyes firmly fixed on the crowd. Intellectually, he knew he was unlikely to miss Zack coming home. The SOLDIER was pretty distinctive, after all. Still, he remained focused, mostly because he was physically incapable of relaxing.

The only time he looked away was when the other infantrymen arrived.

"Suck up," one of them muttered. Cloud wondered who he was. It was not like they could recognise each other, not with the helmets. Maybe that was why they felt safe insulting him out on in the open.

Cloud just shrugged and returned to his vigil. The others continued to chatter amongst themselves, loudly gossiping about anything and everything.

'Worse then the old women at home,' Cloud thought wryly.

"I notice they don't make SOLDIERs do this," said one of the older boys. "No, it's always us. Always getting the short end of the stick, just 'cause Shinra's stingy with mako. If we had right treatments we could probably be as powerful as the general."

Cloud mentally scoffed at this, but he didn't say anything to them. From what he had seen of Zack, SOLDIER was about more then the mako. That kind of strength came from dedication and hard work.

"Yeah, and they use Shinra's science as excuses to lord themselves over us. I mean, who do they think they are?"

"That's not entirely true. You get the occasional _fraternisation." _

The implications of that made Cloud blush. He knew exactly what they were getting at. He'd had similar accusations thrown at him when people noticed that Zack talking to him.

No one dared suggest anything while Zack was actually around, of course. They waited until Cloud was alone in the dorm to make their comments. He was pretty sure they didn't actually mean anything by it, but it annoyed him all the same.

"Sssh…The lieutenant is over there, you idiot!" Cloud turned his head to look at the crowd only to realise the guard was right. Furthermore, he was walking with the General.

Zack looked relaxed, as always. From where he was standing, Cloud could just make out the grin on his face. He was talking away about something weird, Cloud guessed.

Sephiroth looked politely disinterested, but Cloud swore he caught the General's mouth curl up into a slight smile.

The relief he felt at seeing Zack come home was palatable. Until he had arrived, Cloud hadn't realised just how worried he had been that Zack would somehow disappear out of his life.

As they came closer, the infantrymen snapped to attention. Cloud watched the two SOLDIERs wistfully as they entered the building, taking comfort in the fact that now he knew that Zack was back on time and uninjured.

Just as he resigned himself to a boring night, he heard his PHS message tone. He checked it, unsurprised when he saw it was from Zack.

_Hey there Chocobo, just arrived back at Shinra. I'm going to be a little while, sorting through mission briefs and meetings and even more meetings after that. Looks like we're both busy until around dinner time. Maybe we can catch up then? If you're interested, I'll meet you out the front at 6. _

Cloud read the message twice, trying to figure out how Zack had known that he was working until that night. He was positive that the SOLDIER hadn't recognised him before.

'Maybe he checked the rosters? Though if he was going to go to that much trouble, he could have just asked me.'

The PHS received yet another message, also from Zack. For someone stuck in a meeting, he was sending a lot of messages. Cloud hoped for his sake he was being subtle about it.

_Ps. Your shoe laces are untied. I'm surprised you haven't tripped over them yet. _

Cloud looked down and, sure enough, his left shoe lace was completely undone. He grinned as he bent down to tie them. So he _had _recognised him, then.

Cloud toyed with the idea of messaging him back, but decided not to. Zack might decide to blow all meeting protocol, but Cloud didn't want to be responsible for the young SOLDIER getting caught messaging under the table.

He waited patiently for his shift to be over. He was finished at five, which gave him plenty of time to get ready. He showered and threw on his only casual outfit. He wondered where exactly Zack was planning on going.

He had purposefully arrived a little late, not wanting to seem overeager. He had half-expected Zack to be late and was a little surprised to see him waiting. He had been standing by himself in the shadows, his eyes closed. The soft wind played through his messy hair.

In that moment he looked so serene, Cloud had just stopped and stared. He was memorised by the lines of his face and the sharp contrast between his pale skin and raven hair.

Zack opened his eyes and called out. Cloud jolted out of his revere, feeling embarrassed at having been caught staring.

"You ready to go?" Zack asked, smiling warmly.

"Go where?" asked Cloud.

"Out to dinner," Zack replied vaguely.

"Sure."

They walked together through the busy Midgar streets. Cloud had only been around here a couple of times. Normally, he hated the crush of people and the excessive noise but tonight it added to the feeling of adventure.

It helped that the crowds instantly passed to let Zack through. When Cloud went out on his own, he was normally jostled by the uncaring masses. Now they were able to walk side by side with no difficulty whatsoever.

"They've given me another mission tomorrow," Zack said." They might as well announce they're desperate for manpower. It had better be easy, or I swear I'll quit."

"You won't," Cloud said, trying to mask his disappointment. "Otherwise you'd have to get a boring office job." Somehow Cloud just couldn't imagine this happening.

"True. It's good thing you're coming along, then. You'll stop me doing anything rash." Cloud blinked.  
"I'm coming?"

"Sure you are. They haven't told you yet?"

Cloud shook his head.

"They must have been planning on dragging you out of bed tomorrow. Lucky thing I told you first."

"Unlucky for everyone else," Cloud added.

Zack stopped suddenly. He was standing in front of a small, brightly lit shop with a cheerfully painted chocobo sign on the front.

"Chocobo burgers? They don't actually serve chocobo meat, do they?"

Zack laughed at Cloud's horrified expression.

"It's just a cute name. Seriously, you've never seen one before?"

"No…"

"You're such a bogan."

Cloud protested this, but Zack had already walked through the door. Cloud followed him through the crowded shops. Everyone from family groups to gangs of teenagers were milling around the shop.

"It's _the _place to go. Plus, they give away free toy chocobos with their meals."

"Of course they do," Cloud said drolly. They joined the long queue.

"I seriously don't believe you've never had a Chocobo Meal. You poor, deprived child."

"They didn't have them in the mountains. And I'm pretty sure they didn't have them in your village, either."

"That's true," said Zack. "I must admit, I too experienced my first Choco-burger at a late age. That's why I know the pain of such deprival."

Cloud scoffed at the dramatic speech, but he had to admit he was a little curious about the contents of this so called Chocobo-Meal, even if he was a little dubious about ordering a meal that came with a toy.

After they finally made their way through the massive line Zack placed his order and payed for it. Cloud had tried to pay him back, but the older boy wouldn't stand for it.

"Keep it and buy yourself something pretty," Zack had teasingly suggested.

The meal was made suspiciously quickly compared to what Cloud was used to. They sat down at an outdoor table. Cloud studied the contents of the meal, unsure if anything on his burger was even vaguely organic.

"I think the toy is the most edible part of the meal," Cloud concluded. "Though the box comes a close second."

"Trust me, it may look dodgy, but it tastes amazing."

Cloud dubiously took a small bite of the burger. He chewed it slowly.

"You have a point," Cloud admitted. "But I'm amazed that you would eat this. I thought you were supposed to stick to a strict diet?"

"That would be boring," Zack whined. "I can't let Shinra rule all of my existence, right?"

"Right," Cloud said. "I guess this can be our secret, then."

"We're two rebels, sneaking away from Shinra to participate in _forbidden _activities."

There was a hint of suggestiveness in the way Zack had emphasised 'forbidden' that made Cloud blush.

"That wasn't what I meant and you know it," Cloud said quickly.

"Ooh, am I corrupting you? Your mother would be scandalised."

"Mum would be happy that I made a friend. I don't think she'd care if you had scales and claws, as long as you were willing to tolerate my presence." Zack's expression grew morose and Cloud cursed his own thoughtlessness.

"Would you care?" Zack asked finally. "If I was a monster?" Cloud considered his words more carefully this time.

"Only if you started acting like one," Cloud said. "Only if there was no way of you ever coming back." Zack's grey eyes stared straight into his with an intensity Cloud had never before experienced.

Zack considered the words for a while before smiling. Any hint of depression completely disappeared from his face. Cloud was relieved. He must have given the right answer.

"So until then, we'll be friends?" Zack said.

"It's not going to happen," said Cloud stubbornly. "So I guess we'll be friends forever."

"Until the end of time," Zack agreed solemnly.

Walking back to his room that night Cloud decided that he like Chocobo Burgers after all, even if their burgers tasted like cardboard.


	4. Chapter 4

_Discord _

**Cloud, 22 **

The telephone's incessant ringing woke Cloud from his sleep. He reached around blearily until he found it. It had to be work, he thought. No one else would call this late at night.

"What is it this time?"

"Just informing you of your next mission," Reeve answered smoothly. No matter what time of day – or night - he rang, he always seemed perfectly awake.

"Couldn't it _wait_?" asked Cloud.

"I was just calling you to say that you don't need to be into twelve. Yuffie's requested you escort her to Wutai and assist with the cleaning up operation there." Cloud groaned.

"So you ring me in the middle of the night to tell me I can sleep in?" Cloud asked.

"It's 4:23, actually."

"Great…So how long am I going for?"

"It shouldn't be long. A week, at most." Cloud sighed.

"Fine, I'll be there." With that, he hung up the phone. He had never been a morning person. Reeve should really know better then to call him so early by now.

"What was that about?" Tifa asked sleepily.

"Work, as usual," Cloud said. "I'm getting the morning off, but I'm going to be gone for a week."

"Hmm…wish you didn't have to go."

"Me too."

Cloud turned over and fell into a fitful sleep. He woke up again at7:30 just when the children were about to leave. Tifa was about to take them but Cloud volunteered to take them instead.

"Oooh, you should show off your sword!" Marlene had said. "All the kids would be so impressed!" Marlene was grinning wolfishly at the thought.

"I don't think so, Marlene," Tifa said. "I think that might get him into trouble." Marlene pouted.

"I guess so...I'll just have to tell them more stories."

Cloud sighed internally. He knew that Marlene and, to a lesser extent, Denzel both shared the 'glamorised' version of his adventures with their classmates. Cloud had wanted to clear some issues up, but Tifa had pointed out that they were far too young for the truth. Cloud just wished they wouldn't refer to him as a 'hero' or 'saviour'. Neither of those titles belonged to him.

They set off, Marlene skipping in front of them. Denzel walked with him, looking anxious.

Cloud knew that Denzel still struggled with school,. Tifa tried encouraging him to study, but he had difficulty grasping the concepts and often gave up out of frustration. Cloud would have helped him more, but he was usually busy with work.

When they arrived, Marlene caught sight of her friends and ran off happily. Denzel put on a brave face and began to walk up the long path to his half-built school.

"Denzel, wait."

"Yeah?"

"Don't worry so much. Things will get better, if you move at your own pace."

Those words, which had inspired him all those years ago seemed to make little impact on Denzel.

"Easy for you to say." He walked off and Cloud watched him, at a loss. He wished Zack was here. He would know the right words. He always did.

Cloud looked up at the overcast sky. His mood was fluctuating so wildly. Sometimes it felt almost as if Zack was still alive and other times he remembered and the pain crashed down on him all over again.

'I'm not sure if I can keep doing this,' Cloud thought solemnly. 'In a way, remembering you is like losing you all over again.' He walked home, his heart suddenly heavier in his chest.

Tifa greeted him at the door, a mischievous smile on her face.

"It looks like we have the morning to ourselves," she whispered seductively. The suggestion was tempting, but there was something he had to do before he left.

"Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you," Cloud started. "It's important and I don't want the kids listening in." Tifa's face fell, but she nodded.

"Do you want me to put on some tea?" she asked.

"I'd prefer we just started. If we wait, I'm not sure I'll be able to say this." Tifa's eyes were wide with fear. He could practically hear her thinking 'What more?'. He wished he could spare her this, but Vincent was right. If she hadn't thought of the possibility, he owed it to her to make her aware.

"I've been thinking about the other people Hojo…experimented on. You notice how none of them look the age they're supposed to. Vincent, even Sephiroth…they both look too young."

"But that's okay…You'll just look a little bit younger then the rest of us," Tifa said cautiously.

"Maybe you're right. I don't know what Hojo did to me, exactly, or what it will do. Maybe it won't even be noticeable, or maybe I'll still look sixteen when I'm seventy. I really don't know."

Tifa stood still, as if he had slapped her.

"If you want to stay with me, there might be issues. Things we have to deal with. If you don't want to take that risk, then that's your right. I won't force you to stay with me."

"How very noble of you," Tifa said stiffly. "I suppose _you _couldn't care either way then. After all, I'm just a girl who happens to hang around. Not the one you really wanted."

"Tifa…That's not it at all."

"Would it kill you to say you enjoy having me around? That you want me to stay!"

She began to cry. Cloud kept his distance and said nothing.

"Don't you see? Everything I do, everything I am, it's all wrapped up in you. I can't just walk away now," Tifa said.

'Why me?' he wanted to ask her. Why would she give everything she had to him?

"I'm sorry," Cloud said instead.

"For what? Being abducted by a mad man?" Tifa laughed sourly.

Cloud looked into Tifa's misty brown eyes.

"Maybe you deserve better."

Tifa clenched her fists.  
"Stop saying that! I'm not going to leave Cloud, no matter how hard you try to push me away!" Cloud took one last look at her and left.

'Being honourable isn't always easy, is it, Zack?' Cloud thought. More and more of his thoughts were addressed to his deceased friend. He wasn't sure it was healthy but it helped him sort through his feelings. Unfortunately, it wasn't even close to talking to the SOLDIER.

When he arrived at the WRO headquarters their plane was already waiting for them. Yuffie was waiting for him impatiently, surrounded by a couple of the members of the security force. Reeve was standing to the side, looking exhausted.

Cloud looked around, but didn't see Vincent anywhere. He was relieved. Cloud didn't think he could bear to face Vincent after what had happened.

"Looks like you're all ready to go," said Reeve smoothly. "Miss Kisigari, you have these forces for a maximum of a week. When they arrive home, we will send a clean up team after them."

"Understood," said Yuffie, her trademark grin temporarily absent from her face.

She strode into the plane elegantly. Looking at her, Cloud realised that she'd grown since they had last met. She seemed more confident and sure in her own skin. He was almost jealous.

Cloud gave the signal to his troops to board the plan. Privately, he was dreading the trip. He might not get nauseous anymore – one of the few effects of mako he was actually grateful for – but he didn't like being trapped in confined spaces for any length of time.

Cloud settled down and prepared himself for a long flight. The plane was tiny, barely big enough to hold them all. He supposed Reeve still didn't have enough fuel to power a bigger ship. The only reason Cid could get away with it was his stock pile of mako and even that would soon be gone.

Yuffie stared resolutely out of the window.

"Did you try taking meds? Sometimes it helps."

"And sometimes they make it ten times worse. You'll just have to put up with the puking, my esteemed leader."

Cloud's troops looked slightly disturbed by this casual exchange. Before they had even met Cloud they had been in awe of him. He had tried getting to know them, but they inadvertently kept him at arms length with their hero worship.  
It didn't help that he was so reclusive. He had tried reaching out to them, but every time he tried, it felt forced.

"Anyone been to Wutai?" he asked. One by one, they all shook their heads, not even daring to speak.

"Maybe you'll get a chance to look around, then. See something new." Cloud's efforts at conversation petered out. He gave up and stared at the landscape underneath him.

Even after Sephiroth and Meteor, he still had trouble leading people. He could command them during battle, but he knew being a leader was about more then that. It was about inspiring people to feel pride in themselves and what they were doing.

Cloud thought of various ways to achieve this during the long flight. Finally, after hours and hours of fruitless musing, he fell asleep.

_Cloud was lying in a field of long grass and flowers. He could smell the nectar in the air and feel a gentle wind blowing on his face. The sky was a radiant blue. This place was utterly peaceful. _

_ "This is better. Honestly, you spend so much of your life worrying about things." Zack's voice came from his left side. Cloud went to sit up but a hand on his wrist pulled him back down. _

_ "That would be breaking the rules, Chocobo." _

"_What rules?" _

"_The rules which govern the universe, I guess." _

"_What…what is this?" Cloud asked, feeling frustrated. _

_ "I can't tell you that. Trust me when I tell you it's more then a dream and different to a memory. It's all I can say for the moment." _

"_Typical." _

_ "I wish I could help you with your other problems, but…" _

"_It's against the rules, right?" _

"_Yeah... I'm sorry. You have no idea how much I wish I could have helped you more." _

**Cloud, 16 **

A small alert tone from Cloud's PHS woke him up. He had been expecting it, so he wasn't surprised to see the small note alerting him to an upcoming mission. He was surprised when he realised that he only had two hours to get ready.

They were only going out to the marsh lands. The mission said that a local monster was harassing the chocobos. It sounded like Zack would be doing most of the cutting and slashing, Cloud thought. The rest of them were just unnecessary back up.

At least it was only supposed to be a one-day mission. Cloud doubted he would have time to be packed and ready otherwise. Even now, he was a bit miffed at the lack of warning.

It seemed like Shinra was getting sloppier, at least to Cloud. Maybe he was only aware of it because of all the information Zack had given him about his higher-ups.

Cloud thought about getting breakfast and decided against it. Most likely they would be travelling by truck along half-developed roads. In which case, having breakfast was just asking for trouble.

Instead he got dressed and grabbed some trail bars from the supply room. It wouldn't do to pass out on this mission. Zack was a pretty tolerant person, but even he would probably look down on Cloud if couldn't complete any of the missions he was assigned.

Cloud expected to be the first person waiting at the meeting point and was surprised when Zack beat him. He was doing squats as he approached.

"You know, you're really surprising sometimes," Cloud said as he approached.

"Yeah?" Zack completed his last squat. "How so?"

"I never thought of you as a morning person, or the sort of person who likes arriving early. You always seem so laid back."

"Hmm…I don't worry about being early, per say. I guess I just bored waiting around."

"You just have too much energy."

"I take it you're not a morning person," Zack said.

"Not really."

Cloud stretched and yawned. Even two years of Shinra training hadn't made him used to early rising. When he was younger, it had seemed like torture. He had never had to stick to a routine before.

Zack began pulling on a strand of Cloud's hair.

"Oow! What are you doing?" Cloud attempted to sleepily untangle Zack's hand from his unmanageable hair.

"Sorry, couldn't help it." Cloud blushed and then attempted to glare at the SOLDIER.

"What is it about my hair that fascinates you?"

"I don't know…It's just so shiny…"

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"As much as I'd love to continue this discussion, we have company," Zack said, pointing behind him. The other three infantrymen were approaching, giving the two boys odd looks. Cloud stepped back slightly and Zack turned to face everyone.

Zack gave the mission brief in strictly professional tones, but every time he turned to look at Cloud he smiled slightly. Cloud wasn't sure whether to smile in return or glower.

"Alright, let's get going!" Zack's enthusiasm was infectious. Even the other infantrymen were joking and laughing as they set off. Even though they had to take the train because Shinra were too cheap to complete the road from the top plate to the desert, even if they had been dragged out of bed first thing in the morning, they were getting into the spirit of the mission.

"Hey, Ludwich, I think that girl's checking you out," Zack had fake-whispered at one point of the train. Ludwich had revealed that he actually already had a girl waiting for him at home and Zack had insisted that they talk about their significant others for the duration of the trip.

They had all had girlfriends and this had made Cloud feel backwards. He had been relieved when Zack hadn't asked him about his 'girl'

Cloud had already told him about Tifa, anyway. It had been a surprisingly short conversation. Zack had seemed contented to let him keep his feelings mostly to himself.

Cloud had listened as Zack talked about Aeris. By the sounds of her, she was perfect in just about every way, in looks and personality. Cloud supposed it made sense. Someone as amazing as Zack couldn't go out with just any girl.

The train shuddered to a stop and they all climbed out. They took the quick route through the slums in order to avoid any potential trouble.

Their truck was waiting for them just outside the border. The driver was looking a little miffed.

"You're late."

"My bad," Zack said. "I guess these things happen, right?"

Cloud shook his head slightly. He wondered how often he had covered for team members. Was that why Zack had a reputation for being disorganised?

The driver grunted at them to get in and they all clambered inside. Cloud deliberately sat away from the others, looking out the window. He had found it helped, if not much.

Zack had sat next to him.

"You could try and get some sleep?" Zack suggested as the truck started moving.

"I probably won't be able to," Cloud replied miserably.

"I could help."

'Help how?' Cloud thought. He was about to asked but he felt suddenly exhausted. Just as his eyes began to shut, he saw Zack hold up one of his materia. Understanding hit him just as he fell into a deep sleep.

The next thing he knew he was waking up, feeling totally refreshed. The truck was just pulling to a stop at the edge of marshland.

"Seal materia," Cloud said. "But how did you manage to make the effect so mild?" Combat grade seal-Materia was designed to knock out fully alert enemies in the middle of battle and could be relied upon to keep them subdued for days.

"It's easy, once you know the trick. SOLDIERs use it occasionally to get some sleep on the battlefield. They have to make sure it's mild enough for them to wake up, should anything happen."

"Makes sense," Cloud said. "That's pretty resourceful." He grabbed one of his snacks out of his bag and started munching on it

"It is, isn't it? At least you're grateful. The other guys seemed to think I'd accidently killed you." Indeed, the infantrymen were looking a little sheepish.

"Anyway," said Zack. "We have a mission to do. We're looking for the big-wormy-thing."

"Wait? You mean the Zolom? Are you crazy?"

Everyone but Cloud was looking at Zack like he had calmly proposed poisoning themselves. Cloud had never heard of this 'Zolom' but he was pretty sure Zack could take it, whatever it was.

"That's the one," said Zack. "Don't worry; you guys will mostly be watching my back, anyway. Your job is to make sure that nothing takes me out while I deal with the big guy."

"How big?" asked Cloud, a hint of nervousness working its way into his voice.

"A little bit big," Zack said reassuringly. Ludwich didn't look reassured. He looked he was going to vomit.

"Come on, then!" Zack cheerfully waved them on. Cloud followed behind, pulling his gun out. Gradually everyone else began to follow.

"I've heard they eat chocobos whole," said Ludwich anxiously.

Cloud recognised him from training. They had been casual acquaintances, occasionally bitching about their instructors. Cloud also recognised Witman, who was currently making faces behind Ludwich's back and Taylor, who laughing along with him. They were some of the boys in his dorm, the sort who like to make trouble.

"That's why we're out here," Zack pointed out. "Though I think if the farmer just stopped them coming out this far, they'd be fine. Still, best not to complain, right?"

"Yes, sir."

The ground started to get even muddier. Zack gestured at them to stop.

"I'm going to go Zolom catching. You guys stay here and watch."

"You sure? What happens if you get assaulted out there?" Cloud asked, looking dubiously into the gloom. Normally he wouldn't dare speak out against orders, but if Zack went more then a few feet they wouldn't be able to see him at all.

"Sure I'm sure," Zack replied. "You keep an ear out for anything scary coming your way. If it sounds too bad, don't hesitate to call out."

"Yes, sir," they replied as one. They watched as Zack walked off into the marsh.

"He is so brave," said Ludwich. "I wish I could just shrug off danger like that."

"We all know how far you are from that," Witman said dryly.

"Maybe if you could actually hold a sword straight, you might be more confident," Taylor added.

"I don't see you following him," Cloud pointed out.

"What and break mission orders? You might be snuggling up the Lieutenant, but the rest of us have to obey the rules."

"Like I keep telling you, nothing like that is going on."

"We saw you. You were cuddling up to Lieutenant Fair just before. I suppose that's not the first time, though."

"That's not exactly what happened," Ludwich pointed out. "But you were leaning on his shoulder..."

Cloud shrugged, trying to suppress the inevitable blushing. The thought of holding Zack close, of feeling the warmth he radiated like the sun, made him feel warm all over.

'This isn't right. It's just what I'm imagining. I'm sure the reality would be nothing like that.'

"I was asleep. I happened to sleep on his shoulder. That's hardly out of order," Cloud said firmly.

"Maybe you're not doing anything technically wrong, then, but we all know you want to get with him."

A monstrous shriek interrupted Witman's tirade. Cloud resisted the impulse to leap through the mud.

"Want to run to him, lover boy?" Cloud grit his teeth but shook his head.  
"I wouldn't disobey my commanding officer," Cloud said. "I suggest you be quiet so that we can listen out, like we were told."

Cloud looked away from the other boys. Stupid gits. They realised that Zack had probably heard every word, right? He hoped the older boy put them in their place. They had no right to accuse them of that. Zack had a girlfriend, for crying out loud!

Why did he keep on rising to their taunts? Why, oh why, did they stick in his head long after they were said, teasing his mind with their implications? He shouldn't be thinking about being with Zack, not like that, not ever. It was wrong.

_'But you can't help but be curious. What would be like, to try and… _Cloud squashed that little voice before the thought could come to fruition. No. Those boys could say what they wanted, but the truth was that he and Zack were friends and that was all they would ever be. Could ever be.

Cloud shook his head and focused on the swampy landscape. There were no animals about and other then the occasional noise from behind him, it was eerily quiet. Feeling suddenly nervous, Cloud gripped his gun firmly.

The trees were small and few between in the swamp. It shouldn't have been possible for anyone to hide, but Cloud was suddenly sure that _something _was coming for them.

A soft 'sloosh' noise was all the warning they got as three men bore down on them. The assault was so fast that they barely had time to react. Cloud's attacker was almost upon him before he had even registered his existence.

The gunshot rang through the air. Cloud looked at shock at the rouge warrior in front of him. He slumped to the ground, blood pouring into the already sodden earth.

'He was from Wutai,' Cloud thought numbly. 'One of their ninjas, judging by the clothes.' Another one of the Wutai assailants took advantage of his shock to grab him by the collar.

He began to swear in his own language.

"You will pay for that, brat. You'll pay with your life." Cloud looked around. One of the assailants had knocked the other three down. As far as Cloud could tell they were alive, but stunned.

"Why are you here?" Cloud asked, trying to sound brave but feeling like he was going to be sick.

"Revenge, why else?" his capture said. "Does Shinra think they can take our honour from us, as well as our home?"

"None of us had anything to do with Wutai,' Cloud said firmly. "Your fight isn't with us." This was not a brave thing to say, Cloud supposed, but it was the truth. 'These cowards were taking their grief out on the wrong people,' he thought savagely.

"You killed my brother and you dare say that to me!"

"Was he your brother?" Cloud asked hollowly. He wanted to point out that his brother had attacked him first, that Cloud was only doing his job. But those words were hollow justifications for the loss of a brother. They wouldn't mean anything to this man now.

"We were just going to keep you as hostages," the assailant continued. "But now…I think we'll kill the blondie and take the rest."

"Please, treat them well," Cloud begged. "They don't deserve to be caught up in this! You have to understand."

The two ninjas laughed. What did it matter? They weren't going to listen to him now. Clearly Zack couldn't hear them; he was probably way out in the marsh by now. They must have planned this very well.

The ninja pulled the gun out of his unresisting hand. He pushed Cloud down into the muck.

"I want to see your eyes as you die," the ninja hissed. Cloud almost understood his hatred. If someone had killed Zack…

He was never going to get to see Zack again, Cloud supposed. Not like this. It was what he regretted the most. More then not getting into SOLDIER, more then abandoning his mother. He just wanted to be with Zack.

The realisation was bitter-sweet. He looked up at his captor.

"Get on with it, then," he said harshly. Fear made his stomach twist and his body feel heavy with dread.

"The kid's right," the other ninja said. "Hurry up before we have to deal with the real forces." He added something in Wutai.

There was a whimper from besides him, silenced when the Wutai onlooker kicked at the young boys. The ninja slowly drew his sword and held it poised just over his chest.

The sword thrust towards him just as blinding light seemed to erupt from his would-be executioner. The next few moments were a confusion of light and sound.

'Did he get me?' wondered Cloud. 'I didn't feel anything…' He looked down in disbelief as blood began to seep through his shirt.

"I'm sorry," he said breathlessly as the pain hit him. "I can't…" He could have sworn he heard Zack call out his name before his eyes closed.


	5. Chapter 5

_Uncomfortable Situations _

**Cloud, 22 **

Cloud woke up with his heart racing. He put his hands to his chest, half expecting to feel blood.

His troops were staring at him. Cloud gave them his best reassuring smile.

"Just a vivid dream," he explained. "I have them, sometimes." They avoided making eye contact with him as they nodded.

"You right there?" Yuffie asked. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

'I've seen at least one tonight,' Cloud almost said, before he realised how weird that would sound. The last thing he wanted to do was tell everyone that he experiencing otherworldly visitations in his sleep. He'd probably be sent to a psychiatrist.

"I'm fine," Cloud said. "What about you? You look like you haven't slept since we got on board." Yuffie scowled.

"No kidding. I _hate _planes."

"How close are we?" asked Cloud.

"About an hour, give or take," Yuffie said. "As soon as we get down there, you'll be escorted to see my father. There'll be diplomatic things to settle today, so we won't be able to get started until tomorrow."

She sounded crestfallen.

"Surely you weren't planning on starting today?" Cloud asked incredulously.

"I _was_ hoping we could get some hours in before dad discovered us."

"Why would you want that?"

"A ninja never reveals all her secrets," Yuffie said loftily.

_Ninja. _The term reminded him of the figure standing over him, sword at the ready. Cloud sighed. Of all the things to remember now, Zack had to pick that memory.

'Maybe he hadn't?' Cloud mused. It was hard to tell. Sometimes it sounded like Zack was in charge of the whole things, but sometimes it sounded like he was along for the ride. It was hard to tell. If they had more time together…

He couldn't afford to think about that now. There was clearly a situation developing in Wurtai. He needed to be on his guard. He also needed to act responsibly, in a way that would benefit everyone. Old wars could not be allowed to impact on international relations.

"Are you planning on coming to these diplomatic 'things'?" Cloud asked. Yuffie shook her head.  
"It would just make things worse, I think," she said.

"Then you should take my men with you. At the very least, you can get them set up and ready for tomorrow."

This seemed to cheer Yuffie up. Cloud hoped she wasn't planning on stealing their materia or convincing them to go monster hunting. He was trusting her to be mature. He may have been making a mistake, considering what had happened last time they had travelled here together.

"Your phone rang three times, by the way," Yuffie added. "I'm surprised you haven't been ambushed, seeing as you can apparently sleep through anything." Cloud shrugged. Normally he was a light sleeper, but he supposed these dreams might be affecting that.

'That might be problematic…Hopefully it won't become an issue." Cloud pulled out his phone and rang his voice message account. There was only one message and it was from Tifa.

_'Hi, Cloud,' she said nervously. "I guess you're asleep or busy somehow. I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry I put so much pressure on you today. I'm glad you were honest with me, but it doesn't change anything. As long as you have me, I'll stay by your side." _

So she would stay, then…He didn't really know how to feel about that. He still felt a bit disconnected from the world around him.

Yuffie had leaned in, apparently spying on him.

" Honest about what?" Yuffie asked.

"None of your business, Yuffie."

"Vincent hasn't been talking to you, has he?" Yuffie sounded oddly guilty. Cloud kept quiet.

"I knew it! I told him it was none of his business!"

"Yuffie," Cloud said warningly. The other pasangers were leaning in, looking eager and flustered at the same time.

"Oh, sorry," she whispered. The troops went back to talking amongst themselves nervously.

"Never mind," said Cloud. "It's not important."

The pilot warned them to put their seatbelts on as he began the descent. As he had expected him, official guards had met him as soon as they landed. They had wanted to escort everyone to the palace but Yuffie had firmly rebuffed them in her native language.

Cloud wondered what she'd said, but had no time to ask. He was marched through Wurtai like a criminal, his escorts giving him distrustful looks.

Looking around, Cloud didn't believe the state the city was in. It hadn't been great when he'd first arrived but at least it had seemed in good repair. Now buildings lay derelict, people huddled on the streets in front of them.

'So this is why Yuffie was so desperate to get back,' Cloud thought to himself. He was about to say something to the guards but changed his mind. It would be indiscrete and rude to comment on the obvious poverty surrounding them.

The room where Cloud was taken was still in good repair, he noted. Godo Kisigari sat waiting for him, impeccably attired as always. Cloud remained untouched by the beauty of the room. It was all a farce. Wurtai's glory days were long gone.

"At your service," Cloud said, falling to his knees. Lord Godo smiled and for the first time, Cloud saw the resemblance between him and his daughter.

"It's just as well. You seem capable of performing the impossible. Right now, we could use a miracle."

This frank admission startled Cloud somewhat.

"What use is a warrior to a starving nation?" Cloud returned just as bluntly.

"A warrior could be of some use to us, but what we need most is a hero."

Cloud raised an eyebrow.

"Then you need to look somewhere else."

"You don't think you qualify? That the saviour of the planet isn't worthy of being called a 'hero'?"

"I don't think, I know."

"Then I want you to fake it. You're good at that, aren't you?" Cloud scowled.

"How do you know that?" That particular truth wasn't too well known. While he didn't want to claim false credit, he didn't know how to explain the truth to the masses without sounding insane.

"My daughter told me. She explained exactly why you'd be reluctant to participate in this scheme."

"Then why even ask, if you knew the answer?"

"Because I think you'll do it in the end. Because you know that if you walk away, you are condemning thousands of people to suffer. And you just can't bring yourself to do that, can you Cloud?"

'Damn Yuffie,' he thought bitterly.

"You're right, I'm not going to leave. I'm just telling you that I think this plan is going to fail."

"We shall see," said Godo smoothly. "Don't worry. Your first task is relatively simple. All you have to do is give a public address to my people, stating your intention to aid in the restoration of Wutai."

"I'm guessing what Wutai needs most is money," Cloud pointed out. "I can 'aid' you all you want, but I can't give you that."

"What Wurtai needs is hope. The people here could grow their own food and repair their own houses, if they had hope. They've lost their hope and their pride. So now we truly have nothing."

Cloud shrugged. If the emperor wanted to pin all his last hopes on Cloud, he was going to be disappointed in the end. He wasn't inspiring or a good leader. He couldn't even help his squad, let alone a whole nation.

"The public is ready and waiting. I suggest we get a move on." Cloud grimaced. He had never had to give a speech before, but he already knew that he wouldn't like it. The thought alone filled him with nerves.

Godo began to walk out of the room. Cloud followed along behind him, noting that his guards followed them too. They looked ready to attack at the slightest provocation. Either they were constantly vigilant, or they didn't trust him. Maybe a combination of both.

Seeing the crowd gathered around the podium did nothing to still Cloud's nerves. He scanned the sea of faces, noticing that Yuffie was nowhere to be seen.

Godo gave an introductory speech. Cloud envied his obvious confidence and polished manner. Why did he have to do this now? How was he supposed to keep his cool and come up with inspiring words on the spot like this?

A teasing fragment of memory surfaced in his mind. Zack was standing up in front of a crowd, saying…something. Cloud couldn't even remember the words, but he knew they were uplifting.

Those bits of pieces of memory were the worst. Past the point of the latest dream, he could only recall vague fragments of his time at Shinra. They flittered in and out of his conscious recall, frustrating him with their ambiguity.

"It seems that the WRO has finally answered our requests. Here to explain more about his mission in detail is the Planet's own Hero, Cloud Strife." There was scattered applause in the crowd. Most of them just fixed their eyes intently on him.

"I was sent here, on a mission from the World Restoration Organisation. For six months, resource shortages have inhibited the reach of this company. Now that fuel is readily available, the WRO is planning on fulfilling the commitments it made. It is not just going to rebuild Edge, or even just the Eastern Continent. It aims for a better future for the whole world." Cloud paused awkwardly as he hurriedly tried to think of what to say next.

"I'm here to help," Cloud said simply. "I think you can become even better then you were before, in time. If enough people care, if we do things right this time, we can make a better future for all of us."

By the end people had started applauding enthusiastically. Some of them believed, Cloud thought. Others he saw looked more sceptical, even bitter. They would be harder to win over. Maybe even impossible.

Cloud stepped down.

"Not a bad beginning," Godo whispered in his ear. Cloud sighed. He had a feeling things were only going to get more difficult from here on out. He should have just told the emperor where he could shove this whole 'hero' business.

The crowd gradually dispersed.

"It appears you are done for the day," Godo said. "I'll have one of my guards escort you to your room." Cloud nodded stiffly as one of Godo's guards came and stood besides him.

Cloud almost wished that the guards would talk to him. Normally he would have been contented to walk in silence, but he wanted to know what they thought of the speech and what they expected of him in the future.

When they arrived Cloud thanked the guards curtly and walked inside his room. He recognised the interior from the last time he was here. It had been over a year ago, when Yuffie had stolen their materia. That was when Cloud learnt just how far she would go to help her people.

'Which is something I should have remembered,' he thought sourly. He contemplated confronting her about it, but he already knew what she would say. It would be an entirely pointless argument.

The bed looked comfortable and entirely too tempting. Cloud knew he should probably explain the real mission to his men, or try and figure out the complicated political situation he had just been dumped into.

On the other hand he was tired and upset. If he went to find people, he would almost certain run into Yuffie and he simply wasn't in the mood to talk to her. Maybe tomorrow he'd be feeling more rational…

He fell onto his bed with a muffled groan.

'I should probably put some more comfortable clothes on,' was his last thought before he fell asleep.

_Cloud was standing in a cave, looking towards the outside. He saw a wave of white, blown by fierce winds over bare rock. The blizzard raged on as he watched_.

"_You know, seeing this, I understand why you like Winter so much," Zack commented from further down the cave. "I never liked snow at all, until I met you." _

_ "I'm glad I gave you something," Cloud said jokingly. _

"_You gave me so much Cloud. More then you know." _

_ The cave seemed to disappear, or maybe it had never been there at all. The blizzard tore at his skin, the wind so fiercely cold it burnt him. He closed his eyes and let himself be buried by the raging storm. _

**Cloud, 16 **

It was strange to wake up, when you expected to be dead. The realisation that he was alive was so confusing he couldn't even take pleasure in it. He lay with his eyes closed, wondering where he had ended up.

He was lying on a soft surface. The pain in his chest had reduced to a dull ache. He felt a little bit groggy, but otherwise well. He could hear voices in the distance, but he couldn't make out the words.

"I'm alive," Cloud said slowly. He opened his eyes. The first thing he saw was the back of the couch he was lying on. Cloud bit his lip. He was pretty sure that kidnappers wouldn't take him to rest on a couch.

He rolled over to see Ludwich was watching over him, looking relieved.

"Don't worry, everything's alright now," he said. "I was so frightened, until the Lieutenant showed up. Then boom! It was all over."

"Where is he now? Is he okay?" Cloud asked. Every word was difficult for him to say. It wasn't that he was in pain, he just felt generally exhausted. It was hard for him to breathe, let alone talk.

"He's a bit battered, but otherwise fine. I think he's in a bit of trouble, actually. He called out an emergency helicopter without authorisation. The General, ah, didn't look to happy about it."

"Why didn't we take the truck?" It would have been faster then waiting for a helicopter, surely?

"The guys who attacked up slashed the tires _and _they killed the truck driver. He didn't even have anything to do with them, he was just there and they _killed _him ."

"Wait…where are we now?" Cloud asked.

"The entrance to the General's office," Ludwich said reverently. "The Lieutenant wanted to take you to the hospital, but General Sephiroth said it wouldn't be necessary."

"Alright, then." Cloud gently sat up. Ludwich looked at him anxiously.

"You shouldn't do that. I was told you had to stay lying down."

"I'm feeling fine," Cloud insisted.

"I don't know…"

Cloud wanted to get up and find Zack but he had a feeling that would be pushing things a bit too far. He sat up and stared at the door to Sephiroth's office, waiting impatiently for the meeting to be over.

Finally the door opened and the two SOLDIERs immerged. Cloud kept his eyes firmly fixed on his friend. Until he had seen Zack walk through the door he hadn't been able to really convince himself that he would ever see him again.

"You're supposed to be lying down," Zack scolded as Sephiroth watched.

"I'm feeling fine, really…" Cloud repeated.

"Private Strife has a point. His physical injury was treated very effectively, both by yourself and by me. While he may be suffering from a few lingering effects, it's unlikely he'll take any significant damage from sitting up."

Cloud watched incredulously as Zack looked up at Sephiroth with puppy eyes.

"You can't go around aiding and abetting his stubbornness. Otherwise I'll never get him to relax and recover." Ludwich watched the exchange, looking as taken back as Cloud felt.

"Oh, right, you're free to go," Zack said when he noticed the private staring at him. "Thanks for helping out." Ludwich saluted and then backed out of the room.

"You're entirely too informal with your subordinates," the General noted. "I don't know how you manage to keep them in line."

"It's _called _being friendly," Zack returned. "You should try it some time."

"I suggest you take private Strife out of my office. I imagine he would feel more comfortable elsewhere."

The General retreated back into his office. Zack grinned wryly.

"I swear he acts like that on purpose, to maintain his image," Zack said. He leaned over to help Cloud stand up.

"I'd like to talk to you privately, if you don't mind?"

"I don't mind," Cloud replied, feeling nervous. Why would Zack ask to talk to him in private, given that they talked together all the time? Was he going to be punished or something?

"Why don't you come back to my apartment? It'll be more comfortable then my office and you'll be able to have a shower, eat and stuff."

"Sounds nice," Cloud said appreciatively.

Zack showed him to one of the nicer residential parts of Shinra. It was a fair way off from the main section of Shinra and by the time they arrived Cloud was feeling in need of a good rest.

Cloud's first impression of his apartment was that some kind of monster had recently ransacked it. He looked incredulously at the mess, wondering it the giant clothes pile in the middle of the room concealed a couch, or if it was just a _really _large pile of clothes.

"Yeah… I kinda forgot that it was this messy. I don't get visitors that often." It was the first time Zack had sounded even remotely bashful. Cloud couldn't stop himself from laughing at his expression.

"It's alright, I live in the dorms, remember? I'm used to mess."

"I suppose so. But I bet you liked to get cleaned up, right? I'll grab you some clothes."

Cloud looked on as Zack sorted through the clothes until he found some Shinra-issue pyjamas.

"They'll be a bit big on you, but they'll do for now," Zack said as he threw them at Cloud.

He caught them awkwardly and then Zack showed him where the bathroom was. While not as luxurious as the executive level housing, the bathroom was sizable and most importantly, _private. _The last time Cloud had had a private shower was when he was living at home.

"Have fun in there," Zack said. "I'm going to go grab us some dinner. Or what passes for dinner here, anyway." Cloud nodded and shut the door. He started the water running and marvelled at how quickly it warmed up.

'It's so nice of Zack to invite me here,' Cloud thought happily. He was surprised that Zack didn't get many visitors, but it also made him feel privileged. Of all Zack's friends, he was one of the few to actually see his apartment…

Cloud quickly towelled off and put on the clothes Zack had given him. Looking in the mirror, he realised they really did look ridiculous on him. Cloud shrugged. What did it matter?

He found Zack eating some kind of unidentifiable slop.

"What is _that_?" Cloud asked, staring at the grey ooze in fascinated horror.

"This is Shinra's cooking at its best. Brewed to perfection by its scientists, it's apparently filled with all kinds of SOLDIER enhancing nutrients."

"That looks disgusting," Cloud said honestly. Zack shrugged.

"It's only a little bit gross. Don't worry, I made you a sandwich. It's on the bench."

"Thanks."

Cloud retrieved his sandwich and sat on the couch besides Zack. He was starving, though that made sense as must have been a while since he'd last eaten.

Which reminded him…  
"How long was I out?" Zack thought about it for a while.

"Around five hours, I guess. The emergency helicopter didn't arrive for about an hour and then I spent another good hour trying to find Sephiroth so he could heal you properly. That took another half an hour and then I must have spent around two hours in meetings, so..."

"That sound pretty intense," said Cloud thoughtfully. "Were they really mad at you?"

"A little bit," Zack admitted. "I kind of implied that my life was in danger…They weren't too happy to find out that wasn't the case."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get you in trouble."

"It's hardly your fault. You think that I would just leave you bleed out, because Shinra thinks you're not important enough?"

"Was it that bad? I can't get it through my head. It almost feels like it happened to someone else." Zack looked at him seriously.

"That's why I wanted to talk to you. Sometimes, when people experience something like that, they repress the emotions. I've seen it happen before. It would be better if we talked about it, just to make sure you're really okay."

Cloud didn't really want to talk about. What was there to talk about, anyway? He'd gotten attacked and they'd lost. He'd rather Zack told him about what happened when he was unconscious.

"What do you want me to say?" asked Cloud.  
"Why don't you tell me what happened, while I was gone? I heard the details from the other guys, but to be honest, I'd rather hear it from you, anyway."

Cloud thought for a while and then began recounting his story.

"We were keeping watch. I felt as if someone was out there, but looking out I couldn't see anywhere to hide. The next thing I know, someone was coming straight towards me. So I aimed straight ahead and I…I…"

The memory of that moment replayed through his head. All the emotions hit him again as he remembered what he had done.

"I shot him," Cloud whispered. "He went down...I thought I would have missed, for sure. But I didn't and he died. I didn't follow it up, though. I was too busy watching the person I shot, wondering if he'd get up again."

He felt Zack's hands on his arms, holding him steady.

"Then what happened?" he asked gently. Cloud took a shuddering breath.

"I was captured by one of the other agents. The others had been subdued by the final agent."

"What did they want with you?"

"They wanted to capture us, at first. Then one of them got mad. He was the brother of t-the guy I...Anyway, he wanted to kill me. He made me kneel down and he held his sword above me. I thought I was going to die."

Cloud looked down at his hands, which were shaking.

"I know," Zack said. "Really, it's going to be okay now." Zack pulled him into a gentle embrace as Cloud began to sob.

"T-this is embarrassing," Cloud said after a while. "I bet SOLDIERs don't break down like this."

"Killing people and risking your life is never easy. Even the people who don't show it at first begin to show it later. Trust me, it isn't pretty."

When he talked like that Zack sounded so much older then his nineteen years. It was cruel that Shinra had taken an idealistic boy and turned part of him into a bitter, experienced man for their own use. Cloud was just glad that, for the most part, he managed to stay free of Shinra's influence. He didn't know what he'd do without Zack.

'Being held in his arms is nice,' Cloud thought. 'I feel like I could be safe here forever.' Cloud shivered as Zack began to run his fingers through his wet hair.

"You should have never been in this situation. If I'd just been a bit more careful...If I'd just gotten back a bit sooner…"

"But you saved my life," Cloud said confusedly. "If not for you, we'd all be dead or captive by now."

"It was close," Zack said. "I was so damned tired, defeating that stupid monster. I was scared that the materia wouldn't work, that I wouldn't get to you in time. And when I did you were lying there, covered in blood…I thought it was all over."

Cloud looked up into Zack's eyes. Mako-green mingled with blue and grey. The result was chaotic, but also captivating. Cloud couldn't look away.

"I'm alive," he said. "Because of you."

"I couldn't see another friend die. I've seen too many of them die." They were so close now that Cloud could feel Zack's breath on his face, smell the exotic scent of mako on his skin. He wondered what it would be like to taste it on his tongue…

He wanted Zack. There was no denying it now. He could not stop his own reactions to Zack's presence and he couldn't pretend they were something else. These feelings were real.

Did Zack feel this way, too? Was there more behind this gesture then simple friendship? Maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't be so bad to act on these feelings. If Zack felt the same, then maybe he didn't have to worry about what the rest of the world would think…

'What am I thinking?' Cloud thought to himself in horror. 'Of course he doesn't. _He's _normal. He even has a girlfriend. Zack's just being a good friend. I'm the one who's ruining everything.' Cloud scrambled to his feet.

"Thank you for your help," he said. "But I really need to be going."

"You could stay here for tonight, if you'd prefer." Cloud shook his head. That was definitely out of the question. If he acted on these confused feelings, if Zack ever found out…He couldn't face it.

"I really have to go now."

"Oh, alright. If you're sure you're okay." Zack looked so worried, it made Cloud feel guilty. He should explain why it was better if he just left, but he couldn't bear to face that tonight.

"I'm fine."

Cloud turned and left the apartment. He snuck into the dorms, grateful that everyone was already asleep. He fell into his bed, pulling the covers over his head to muffle his sobs.

'Why did this have to happen?" he thought bitterly to himself. "Why couldn't I just be happy with his friendship?"

**Author's Note : Things are going to get very angst-y for a while, but I promise that there will be happiness and good times eventually :) **


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note : I've introduced some OCs in this chapter. They're not really important to the story, but I did want them there, mostly to develop Cloud's personality a little bit further. **

_Counter-Productive _

**Cloud, 22 **

It was still dark when Cloud woke up. It took him a moment to remember where he was and what he was supposed to be doing. Returning the concerns of his mission was nearly impossible. His mind kept on returning to that night, the feelings he never knew he had…

Clearly Zack mustn't have ever found how he felt about him. He didn't remember any awkwardness existing between them.

Did Zack know now? The question made him feel momentarily embarrassed. He didn't really want Zack to know about some crush he'd had on him when he was sixteen. Their friendship, the things they had endured together, was much more important then a teenage crush.

"How many times did you safe my life?" Cloud wondered aloud.

"I'm sorry?" Cloud started and turned around. Yuffie was standing in the doorway, looking confused.

"What are you doing here?" Cloud asked sharply.

"I wanted to apologise," Yuffie said. "I heard you pacing so I figured now was the best time." Cloud sighed.

"Look, I'm not happy about what you did. I would have helped Wutai anyway, so it was unnecessary. But what's done is done. You can't fix it, so just forget it."

"No," Yuffie said emphatically. "I want to explain. You see, I didn't tell Dad so he could blackmail you. I told him because he wouldn't have let you help, if he didn't think he had some hold over you. I couldn't let Wutai fall into darkness because of one man's stubborn streak."

"I'll deal with it, then," Cloud said. "If that's all you wanted to say, you should probably get some rest now."

"I can't. I was just going to explain what we're going to do today and then we had better get going."

"Already?" Cloud asked. Couldn't she tell it was still dark?

"We're going to be climbing the mountains today. We'll want to make an early start," Yuffie said defensively.

"I guess that make sense."

"People haven't been able to go up to the Leviathan in ages. It's filled with monsters. I want that to change, so we have to make a start of that as soon as possible."

"What else are you planning on getting done?" Cloud asked.

Yuffie thought for a moment.

"I need the mountains cleared, hopefully we'll get time for some rebuilding, then we should probably visit some of the villages further away. The lack of transport means we haven't seen them in ages. You'll also need to meet with some of the more powerful families in Wutai to secure their alliances and hopefully encourage them to mobilise their men."

"All that, in a week?" Cloud asked incredulously.

"I know it's not likely," Yuffie said. "But we need to try. I'm hoping that if we start the job, the combined forces of the WRO and Wutai imperial army can finish it."

"I'll get my gear. Could you assemble everyone and have them ready to go?"

"Yes, sir," Yuffie mock-saluted. She ran out of his room.

Cloud got dressed and gathered his equipment. Most of his materia was old, mastered during his long attempt to stop Sephiroth. His sword, however, had been made especially afterwards.

It was thinner and far lighter then Zack's had been. It was perfectly designed to suit his height and weight but he still struggled to use it properly. He'd had to develop his own technique, from scratch. He had wanted to prove that he was his own person, but it had taken him nearly the whole six months to be able to use it without feeling self-conscious.

He checked that the materia was all correctly fitted and ready to go. The last thing he needed was for the materia to fall out in the middle of a battle.

Everyone was waiting for him out the front. The sun was just rising over the town and few people were out and about.

"We'll split up into two groups. Yuffie, you can take Orwell, Young and Carter up. The rest of you, with me. We'll meet at the bottom of the mountain at sunset."

The troops quickly moved so they were standing behind their respective leaders. The trio had sent off with Yuffie looked resentful.

'I'll need to swap teams, then,' Cloud thought to himself.

The walk up the mountains was just as arduous as Cloud remembered.

younger recruits tired out constantly, meaning they had to take frequent rest breaks.

Cloud was impatient at the delays but tried hard to stop it from showing. Remembering his own past, he knew he would be mortified if he thought he was slowing everyone down.

When they stopped, he would ask Yuffie about the route, or the monsters present or incidents which had occurred here. Most of things she told him were as he remembered, but she made the trip sound a lot more perilous then when he had first attempted it.

Eventually they reached the first split. Yuffie took her team right and Cloud went left into the caves.  
"Stand behind me," he commanded tersely. They walked slowly, constantly scanning the area for monsters.

It wasn't long before a gigantic hoard of insects descended on them.

'These are the scary monsters?' Cloud thought to himself. Well, it wasn't his job to question orders, but….

"Th-they're huge!" Cloud looked behind him. One of the recruits, Jack Brooks, was cowering in fear. The other two, Lillian Powell and her brother, Alexis, were trying to comfort him.

"Makes them easier to hit," Cloud assured them. He charged forward, leaving the rest of his group to gape at him.

Eventually, he saw Brooks use a poison spell on one of the bugs. As if his bravery had inspired the others they began to back him up with long ranged support.

'Not that I need it,' he thought.

He was covered in bug-ichor by the time he was finished. Lillian looked at him with open admiration.

"That was amazing, sir!"

"Cloud," he corrected her. He had told them all to refer to him by his first name. Hearing them call him by a title made him feel even more like a fraud.

They rested for a while before setting off again. As they encountered more easy monsters his team became more and more overconfident. He'd had to stop them from charging in by themselves several times.

They were a strange team, Cloud reflected. They didn't work together well, but then again they didn't really work well on their own, either. Overall, they were more of a hindrance then a help.

He had worked with them all individually before, but this was the first time he'd worked with them in a group. They were probably the most useless recruits the WRO had ever hired. Still, he supposed they'd only been working for a month or so. Hopefully they would get better in time.

'I warned Reeve about this,' Cloud thought. 'I told him to be careful, putting green recruits on the field. We shouldn't be like Shinra, sending wave after wave of good kids to their death.'

The only thing the three recruits had going for them was pure determination. Lillian in particular was determined to single-handedly bludgeon everything to death with her partially blunt sword. Cloud supposed being one of the few girls the WRO taskforce hired would mean she'd have to prove her worth.

It was a shame she was so clumsy, he reflected. Her brother was more cautious then she was, but when he did manage to get a hit in, he usually managed to inflict some damage. As for Brooks…hopefully he would improve in time.

When they reached the top of the mountain Cloud called for yet another break. They hadn't seen or heard Yuffie's team, but he supposed that was to be expected considering the size of the area they were patrolling.

He wondered why they hadn't encountered any difficult monsters. Sure, he was stronger then the average citizen, but Cloud was relatively confident that Wutai forces alone should have been able to clear these mountains out easily.

"What's that?" asked Brooks nervously. Cloud looked up. There was a large creature rapidly descending on their location.

"I don't know, but it's heading straight for us. Get ready!"

"Bet it's a dragon," Lillian said happily.

"It is not a.." Alexis began.

"Get down!" Cloud cried out, finally recognising the creature.

A stream of fire past right over their heads. Brooks, who hadn't been quick enough, was mildly singed. Cloud sighed and activated his _restore _materia.

"It's a dragon," he confirmed as he got up.

"We can't deal with this," Alexis said, eyes wide with horror.

"You might be right," Cloud admitted. "Call someone on Yuffie's team and tell them to get up here, now."

Back when he was travelling with Avalanche, a dragon like this would have presented a slight difficulty. Now he was hampered by three recruits on top of bare cliff. Well, he would have to do his best.

He pulled his sword out and made an opening move. He needed to draw the creature's attention. If it went for one of the recruits, they would probably die. The trick with dragons was to be fast and strike sparingly. They had a few vulnerable spots which were easy enough to strike, if you knew where they were.

He kept a partial eye on the recruits, making sure they were staying back. On one of these checks he was a little too slow noticing the dragon's claw. He was sent flying back onto the edge of the mountain.

Cloud went to activate his _lightening _to stop the rapidly approaching dragon. Before he could stop her, Lillian had dived right on the dragon. Without even stopping the dragon bit into her arm. She screamed and fell down.

Cloud swore. His _lightening _spell hit the dragon, momentarily stunning it. Alexis had run up to his sister, but he couldn't use or didn't have _restore _materia, so he wouldn't be much help. Cloud would just have to hope she could hold for now. They were in too much danger for him to stop fighting.

The familiar 'whoosh' of a shuriken alerted him to Yuffie's presence. The dragon turned to face the offending object. While it was distracted Cloud made a final strike and pierced the artery under its neck.

"Is she okay?" Yuffie asked, gesturing at Lillian. She rushed over, pushing Alexis aside. Cloud watched as she used her materia to heal Lillian. The younger woman got up, looking somewhat sheepish.

"That dragon sure was fast," Lillian said.

"Don't do that again," he scolded his younger sister.

"You're not the boss of me," she replied childishly.

"Are there a lot of dragons up here?" Cloud asked Yuffie.

"Just the one. We took out the other nasty critter. We should be right to go back down now and get the stragglers."

"You take everyone else down, as safely as you can. I'll clean up the rest."

"You sure?" Yuffie asked.

"Yes."

"I'll have my PHS. Contact me if anything goes wrong, alright?"

Cloud left the other group to go back down the way he came. To be honest, it would be quicker and easier if Yuffie took them down and he was able to take everything out by himself. Looking after those kids was hard work.

He left a trail of blood through the mountains. Every creature he came across died almost instantly. The combination of real and mako-granted experience made fighting nearly as natural as breathing for him. It was disconcerting to be so good at killing.

The sun had well and truly set by the time he was down the mountain. Yuffie and his squad were waiting impatiently for his return. The team that went with Yuffie originally were still asking for details about the dragon fight.

"You're back," Yuffie said. "Ugg…You better take a shower before walking all over my house."

"Like you're any better," he pointed out.

"That's mean!"

They began the walk back to the village.

"You're probably going to have to do some boring ceremony with dad tomorrow. I'll have everyone else rebuilding. It's easy enough work."

"Great.."

Their group was oddly jovial. Cloud was the only one not caught up by the positive vibe. He watched distantly as everyone joked with each other. Yuffie had already integrated herself well with them all, mostly by telling stories from their Avalanche days. He noted that these stories seemed to imply that Yuffie had done most of the work, while dealing with an obviously incompetent Cloud. Well, she did always like 'exaggerating' the truth.

After a quick shower and a simple dinner, Cloud had retired for the night. Yuffie had offered to show the others her materia collection, which they had been very excited about. Cloud wondered if they realised how much of said collection had been stolen.

As Cloud lay down, he tried to remember his own past. He could remember up until his agonised flight from Zack's apartment and then…nothing. It was if he'd stopped existing until he'd arrived at Niebelheim.

'I guess I'll have to find out what happened the hard way, huh?'

_He was sitting in Seventh Heaven, only the bar was entirely empty. This wasn't the new bar, he realised, but the original that had been destroyed by Shinra. He was surprised that he even remembered it, considering he'd only seen it a few times. _

_ Cloud kept his gaze fixed firmly on the wooden table as he heard a voice to the left of him. _

"_The first time I saw you in this bar, I thought it was funny, because you were underage. But then I realised you weren't, really. I still can't believe you're twenty-two. To me, you never stopped being sixteen." _

_ "You saw me here?" _

"_Of course," Zack replied. "There's a connection between the two of us. Like it or not, I'm going to be looking out for you. Or over you. Whatever you want to call it." _

_ "It must have been weird for you," Cloud mused. _

"_Mostly it was just frustrating," Zack admitted. "I wanted to tell you…"  
A loud noise interrupted their conversation. Cloud instinctively ducked as the ceiling began crumbling in on itself. Cloud shut his eyes as his world came crashing down around him. _

**Cloud, 16 **

He dreamed of Zack that night and woke up miserable. In the three weeks since he had started avoiding the SOLDIER he had dreamed about him four times. They had been good dreams, where Zack had held him close and loved him the way Cloud desperately craved.

They only made facing his bleak reality even harder. As he got up and readied himself for training he couldn't help but wonder what Zack was like with Aeris. Did he kiss her? Whisper sweet nothings in her ears as they lay together at night? Did he promise her a future together?

Cloud walked towards the training room, trying to focus himself on the task at hand rather then his jealous thoughts. His squad was practicing hand-to-hand combat today. Cloud privately thought it was useless, as they didn't do enough training for them to be any good at it.

He supposed the sergeant used it to keep them hoping they could make it into SOLDIER. If they worked hard, if they got stronger…It was all an illusion, to keep the grunts happy and complacent while Shinra worked them to the ground.

When he walked in the sergeant was already in the middle of explaining the drill. The sergeant gave him a dark look before resuming his explanation.

'He really doesn't give a damn about me, does he?' Cloud thought. 'Though that's hardly surprising seeing as nobody else does…'

Cloud was paired up with a boy nearly twice his height and weight. He gave Cloud a pitying look, apparently writing him off.

"You ready for a world of pain, pretty boy?"

"Whatever."

They were supposed to be practicing talking techniques. The 'assailant' was meant to tackle the defender to the ground, who was then meant to attempt to break free. Personally Cloud doubted he'd survive past the first stage.

The sergeant yelled out at everyone to start. Cloud readied himself as his opponent sprang at him with all his might. Cloud was just able to twist himself so that he wasn't completely crushed when he fell to the ground.

'At least he isn't fast. If he was, he would have made SOLDIER for sure,' Cloud thought as he regained his breath. The boy pinned him to the ground with his hands grinned at him maliciously.

"You seem to be having a little trouble there, Strife." Cloud went to lever his arm off of him, but they were at a really awkward angle.

"Fine, you win. Let me up."

"Are you sure? You look like you're enjoying yourself there."

"I can barely breathe," Cloud said irritably. His tormenter leaned down until their faces were nearly touching.

"Admit it, you're enjoying this. It's alright, from what I've heard your SOLDIERs ditched you anyway…"

Cloud punched him in the stomach, hard. The older boy collapsed and Cloud was able to get up.

"You little shit!" His opponent staggered to his feet and pulled his fist back, ready to strike.

"Strife, Griffin, what the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"He started it!" Griffin called out. Cloud sighed internally. Of course he would take the blame for this.

"Is that true?"

"I suppose so, sir," Cloud said. His sergeant made an exasperated noise.

"What do you mean, suppose?"

"I punched him, sir."

"I don't know what this was about and frankly, I don't care. Spats should be resolved in your own time, not on the floor. You're out of the session today and I'm giving both of you dawn duty for a week, starting tomorrow. If I see any repeats of this incident, from either of you, the punishment will be much more severe."

"Yes, sir." Cloud turned away.

"You're still expected to be at practice this afternoon. I won't tolerate any slacking off," the sergeant called out at Cloud's retreating back.

Why did that creep have to bring up Zack now? For the most part, any rumours about them had died down when Zack had stopped hanging around. There had been a couple of jokes, of course, but for the most part no one cared enough about Cloud to bully him persistently.

This guy was different. Cloud wondered if he had been serious in his lewd suggestions or if he'd just wanted to wind Cloud up. That moment when he'd leaned in, Cloud had been so frightened and upset he'd reacted on instinct.

'And now I've landed myself a week of torture..' Dawn guard duty was the most horrible shift. Mostly infantrymen never got more then one of them a week. Now he was supposed to do seven in a row.

Hopefully the sergeant wouldn't make him work next to the psycho boy. If he did…Cloud wasn't sure he would survive that shift. The look in his eyes had been frightening.

Cloud walked into the cafeteria. It was surprisingly quiet for this time of day, because the lucky people who had holidays over Christmas weren't back yet. Cloud had wanted to apply for holidays, but the trip to Niebelheim was still too long for him to take with the two measly weeks he had saved up.

He spotted Witman sitting with Ludwich, of all people. He had noticed that the older boy had lost a lot of his attitude problems following their mission. He looked up to Zack now, telling everyone about the events of the mission and how the SOLDIER had saved them all at the last minute.

Cloud wondered what had happened between them on the mission, but decided not to ask. Doing that would mean asking about Zack, which might invite awkward questions.

He picked up some burnt toast from the front and sat down by himself. He picked at it morosely and then pulled out his PHS. No messages from _him_, of course. He hadn't sent any messages for three weeks.

_If you need to talk, I'm there. All you have to do is ask_. It had been the last message Zack had sent him, the morning after Cloud had ran out of his apartment. Since then, Zack hadn't tried to contact him in anyway.

Cloud knew he should be grateful, but a part of him wished that Zack would force the issue a bit more. It almost felt to Cloud as if he didn't really care whether Cloud talked to him or not, as if he only tolerated his presence out of pity.

'I don't have the courage to even try to talk to him,' Cloud admitted. He abandoned his piece of toast and settled into the dull drudgery of his every day routine.

There was equipment to be checked, odd jobs to do, then practice in the afternoon. Even when they weren't on missions, Shinra made sure its army stayed busy. Lounging about just wasn't an option.

Cloud went through his day in a haze. Everything he did was boring and mostly pointless. The endless drills and chores were all meant nothing, taught him nothing and did very little to benefit the company he worked for.

By the time he arrived back from his afternoon drills it was well and truly dark. His fingers had nearly lost circulation out in the cold, because his gloves were too small and worn nearly all the way through.

As he was walking back to his dorm, he heard a familiar voice coming from an office nearby.

"Hey, how's it going? Things have been crazy busy here at the moment." There was a pause and then he said, "You're right. I'll come down and see you as soon as I can." It took Cloud a moment to realise he must have been talking on the phone. If he was talking about 'coming down' then he was most likely talking to Aeris…

There was a click as Zack hung up. Cloud quickly moved around the corner. He had thought, just for that one moment, that Zack had called out to him. Just for that one moment…

But he had been talking to his girlfriend. His perfect, 'angelic' girlfriend. The girlfriend that Zack could boast about loudly to whoever happened to be around, the girl he could marry one day and possibly have the world's best looking children with.

Cloud clenched his fists. This jealousy was pointless. Of course Zack wouldn't want to be with him. Zack wasn't plagued with desires that most of the world believed to be unhealthy and unnatural.

'Even if he did happen to be into guys, why would he be interested in me? It's not like I'm anything special.' Bitterness choked him. Everything he felt - everything he tried not to feel – was tearing him up on the inside.

He was tempted to punch the wall, but he had a better idea. He made for the gym, which Shinra happened to keep open nearly 24/7.

Once he was inside he went straight for the sand-bag. His fist connected with a satisfying 'thud'. The pain rocketed up his arms, but he didn't really feel it. He continued to throw punches furiously, until his arms began to burn.

He moved until he stopped thinking, until the only pain he felt was physical. He could deal with that pain, had dealt with it nearly every day for the past two years. He could continue on like this…

"If you continue punching like that, you will most likely break your knuckles," came a calm voice from the other side of the room. Cloud turned around. The General was watching him curiously, like a cat might watch a toy.

Cloud couldn't speak as he was struggling for air.

"Hold out your fists," Sephiroth instructed him sternly. Cloud held them out, trembling from nerves and overexertion.

Cloud looked down at his hands. The skin on his knuckles had torn, revealing red skin in places and bleeding in others. Sephiroth made a disapproving noise and healed them, until there was no evidence of his reckless stress relieving session.

"I think it's time you went back to your dorm," Sephiroth continued. "This exercise is counterproductive."

"Yes, sir."

"Try to keep yourself out of trouble." This was less of a kind suggestion and more of an order.

"Yes, sir."

Cloud was conscious of the General's eyes on him as he left the gym. As he walked back to his dorm, he was still shocked that the General had spoken to him.

'Why was he there? And why does he care about _my _welfare. He didn't seem like the sort to worry about grunts when I first saw him…'

'I guess I did get to speak to Sephiroth, after all,' Cloud thought as he entered his dorm. 'It's a shame that's as close as I'm ever going to get to my hero.'


	7. Chapter 7

_On Edge _

**Cloud, 22 **

"Wake up!" Yuffie yelled in his ear. It was probably one of the worst ways to wake up, Cloud decided. He groaned and slowly rolled out of bed.

"What is it, Yuffie?" he asked when he felt capable of speaking.

"The big ceremony thing, remember?" she replied. "You kind of have to be there, or you'll offend the three most powerful families in Wutai. You _really _don't want to do that."

For a moment an image of a Wutai agent popped into his mind, his eyes blazing with hatred.

"Yeah, I believe you," said Cloud. "Alright, where do I need to be and when?"

"At the foot of the mountains, in half an hour."

Cloud sighed and got himself ready. Why did Yuffie have to be co-ordinating this mission? Even her new-found sense of responsibility didn't counter-act her inherently disorganised nature.

"Is there anything I need to know about the families before I meet them?" asked Cloud as he scrambled to get ready.

"Oh, heaps probably. I don't really have time to tell you though, so you'll have to figure this out on the fly. It's alright, just be _you _and everything will work out fine."

Cloud resisted the growing impulse to strangle her. Why was she doing this to him now?

"It's really fine," Yuffie repeated. "It's only about six or so people, nothing major. You're lucky, dad was going to have the whole village up there. I said that might freak you out a bit."

"Thank you, Yuffie," said Cloud in a tone halfway between sarcastic and serious.

She smiled at him and began ordering around the troops she was taking out for the day. Cloud felt sorry for them. He wouldn't be half surprised if Yuffie got them all lost.

Cloud walked up the mountain path, deciding he wasn't going to rush too much. If he was late, he was late. It wasn't his fault that the princess of Wutai was a ditz.

The Wutai dignitaries were all waiting for him. There were two older couples, both of whom scrutinised Cloud carefully as he walked up the path. Standing a part from them was a man, probably a few years older then Cloud. His expression was dark, as if something was weighing on his mind. Cloud knew the feeling well.

"Ah, Cloud!" Godo called warmly, as if they were the best of friends. "This is Mr. and Mrs. Nakamura, the Yamada's and finally Fyodr Syratov." Cloud cautiously nodded to all the people he was introduced to.

The dignitaries seemed uninterested in talking to him during the long climb. He was surprised the older members managed to make it up the mountain. Cloud was glad that he'd managed to defeat most of the creatures in the area. He was pretty sure that even a relatively small monster could have picked off most of them with ease.

Cloud didn't really understand the point of this visit. If they wanted to know whether the mountains were cleared, it would have been more practical to send their own warriors, rather then visit it themselves. Everyone seemed determined to inspect the mountain, even the reclusive Syratov.

They had visited the statues in turn, performing small rituals at each one. Cloud watched, wondering what was going on. Mostly, the small party spoke their native tongue, leaving him feeling uncomfortable and uneducated.

They returned finally around lunch time, only to have Godo invite them all to a formal lunch. The Wutai leader led them to the dinning room inside his castle. They sat down, with Cloud sitting on his right and Syratov on his left.

Now the other two families were glaring at Cloud. Syratov gave him a grim smile which carried more malice then friendliness. He wondered if he should say something to ease the tension, but decided against it.

The first course was served. It was simple dish, mostly made of rice. Clearly, even the royal family was feeling the pinch of the tough times.

"Do you know the WRO's intentions for our nation?" Mrs. Yamada asked Cloud.

"Not really," he replied. "I suppose it's the same as their overall goals. To restore life to the planet and the people."

"A worthy goal," Mr. Nakamura said. "I wonder if it's possible, though. If people can live in harmony with the planet."

"We'll just have to learn how to, I guess." Cloud hoped it was possible. The planet had a temper and a whole lot of power at its disposal. He had seen what it could do first hand.

"I suppose the WRO is doing this out of the goodness of their hearts," said Syratov sarcastically.

"They're investing in the future," said Cloud, while thinking, 'How would I know what their true motives are?'

"What are they expecting to get out of Wutai?" asked Mr. Yamada.

"They won't what Shinra never had, I suppose. Total domination of the world," said Mrs. Yamada.

"No," said Cloud firmly. "They're just looking to get the economy back on its feet…"

"Oh, of course," said Mr. Nakamura, sounding completely unconvinced.

"Please, please, you're stressing our guest with all this questioning. You must understand, Cloud is truly doing this out of a desire to see the planet restored. After all, he did stop the meteor."

'I'm right here,' thought Cloud.

"I believe in the future the WRO is offering," Cloud said out loud. "They truly want to restore the planet."

Conversation stopped as more food was handed out. The two elderly couples were beginning to look more relaxed, as if their suspicions had been disproven. Syratov, on the other hand, was glaring at the blonde, his eyes black with hatred.

The questions began for real once the main course was finished. He was bombarded with questions about projects he had been involved in, research that he knew of and the reconstruction of Edge. Cloud answered all the questions he could, making sure to respect company protocol. He didn't want Reeve freaking out because he had 'leaked' information to Wutai.

He left the lunch feel as exhausted as if he had fought a whole horde of monsters. Godo seemed to think that the meeting had been a success, but Cloud wasn't so sure.

The 'lunch' had actually ended up lasting through most of the afternoon. Cloud had arrived just after Yuffie's group had returned, looking muddy and exhausted but otherwise no worse for wear.

Cloud had questioned her thoroughly on the next day's activities, refusing to be caught out again. As it turned out, they would be day tripping to the other side of Wutai – the continent, not the city – to visit the southern most villages. Once again, it would be an early start.

That night everyone was in bed early. His troops had learnt the hard way that staying up late before missions was not a good idea. Most of them looked half asleep when Cloud had seen them.

As for himself, Cloud wasn't too eager to sleep. He was sick of reliving his most painful moments. He had had enough sorrow in his life. Why was Zack bothering to show these memories to him? They were more confusing then enlightening.

Reliving his attraction to his best friend was strange, to say the least. Cloud wasn't quite sure what he felt for his friend now. After all, he was supposed to be a relationship with Tifa. Surely whatever he had felt, belonged in his past.

Only now, when he thought back to memories of his friend, he felt the same reactions as he had as a sixteen year old boy. Whether that was because the memories were fresh in his mind, or because of a deeper attraction, he honestly wasn't sure….

_He was standing in a forest, the trees towering over his head. He remembered this place. It was right in front of the city of ancients. Only, he didn't have the artefact had allowed him to travel safely. He could wander through here all he wanted and he was never going to get anywhere. _

_ "Or you stay with me for a bit," Zack suggested calmly. Cloud felt Zack's hand gently touch his shoulder. It felt like there was electricity running through his fingers. Cloud sighed. _

_ "Everything's so confusing. I don't know what to think, anymore." _

"_I guess you can't see the forests for the trees, am I right?" _

"_Very funny." _

"_Just take things one step at a time, Chocobo." _

_ The trees in front of him seemed to fade away. There was nothing except for darkness and Zack's hand on his shoulder, but he wasn't afraid. The one thing he knew about Zack was that he could be trusted, even in the darkest of times…_

**Cloud, 16 **

Cloud woke up in the library chair, his discarded book on the floor. He looked around quickly to see if any one had noticed his impromptu nap, but it seemed he was alone, for the moment. It was New Years Eve, Cloud reminded himself. Most people probably had better things to do then sit in the library, reading a book.

Speaking of which…He looked up at the clock. It was already 8pm at night, he realised in horror. He was supposed to have been down at the training grounds at three. He had just decided to take a break after his shift and now he was going to be in even more trouble.

The dawn shifts had left him exhausted and unable to catch up with the others in his group. They went from 3am to 10 in the morning, which meant that Cloud ended up getting nearly no sleep. He would have just slept during the day, but his sergeant insisted on putting them all through gruelling practices in the afternoon, which he was supposed to attend.

Supposed to being the operative word, he thought drearily. He had only completed three of his shifts and he was already unable to keep u. He wished Griffin was struggling, but somehow he managed to arrive on time to everything and perform well in their practices.

Cloud shivered as he got to his feet. Just the thought of the other boy made him feel uncomfortable. As it turned out, their sergeant had paired them together for all their shifts. He had probably thought it would reduce their antagonism. He couldn't have been more wrong.

The older boy had only increased his teasing. The worst was when he would touch him, stroking up his leg or grabbing him from behind, saying that he thought that Cloud was 'asking for it'.

Cloud wanted to tell someone, but he wasn't sure who. His sergeant almost certainly wouldn't believe him and he didn't know any of the higher ups well enough to know if they would be sympathetic. Worse, if he reported Griffin's behaviour, the older boy might find a way to twist the story so that Cloud seemed to be in the wrong.

It looked like he was going to be in enough trouble without Griffin's help anyway. He really should try and find the sergeant and explain, but that night he couldn't be bothered.

He didn't really know where to go. He had just slept, so he wasn't feeling tired. He should have tried to eat, but the thought made him feel ill. What he really wanted was to be outside, to escape the confines of Shinra.

Instead of going out into the city, he decided to go up onto the roof. He had been up there a couple of times before, mostly for guard duty. It was relatively peaceful and he was unlikely to be found by his sergeant up there.

As he walked outside he saw the snow flakes gently falling to the ground. He couldn't believe his eyes. Everyone always said that it never snowed here. He held his hands out and watched as the fluffy snow collected in his palm.

Cloud crept towards the edge of the roof, watching as the snow began to pile on the streets. Already, it was being dirtied by the grime. Nothing ever stayed pure in this city, he supposed.

The vertigo he felt staring at the ground reminded him of the fall from the mountainous path behind his village. For a moment, it had felt like flying. Then there had been a moment of intense pain, followed by oblivion.

If he fell here, he wouldn't wake up safely afterwards. From this height, he would almost certainly die, maybe even before he hit the ground.

'Why not?' a bitter voice said inside his head. 'What's left? I'm never going to be SOLDIER, I'll probably never get to go home, at least not for very long. Even if I did, I'd go back a failure. I don't even have any friends anymore.'

Cloud buried his head in his hands. Everything seemed so impossible. He couldn't even imagine getting through this week, let alone the rest of his life. How was he supposed to survive this?

It would only take a moment. One moment and all the pain would be gone forever. He wouldn't have to worry about being a failure ever again. No one would ever need to know his secret. He would be safe.

'Would anybody care? If I died?' His mother would, obviously and Tifa might. Then again, he wasn't going to see them much anyway. And as for Zack, hadn't he already decided that it was better off if they weren't friends? Maybe it would be better for all of them if he just disappeared.

He stood at the edge, looking over at the ground. He remained poised for a long time, one step away from oblivion. He stood on the divide between life and death. Just one step….

He closed his eyes and began to lean forward.

"I thought you wanted to be SOLDIER." A hand grasped his wrist firmly, pulling him back away from the edge. "I'm sorry, but I'm not letting you give up that easily."

"I'm never going to be SOLDIER," Cloud said bitterly. "Nothing's ever going to change."

Cloud was pulled until he was standing face to face with his captor/rescuer. Zack was looking at him intently, his mouth pressed into a thin line.

"You think death is the answer?" Zack looked angrier then Cloud had ever seen him before.

"I don't know," Cloud replied. "But I don't know how I'm supposed to go on living!"

"I can help you. All you have to do is let me." Cloud looked away. He could feel tears burning at the back of his eyes.  
"It's not that easy."

"Why not? Please, I really don't understand." Cloud looked up at his best friend, at the person he had come to love more then anybody else in the world. He was in pain, Cloud realised, because he didn't know the truth.

"Could we talk somewhere else?" Cloud asked. "Somewhere more private?" If he was going to admit this, he didn't want other people listening in and judging him. "Fine," Zack said."You're freezing to half to death, anyway." Zack pulled him along quickly, walking him back to his apartment. Cloud couldn't have resisted even if he wanted to.

The apartment was still lit up when they arrived. Even the TV had been switched on, though Zack had quickly turned it off. Clearly, he had run out of his apartment. How had he known what Cloud was contemplating?

"This is a private as we're going to get," he had said. "So, talk. Why can't I help you?"

The time had come. Cloud ducked his head. If he had to look at Zack, he would almost certainly lose his nerve.

"I can't ask you to help me, because I don't think you'd want to be around me if you knew the truth."

"What truth?" Zack had his arms crossed, as if he was trying to physically restraining himself from shaking the younger boy.

"I'm in love with you," Cloud confessed, all his anger and self recrimination evident in his voice. "I know it's inappropriate for me to feel this way and I know that you'll never feel the same, but I can't stop thinking about you and I don't think my feelings for you are ever going to change."

Cloud wanted to look away, not wanting to face the revulsion in Zack's eyes.

'No,' he told himself. 'This is what I deserve.' Zack looked stunned, maybe even horrified.

"So instead of telling me, you decided to end everything, _forever_?" Zack asked eventually.

"That's not it!" Cloud said. "It's not like I made a plan! I was just thinking and everything seemed to get worse and worse in my head until I couldn't stand it anymore!"

The two boys stood silent for a moment, both breathing heavily.

"I'm not dealing with this very well, am I?" Zack asked.

"It's alright," said Cloud morosely. "I understand."

"No, you don't," said Zack. "Alright, let me try this again." They stood in silence for a few moments as Zack tried to get his emotions back under control.

"For starts, you don't have to feel guilty. You haven't done anything wrong, or inappropriate. You haven't hurt anybody by feeling this way. So why should be made to feel ashamed?"

"I never thought about it like that," Cloud admitted. "But doesn't it bother you? Most of the people I know would freak out if another guy had feelings for them."

"That's another misconception I would like to clear up," Zack said gently.

"Misconception?" Cloud repeated.

"Yeah. You keep on saying that I don't want to be with you, but you've never actually asked me how _I_ feel."

"But you have a girlfriend," Cloud protested bitterly. "And you've never given any indication that you wanted me as anything other then a friend. So it's obvious that there's never going to be anything between us." Why even bother asking, when he already knew the answer?

"As it turns out, I told Aeris I couldn't see her anymore. I didn't think it would be fair to her to continue the relationship."

"Why would you do that?" asked Cloud.

"You're impossible," Zack said. "Here, let me show you." Zack moved closer, so that there was no space between them at all. Cloud felt a shiver run down his back as Zack kissed him for the first time.

That one moment seemed both impossibly long and entirely too brief. Cloud staggered back, barely able to believe what had just happened. How was it possible for his life to take such a massive turn in a matter of minutes?

The tears which he had so stubbornly stopped himself from crying finally fell down his cheeks. Zack wiped them away with his fingers.

"I'm sorry," Cloud said. "I'm not sad, honestly I'm not. I just don't know how to feel yet."

There were still questions that he wanted to ask, things he should have explained, but everything was so overwhelming, it was hard to know where to begin.

"You should sleep," said Zack. "I guarantee, things will look better in the morning." The thought of a proper nights rest was tantalising, but Zack's comment reminded him that he was still had another three dawn shifts to go.

He looked around for the time, surprised that it was already 12:08, the beginning of a new year.

"I can't sleep," said Cloud, beginning to panic. "I have to be at my shift. Besides which, I can't get into the dorms now, they'd be locked."

"You're working a dawn shift, right? They don't start until three, so you can sleep here for a while and I'll make sure to wake you up when it's time to go." Cloud was dubious, but Zack sounded so sure of himself, it was hard to refuse.

"Okay," said Cloud cautiously. "I guess a little nap wouldn't hurt…" He sat down on the couch and began pulling his shoes off.

"I'll grab you a blanket." Cloud nodded tiredly and flopped onto the couch. It was small, but more comfortable then his ordinary bed.

There was a soft 'click' noise as Zack turned the lights off. Then Cloud felt a soft blanket being draped over him. Cloud snuggled into it gratefully, already half-asleep.

"It's all going to be okay," whispered Zack. "You'll see."

**Author's Note : I must admit, I re-wrote the confrontation/end scene about four different times. I hope it works alright. If you don't like it, or you don't think it's realistic ect it would be nice if you could maybe give me some constructive criticism. I find it hard to be objective when it comes to my own writing.**

Also, I might be late updating, because things are a little hectic right now...Soon I will have a lot more free time, ergo I will hopefully be updating more often. 


	8. Chapter 8

_Momentum _

**Cloud, 22 **

Cloud woke up suddenly. The shock of his unexpected discovery had ruined any chance of him falling back to sleep.

'How could this be true?' Cloud thought. 'I couldn't have just forgotten something like that…It's just not possible."

It had felt real in the dream. It was only when he woke up, that he wondered whether it was true. It just seemed too unlikely.

In some ways, however, it did make sense. It explained why Zack wanted him to remember so badly. He wondered how he felt, watching Cloud live his life while being utterly oblivious to their history.

'Add Aeris and Tifa to the mix and everything just becomes confusing.' Cloud sighed. 'No matter which way you look at it, this situation is just screwed up.'

He had no one who he comfortable talking to. He didn't generally like to share intimate details of his life with anyone, not even Tifa. The idea of doing so now with the people he knew made him cringe. No, he would have to figure this out on his own.

'Why did you leave me?' Cloud wanted to scream. 'Why couldn't you have lived? Is that really too much to ask from life? After all the horrible stuff that happened to both of us, why couldn't we have been happy in the end?'

But the words would have changed nothing. Zack had died and he had lived and there was nothing either of them could do about it.

A knocking on the door interrupted his angry thoughts. Cloud took a deep breath, waiting a few minutes to compose himself before opening the door. One of Godo's guards was waiting for him, looking anxious.

"Lady Kisigari summoned my unit for an exposition into the farm lands," he said. "She wanted me to inform you that it's time to go."

"I'll be out soon," said Cloud coolly. Never mind the fact that he was still in his pyjamas.

He didn't keep her waiting too long. He was almost as eager to be out as she was. Introspection was getting him nowhere. He wanted to be out on the field, living one moment at a time.

When he arrived out there, Yuffie guided the group to the car she had somehow managed to acquire (she had said it was a present from Reeve, but he wasn't so sure. He wouldn't put it past her to somehow sneak a car into Wutai). Apparently everyone sensed his black mood, because no one tried to talk to him during the trip.

'Those guards Yuffie picked…there's something wrong about them,' Cloud thought as they drove along. They were too anxious, considering this was just a relatively simple task. There was something about their manner which reminded Cloud of the moments before a battle.

Either they were really worried about the upcoming monster fights, or they were planning something. Judging by the way their eyes refused to meet his, he was guessing it was the latter.

He tried to relax during the car ride, knowing that they wouldn't dare try anything in such a confined space but he couldn't, not with stench of fear thick in the air.

He tried to catch Yuffie's eye when they got out of the car but she was oblivious, focused on the bare land in front of them. His troops were chatting amongst themselves, also unaware of any danger. Cloud wished he'd thought to come up with a secret hand signal for danger, but it hadn't seemed important. They had never been up against other men before.

"I knew things were bad," Yuffie said. "But I never thought things were this desperate. How could this be?"

"Where is everyone?" Cloud asked. He could see some houses in the distance, but he couldn't see anyone moving around them. Had they been killed?

"We should go check," she said flatly. Cloud waited for her to walk up the path, checking that all the guards followed her before moving himself. He couldn't afford to make even one false move here.

'This is the last thing I need,' Cloud thought. 'Why couldn't people accept I'm here to help and move on?' He didn't understand what anyone would have to gain from discouraging him, but he intended to find out.

Whoever was behind this was out of their mind if they thought five guards could take out him, Yuffie and six WRO operatives. Now that Cloud was aware of them, he would easily be able to anticipate their attack and kill them before they could do any serious damage.  
'Then again, if they did die, I could arguably be seen as attacking another nation's army. Even though Yuffie would know the truth, if she's not popular in Wutai at the moment, someone could easily subvert the will of the people. Maybe they're not here to succeed, but to die?'

That meant the person who had payed them off must have been more ruthless then he thought. They could have volunteered themselves, but Cloud thought that was unlikely, given how frightened they obviously were. If he had to guess, he would say they were somehow forced into this. But by who?

They were preparing to act, Cloud realised. They probably didn't want them talking to the villagers. There were a couple of hundred metres away from the house, just far enough away that they might go unnoticed. Cloud readied himself to strike.

He didn't have to wait long. The guy right behind him attempted to jump on him first, theoretically leaving him open to the attacks of his four comrades. This would have worked, if Cloud hadn't been expecting exactly that opening move.

He threw the first guard to the floor, casting 'slow' on the other four. This gave his troops enough time to realise what was going on. The guards weren't able to protect themselves from the furious charge. The troops mightn't have been the most technically proficient force, but what they lacked in skill they made up for with enthusiasm.

Yuffie glared furiously at the downed guards. She went to speak but Cloud interrupted her.

"I want to know who made you do this and how," Cloud said. "If you give me that information, I _may _spare your lives."

The guard Cloud had knocked to the floor was the first to crack.

"I never wanted to defect, but they have our families!" he cried desperately. "They said if we attacked you, even if we were killed, our families would be spared and they would be looked after. The man who talked to me was Syratov, but I think he had other allies, too. "

Cloud let him get up, keeping a wary eye on him. One of the guards hissed something in Wutai.

"Care to repeat that so I can understand," Cloud requested, flicking his sword to the guard's throat.

"Kill me, then," the guard mocked. "It doesn't matter. My life means nothing to me anymore."

"You're all fools," said Cloud coolly. "You have no assurances that whoever's got your family will keep them alive. I suggest you put down your weapons and help me, instead."

The guard closest to Cloud dropped his weapon. Slowly, three of the others followed suit, until there was just one, looking at Cloud disgustedly. He twisted until Orwell could no longer hold him. Cloud braced himself for an attack.

The guard rushed forward. Cloud let him get close, hoping to catch him at the last minute, when he was most vulnerable to attack. Before he could, he heard a hissing noise.

His head began to spin as the guard slumped forward, his face triumphant.

The next few moments were a confusion of noise as everyone began talking at once. Cloud fought against the induced fatigue, trying to use his 'heal' materia without success.

He felt the familiar soothing sensation of a 'heal' spell. Yuffie was standing in front of him, looking a little smug.

"I don't believe you fell for that," she said. "Honestly, that's a newbie trick."

"Not the time, Yuffie" Cloud managed say.

"He won't be up to much for a while," Yuffie said, pointing at Cloud. "So if we want to get Syratov, we should probably leave him behind."

"No. You should keep on talking to the villagers," Cloud said slowly, fighting off a tired stupor. "I'll take you. These four, plus everyone from WRO should bury the corpse and then wait at the truck. For now, we don't want anyone knowing that the guards survived."

"Shouldn't we do it the other way round?" asked Alexis. "And pretend that you died? It would give us an advantage."

"But that's not what they expect. We need to keep them thinking that everything is going to plan for as long as possible. If anyone in the village is expecting us, they will report that to Syratov." Cloud explained.

"Right," said Yuffie. "You four, behave. Remember, you were lucky this time. Try anything again and I won't be as merciful." Cloud followed, wishing that he could just stay in the truck.

The first places they visited were the outlying houses, which were empty. Those farms look as if they would barely make enough to support their own families, let alone send out produce to Wutai city.

They discovered the reason for the deserted houses when they entered the village centre. They had found the villagers, all gathered in a hall. Cloud had wanted to wait until they were done talking but Yuffie insisted on barging in.

The villagers did seem to be delighted to see her. They began talking all at once, the Wutai conversations flying right over Cloud's head. Yuffie tried to answer them all, but it was clear from her expression that she was troubled.

'Is anyone here reporting to Syratov?' Cloud wondered. No one seemed to stand out, but that didn't mean much. He imagined Syratov would pay or threaten ordinary villagers to report. Cloud wouldn't be able to identify them from visuals alone and as he couldn't understand what they were saying, he had no idea who was working for his enemies.

The meeting wound up after about an hour. After that, Yuffie had asked to meet individual families. Everywhere they went, the families seemed to be struggling. Everyone in the village looked hungry and the conditions which they lived in were appalling.

Wherever they went, Yuffie insisted on trying to help. She had brought some supplies for families. There was not enough to meet there needs, but the families obviously appreciated the efforts all the same.

Cloud kept his eye out for enemies, but saw nothing. By the end of the day he was thoroughly exhausted and still suffering the after-effects of the poison. Finally he forced Yuffie to leave the village and go back to the car.

"But I wanted to help," she moaned. "Honestly, you boys are all the same! War, war, war, that's all that matters to you!"

"I can't help them right now and neither can you," Cloud pointed out. "But we can find out who's trying to sabotage us and then we can report whatever you found out to your father and the WRO."

"But what do I say about the villager's situation?" Yuffie said. "Apparently, anything that they try to grow doesn't grow properly and they have no idea why. How can we fix that?"

"I don't know. I _do_ know that we have another job to do, first. Until we've dealt with the opposition, there isn't anything we can do."

"Fine." They walked back to the truck, with Yuffie sulking the whole way back. What did she expect him to say? That it would all be fine? That was obviously not true and she knew it. She was just taking her frustration out on him.

When they arrived the guards and WRO troops alike crowded around him, all asking the same question.

"What do we do next?"

"I'm going to sleep," said Cloud irritably. "Drive the truck close to Wutai city, park it just outside, near Syratov's house. Wake me before dawn."

The objections started immediately. Everyone wanted to charge straight in. Cloud knew there were perfectly good reasons for following his plan, but he couldn't think of them right now. All he knew was that he needed rest and if he didn't sleep now, he would soon collapse.

"Trust me," he said, before leaning against the truck walls and falling into a deep sleep.

_He stood on a pillar, surrounded by water. The beauty of this place was breathtaking, a testament to the glory of the ancients, but for Cloud this place evoked a sense of dread and failure. This is where he had committed one of his greatest sins. He had let an angel die, had nearly been the instrument of her destruction herself. _

_He had hurt her in so many ways, he found himself thinking. _

"_Are you there, Zack?" he asked. _

"_I'm here." Of course. _

_ "Do you ever regret…what happened between us?" Cloud asked. _

"_Never." _

"_Not even for a moment?" Cloud pressed. "Not even after everything that's happened?"_

"_Never," Zack repeated. "What about you?"_

_ "I don't know." Cloud answered honestly. "I'm trying to make everything connect, but the pieces won't fit properly. It's almost like I'm two completely different people." There was a long silence before Zack started speaking. _

"_I just wanted you to be happy," Zack said. "More then anything, I wished you would smile." He sounded unusually serious. _

_ "Back in the past or now?" Cloud asked. _

"_Both."  
"I don't understand that, either. I forgot you. No, worse then that, I tried to wipe you off the face of history! How did you manage to forgive me? Why do you still care?" _

_Zack pulled him close for a moment and all his worries seemed to melt away.  
"I'd like to explain, but I think we're out of time." _

_ The pillar beneath their feet shook and then crumbled away into nothingness. He was plunged straight into the water, falling into the black depths. _

**Cloud, 16 **

Cloud woke up slowly. He realised he was in a bed, which was a little strange, because he was sure he'd fallen asleep on a couch. The next thing he realised was there was bright light stea.

He opened his eyes and sat upright. He had never seen this room before, but he found the clock sitting on the bedside.

'10:23! It can't be 10:23,' he thought. 'Zack promised he'd wake me up.'

He thought for a second. There were only three logical explanations. Firstly, that he had somehow suffered amnesia and it was a completely different day to the one he thought it was. Secondly, that Zack had been called to a very important mission and hadn't even had time to wake Cloud up before he left.

'Or he just forgot,' thought Cloud glumly. It didn't seem like the SOLDIER would forget after he promised Cloud, but it could have happened. Cloud supposed it was his fault. He should have just set an alarm.

'I still don't understand how I got here,' he thought. 'This looks like it's Zack's room. But why he put me here?' As Cloud considered the possibilities, the door began to open. Cloud slowly got off the bed.

"Oh, you're already awake," said Zack, looking disappointed. He was in full uniform and holding a small white bag. "I brought you breakfast."

"Thank you," said Cloud confusedly. "I don't really have time to eat it, though. I have to get down to my shift." 'Or rather, I need to explain why I'm so late.'

"Your shift ended twenty-four minutes ago," Zack pointed out. "It's alright, I already spoke with your sergeant. You're relieved of the extra shifts."

"You didn't have to do that," said Cloud. "This made Zack laugh for some reason.

"You wouldn't wake up, so I had to take desperate measures," he explained. "I tried, I really did, but you were pretty out of it. I figured you'd be more comfortable here, while I went and explained your absence."

Cloud blushed.

"I guess I was more tired then I thought," he said lamely.

"You haven't been taking good enough care of yourself," Zack lectured. "But I guess that's where I come in."

Zack moved closer. Cloud was suddenly aware that they were alone, in his _bedroom_.

"I've been talking to Seph. He's been pretty helpful, actually. Found a room you can stay in and also suggested that I take some time to train you, personally. Or, as he said, 'If you're going to hang around Strife so much, you might as well make yourself useful in the process.' So asked if we could have some mornings together and _he _said he'd excuse you from morning practice whenever we happen to be off missions."

Cloud was having difficulty processing everything that Zack was saying.

"You call the General 'Seph'?" he asked slowly.

"Yup. And before you ask, no, he doesn't approve." Cloud smiled.

"I didn't think so."

"Anyway, back to business. This is what you wanted, isn't it? I know that you'll probably enjoy having a place away from everyone else, but do you still want to be in SOLDIER? I'll understand if you want something else. I'd even help you get back home, if that's what you really wanted." The older boy was practically babbling by the end of it, looking entreatingly at the blonde.

Cloud shook his head violently.

"I'm not leaving," he said. "Besides, I left to get stronger. I want to prove that I can be something and I want…to be able to fight by your side. To be worthy."

"It's just as well you're so determined," Zack said, running a finger down his cheek bone. "I think you'll make a good protégé. Though I might be a little bit biased."

Cloud hummed, trying to think of a reply. He gave up, deciding instead to act on his desire. He reached up, so he could kiss the older boy. Zack responded by pulling him in tighter, deepening the kiss.

It was Zack who finally broke it off.

"As much as I'd like to continue, you need to get ready. I want to assess your abilities before you have to leave for afternoon practice and we need to move your stuff into your new room." Cloud nodded and they walked out into the living room.

Zack handed him the bag. It turned out that it contained a ham and cheese baguette. It was divine, far better then anything the cafeteria served. Cloud sighed contentedly.

Zack sat besides him, occasionally trying to flatten his hair. Being with him was so nice; Cloud wished he could live with hm. He understood that just wasn't possible, for a variety of reasons, but he couldn't help but imagine what it would be like.

"I'd better have a shower," said Cloud. "I'll go get my stuff…" Zack interrupted him. "You don't have to. I brought it all over." Zack pointed to the clothes pile, where Cloud's neatly folded clothes were resting in their suitcase underneath the mess.

"You went through my stuff?" asked Cloud.

"It's not like you're hiding any thing incriminating, right?" asked Zack. "Just a couple of letters. Unless there's something you don't want me to see…" he trailed off suggestively.

"No," said Cloud defensively. "But you're not supposed to read other people's letters, you know."

Actually, Cloud wasn't too keen on Zack reading them. His mother made several references to finding a girlfriend as well as Tifa 'waiting for him to return'. He didn't want Zack thinking his mother was intolerant, though truthfully he didn't know how she would react if she heard about Zack.

"Anyway, I've got some clothes for you, so you can have a shower here before you move. You probably want to get your uniform off. It has to be uncomfortable."

"A little bit," Cloud admitted. Zack tossed him some exercise clothes and Cloud used his shower.

Cloud made sure not to take too long, aware that Zack tended to be impatient. He didn't want to delay too much either. If Zack had somehow managed to get time to train him, then he wanted to make the most of it.

When he was done, Zack showed him to his new room. It was technically for advanced cadets, those who were in the advanced stages of training for SOLDIER. Cloud had objected to this – it was beyond his rank, after all, but Zack had waved his objections aside.

"From now on, you're training for SOLDIER anyway. Besides, this room was already free."

Cloud had to admit, he appreciated the extra space. The room was tiny and he still had to use to communal bathrooms, but he had his own desk and he was no longer as restricted by curfew hours.

The unpacking was fairly quick - Cloud didn't have many personal items – so Zack decided to take him down to the training room. He had clearance to go into the SOLDIER sections, obviously, so he'd taken Cloud there.

Looking around, Cloud noticed it was far larger and nicer then his own training room. There was a large VR centre in one corner, a rather scorched looking target in the other. Machinery covered the other edges and the middle had clearly been left free for sparing.

The gym was fairly crowded when they first arrived, but the centre was free, more or less.

"We'll try hand to hand first," Zack instructed. "Because that's what you were practicing in your squad anyway. After we've got the basics down pat, you can move onto sword work. Then, if we have time, we'll do materia. Though, from memory, you scored really well on that part of the test. That and theory were definitely your best subjects."

Cloud nodded, not even bothering to ask how Zack had known. He'd probably looked up his test results. He supposed that the Lieutenant of the army _would_ have access to that kind of information.

The other SOLDIERs looked at them interest. Having that many eyes on him was overwhelming. He wanted to impress them, but he was sure he'd fail.

"Okay, I want you to come at me with everything you've got. Show me what you can do and we'll go from there."

Cloud nodded and readied himself.

"Bend your knees more," Zack instructed. "And _relax. _You're too tense."

'That's not really surprising,' Cloud thought. 'Given the circumstances.' Still, he did his best to comply with Zack's instructions.

Cloud threw the first punch. Zack intercepted almost lazily, pulling him forwards until he was bent over, his hand a couple of inches away from the ground. He had to scramble to avoid falling over all together.

"Not like that," Zack instructed. "Don't put all your weight behind it. Focus on hitting fast and dead on target."

Cloud took a deep breath and tried again. Still, he was too slow. Zack was able to block him with ease, forcing him to take a step back. Cloud responded by attempting to hit him again, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't hit the SOLDIER.

Eventually, Zack managed to twist one of his arms over the other, effectively pinning him.

"Not bad," he said. "But you're still off balance a lot of the time. That kind of thing can decide who wins a fight, all other things being equal. That goes for sword fighting, too."

Cloud nodded and they began again.

Soon, Cloud lost count of the times that Zack had brought the fight to a standstill, disabling him with a simple move. Cloud realised he could probably do that at any time, but he only did so when he had particular instructions. Cloud soon learnt what tactics were likely to end things and tried to modify his own style accordingly.

It was a very difficult exercise. The level of refinement Zack was expecting from him was entirely different to anything he had ever faced before. He was beginning to become distressingly familiar with the ground. He wondered what the SOLDIERS were thinking.

'Probably wondering why their Lieutenant picked such a bad person to train."

As the endless fighting continued on he soon lost track of the time. Breathing became difficult and his arms were burning. Even maintaining his stance was draining his energy.

His head was spinning. Following Zack's instructions was becoming more difficult. The result was that he being thrown around more then ever.

He should have given up, but Zack didn't seem to notice his exhaustion and Cloud wasn't going to ask him to stop now. He was determined to see this training all the way through.

"That's enough," a fierce voice cut through their training. The General was staring at them, his eyes focused on Zack.

"I told you that it was fine for you to train with Private Strife, so long as you were _responsible_. That includes understanding his limits, Zackary."

"I'm….fine," Cloud protested. "Just…need to…catch my breath." He gagged as he felt the familiar acid burn in the back of his throat.

"I expect you to take more care in the future," Sephiroth continued. "And Strife, if you feel exhausted you should just say so. Zackary can be a little…overenthusiastic."

"I'll be more careful in future," Zack promised.

"It'll be fine. I just…can't seem to keep up."

"It's to be expected. Considering your irregular sleeping and eating patterns, I would expect your abilities to be temporarily affected."

Cloud looked up at the General in confusion.

"How did you know that, sir?" Cloud asked. "Did Zack tell you?"

"I've been monitoring you, at Lieutenant Fair's request. Apparently he was concerned about your health."

Cloud felt momentarily embarrassed. Zack had asked the General to 'monitor' him?

"Alright, nice to see you, but we'd better be going now," Zack said hurriedly.

"I expect to see you at your office nice and early. You still have lots of work to do."

"Yeah, yeah."

Zack practically pulled Cloud out the training room.

"Sorry about that. You okay?"

"I'm fine. I guess I just went a little too hard."

Zack stared at him, trying to judge whether he was lying.

"The General can be a little up himself sometimes, but I owe him a lot. I admit, I asked him to watch you."

"Why? I mean…the General? That's going a little overboard," Cloud interrupted.

"After you ran off, I had no idea what was wrong. I had a feeling you wanted to avoid me. So I asked Seph to keep an eye on you. If not for him, I would have never got to you on time…"

"I understand," said Cloud, looking away. He didn't want to think about what would have happened.

"You going to be okay? I can get you out of evening practice, if you like."

"No," said Cloud. "I have to work, too. Besides, I'm almost feeling better now." He wasn't really feeling much better, but he didn't want Zack using his privileges to help him all the time. People would start becoming suspicious if Zack was seen to be interfering too much.

"Sure you are," said Zack dubiously. "Well, at least promise me you'll grab a bite to eat before you go. Seeing as Sephiroth has apparently taken a liking to you, he'd probably have my head if you passed out during practice."

"I think you're exaggerating," said Cloud.

"No way. Sephiroth's crazy loyal to his friends. I think he likes you more then me, too, but that could be because I enjoy winding him up so much."

"At this rate, he'll try and steal you away from me," Zack continued. Cloud rolled his eyes. He knew most people would assume that Zack was talking about their training arrangement, but Cloud understood what he was insinuating. The look in his eyes was positively devious.

"I wouldn't want that,' Cloud assured him. "But I _do _have to go."

"Have fun," said Zack. "I should have tomorrow off. I'll be busy in the morning, but I can meet you around ten or so?"

"Sounds good," said Cloud, while mentally praying that Zack went a little easier on him. If he had to go through this again, he'd probably die. Well, he supposed no one had said making it into SOLDIER would be easy.

When he returned to his room that night, he couldn't help but wonder if everything that happened was just a wonderful dream. He couldn't wrap his head around the complete change in fortune he had experienced.

He promised himself that he would do all he could to take advantage of the amazing opportunity he had been given.

'If you're willing to help me, I'll do my best to succeed,' Cloud thought as he was lying in bed. 'I won't waste a single moment.'

**Author's Note : Okay, just to quickly clarify, this fiction centres around the zack/cloud pairing. Yes, cloud/tifa is mentioned and yes, I will discuss their relationship in more detail in later chapters, however it is not the key issue I want to explore during the course of the story. As for why I included it at all….If you want to know, you're just going to have read it to find out. I hope people are enjoying the story so far. Thank you everyone who has reviewed, I appreciate any feedback very much :) **


	9. Chapter 9

_Vulnerabilities _

**Cloud, 22 **

"Oy! Rise and shine! We've got a household to break into!" Cloud was jolted awake by a very frustrated looking Yuffie.

"Where are we?" asked Cloud sleepily. "What time is it?"

"It's three o'clock and we're about fifteen minutes by foot out of Wutai, in a position where we can sneak up on Syratov," Yuffie answered. "Now, what's the plan?"

'What is my plan?' Cloud thought for a moment.

"We can't all go in at once," Cloud said. "Yuffie, you should definitely sit this one out."

"No way!"

"You need to make your father aware of the situation. If you could call Reeve, that would also be helpful. The more people we have on our side, the better this will go for us." If only he had more information to send. This plan was bigger then just one man, or even one family.

Cloud looked at the guards.

"I'll need your names," he said.

"Enlai."

"Rui."

"Arata."

Cloud silently rehearsed the names until he had them committed to memory. Then he thought about his own troops. He'd have to decide who would come with him tonight.

"Okay, you three plus Alexis and Orwell will come with me. I want the rest of you to accompany Yuffie. If anything goes wrong, I'll be contacting you via PHS, so it's important you keep them on."

"You do know the way to the Syratov house, don't you?" Cloud asked the three guards.

"Of course," replied Enlai. "Fydor Syratov is one of the most powerful men in Wutai."

"Is he the only member of his family?" asked Cloud. Enlai nodded.

"His father and elder brothers were killed during the war. His mother committed suicide soon after."

In other words, he had a fairly good motive for acting against Cloud. He wouldn't realise that Cloud also had good reason to hate everything Shinra had stood for.

'Still…it seems too obvious. Is revenge really all this about?' Cloud wondered.

"Let's go, then," said Cloud. "We'll go first. The second team should follow after ten minutes."

"I've got this," said Yuffie. "I'll keep everyone safe."

Cloud has his doubts, but he didn't voice them. He stepped outside of the car and followed Enlai as he walked towards the Syratov house. Alexis and Orwell struggled to stay silent through the thick, grassy fields.

As they approached, Cloud noticed there were no fences or guards patrolling the perimeter. This just confirmed his suspicions.

"This is a trap," he said. "Hopefully we can beat Syratov at his own game, though."

If they had more time it might have been possible to investigate their location, but then again espionage was not really his thing. Maybe if Vincent had been here or one of the other Turks, even, they would have a chance. For now, he would have to rely on his own abilities.

They went up the back steps and approached the door. It was locked, but Rui silently gestured for Cloud to step aside. He unlocked the door with a soft 'click' and they were able to walk inside the silent house.

'Still no guards,' Cloud thought. 'If he abducted all these people, he has to have guards. So where are they tonight?' Cloud took the lead here, as his mako-enhance vision allowed him to see in the pitch black house.

The more he walked around the house, the more normal it seemed. There was no evidence that anyone other then Syratov had been living here or that he was involved in any illegal activities.

He was walking through a hallway when he noticed that one of the rooms was lit up. Cloud internally cursed his ill-fortune. Syratov was ready for them after all and he wasn't even bothering to be subtle about it.

Cloud listened at the door. He could hear, very faintly, the noise of someone breathing. He could also hear mechanical noises, similar to that of a computer system. Cloud gestured at the door and the swung it open, making sure to keep his blade at the ready.

Syratov was sitting at a desk, looking at a computer screen. He was fiddling with a powerful looking gun.

He looked up at Cloud contemptuously.

"Come to kill me?" he asked. "Like you killed all those others?"

"What others?" asked Cloud."I don't know what you're talking about."

"No, I don't suppose you do. Very soon, four families are going to be found, all brutally murdered. It will be revealed that they had raised objections to the WRO's involvement in Wutai. They had gone into hiding, you see, but you found them anyway," Syratov said mockingly. "How cruel, to murder the children as well as their parents." Enlai gasped in horror, while Arkari spat out curses in Wutai. Rui seemed too shocked for words.

"This isn't revenge," said Cloud. "This is too cruel and impersonal for revenge. So what do you want?"

"Oh, it's about revenge, too," said Syratov. "I want to see you helpless, like Wutai was, when Shinra invaded. But you are right, it's about more then just that."

"Helpless?" asked Cloud. "I think your position is more precarious then mine. If I kill you, then have these three testify in the courts, I'll almost certainly be cleared."

"Perhaps, but I have a significant portion of the Wutai army on my side. I could have used my more loyal soldiers, but to be quite frank I found manipulating them to be amusing."

Rui rushed past him straight towards Syratov. The man didn't even blink as he killed the guard. Even Cloud didn't have time to react.

"A pity," he commented. "I'll have to disguise his cause of death." Cloud went to attack him, but felt the cold kiss of steel at his throat.

He looked around as far as he was able. Guards had swarmed in, taking advantage of their momentary distraction. He could probably take them, but they had the advantage. He doubted they'd be able to kill him, but they could easily take out the others.

He was out of options. There was only one thing left to do and it was stupidly risky. He touched the materia in his blade, feeling it react to his will. He could feel the life inside, waiting for him to summon it.

He gave it nearly all his life-force, or that's what it felt like. The pure energy required to summon something this powerful onto the physical plane, even if it was just an echo, was immense.

'Which is why I shouldn't have to resort to this,' he thought. A burst of light radiated from the materia and with it, a force which knocked everyone to their feet. When the light faded they could see that the roof had been destroyed. Flying above them was a phoenix, the bringer of life and death.

It was a shining beacon above the city of Wutai. If Yuffie hadn't realised anything was wrong, she was about to find out. It was too ostentatious for Cloud's liking, but in these closed quarters it had been too likely that someone would get hurt. Now, he had completely changed the nature of the fight.

He watched as the guards which had been previously confident panicked. Syratov fired round after round into the apparition, which continued to shower the enemies in flame. It would take much more then a couple of bullets to bring it down.

'But I can't sustain this forever,' Cloud realised. Each moment the phoenix remained was a drain on his strength. 'I'll have to let it take out some of the guards and hopefully grab Syratov.'

The phoenix let out one final devastating attack before Cloud dispelled it. The smell of burning flesh filled the house. Somehow, Syratov had managed to survive the attack, but he was badly burnt. Cloud considered finishing him off, but decided not to. He would need his testimony – willing or not – to conclusively prove his innocence.

Cloud eyed his injuries. He'd passed out, most likely out of pain. The shock alone might kill him and Cloud didn't think he could use materia anymore. He considered asking one of his allies to do it, but discounted the possibility. He was fairly sure that none of them had been trained in anything but the most basic materia usage.

He took out his PSH and dialled Yuffie's number. He was pleasantly surprised when she picked up.

"About time!" she yelled as soon as she answered. "Half my guards have gone rouge, you're lucky I'm not dead!"

"I didn't realise…Can you get over here now?"  
"Yeah, why? Did someone manage to survive the giant, flaming bird attack of doom?"

"Yeah," replied Cloud. "And I need you to make sure he stays that way."

"Alright. I guess I'll bail you out, then."

She hung up the phone. He turned to the others, searching them for any sign of injury. The two remaining guards were obviously traumatised. Arati stared at the body of his friend while Enlai turned away in grief. Orwell was trying awkwardly to comfort them while Alexis looked at the carnage, his eyes curiously blank.

Cloud checked on his downed opponent. He was still breathing, but his pulse was irregular. He wouldn't last long and there wasn't really anything he could do for him. He cursed his own helplessness.

"Materia-princess Yuffie, to the rescue!" Cloud turned around. Yuffie was standing besides a cloaked figure he eventually realised was Vincent.

"What-?"

"Never mind what I'm doing here," said Vincent, cutting him off. "You needed help?"

Cloud pointed to the unconscious Syratov.

"Heal him," he said. "He's behind tonight's events. I want him to stand trial." Vincent and Yuffie looked him over.

"He's pretty far gone," she said. "But we'll do what we can." Cloud watched as the duo managed to stabilise the criminal.

"We'll need to take him to the holding cell," said Vincent calmly. Yuffie grit her teeth.

"Damn straight."

"Can you take him?" asked Cloud. "Or is the castle still compromised?" Vincent shook his head.

"Not anymore, to the best of my knowledge."

"Any injuries?"

"Nothing major."

"Take him, then," he said tiredly. "Is there anything else that needs doing?"

"Nothing _you _can do," Vincent replied cryptically.

"Fine," said Cloud. "Then we can all accompany you. We're moving out!"

Alexis finally tore his gaze away from the flame scorched room. Orwell helped Arati and Enlai begin to move, occasionally looking at Vincent with undisguised awe.

Wandering through Wutai, Cloud was shocked by how quiet the city was. Didn't people notice the fact he'd summoned a giant phoenix in their city? Shouldn't they be up and about?

The inside of the palace was a different story. Corpses littered the rooms, blood splattered the walls. Hardened to death as he was, Cloud still couldn't help but blanch at the sight.

"A nation torn down the middle," Vincent observed coldly. "It was an invisible civil war, one which Syratov may have well won, if not for the fact that he grew over confident." Cloud didn't bother replying. He just followed as they placed Syratov in a holding cell and then returned to the main hall of the palace.

"I want to go find my family," said Arati. "Even if they're…even if they're gone, I want to look at them and know the truth. Please, you have to let me!"

"You should take people with you," said Cloud. "There might be some of Syratov's men waiting for you. I'm still not sure exactly who was involved in this…"

"Syratov was the founder," Vincent said. "But there were a lot of other families, mostly involved in the military." Cloud gave Vincent a sharp look.

"Then you should take someone with you," he said, turning back to the two guards. "If we could find the others, I'd have my team escort you."

Cloud leaned up against the wall. He was mentally and physically exhausted. He mightn't be injured, but he felt as if he had run a marathon.

"Wow, someone's gotten soft. Can't you go two hours without falling asleep, now?" Yuffie taunted.

"Shut up, Yuffie."

"Never mind. I'll go get your team and send them out. I think they're all fit to go."

"Fine."

Cloud watched Yuffie go. Then he turned to Vincent.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. "You're not working for the WRO, at least not officially. I wasn't told you'd be working with me. So why are you here?"

"You could say I'm freelancing," Vincent replied. "Actually, I've known about Syratov for ages. He's been systematically sabotaging production in Wutai since before Meteor. Incidentally, he's been hording food and resources."

"Very interesting," replied Cloud. "Doesn't explain what you're doing here."

"I knew that Syratov would choose this opportunity to attack and I knew you wouldn't be able to handle it, uninformed as you were."

"So you're here to help me?" asked Cloud. "Or are you here to swoop in and save the day?"

"What do you mean?" asked Vincent. "I came, I helped. I don't see what you have to be upset about."

"You could have just told me about this," Cloud pointed out.

"You would have given yourself away," Vincent said.

Cloud disagreed, but didn't say anything in reply. He trusted the gun-man, but he didn't understand him or his motives. He had managed to get himself to Wutai – not an easy task in these times – and somehow he was more informed about the Wutai situation then the WRO. It was too much effort to go to for no real reason.

'Unless he's here for Yuffie. Maybe she's reason enough,' Cloud thought hazily. It didn't seem likely. Vincent appeared to be too wrapped up in his own grief and loss to care so much for another person, let alone someone like Yuffie.

"We should help with the clean up efforts," Cloud said, reluctantly removing himself from his corner. He reported to the nearest guard and began the grizzly work that needed to be done.

He continued working through the night and into the early dawn. When Godo was finally awake and ready to see them, he dragged his troops plus Vincent up to the castle.

"I want to go home," Cloud said as soon he was near the emperor."It seems like we were just bait, to make Syratov act rashly. If that's the case, we're done now. If you really need to hold a trial, I'm pretty sure there are people here who will testify in my absence."

"But this is only the beginning," Godo protested. "We need to reunite the people and inspire them…"

"Too bad."

Cloud met the Emperor's hard stare in a battle of wills.

"If you leave, I want you to ask Reeve for scientists and workmen," Godo said firmly. "As you can see, there is much to be done."

"Fine," said Cloud. "Vincent, whether you stay or come with us is entirely up to you. The rest of you, I expect to see you back on the plane…"

"But sir, we're supposed to stay here for a month," said Orwell. "To help with the rebuilding." Cloud went to argue, but he could see how obviously the younger boy wanted to stay.  
"Who wants to stay?" he asked. Orwell, Carter and Brooks all stuck up their hands, looking nervous. Alexis shook his head and Lillian stood besides him firmly. Young also moved behind Cloud, looking nervous.

"Fine," said Cloud. "I'm sure Reeve won't care, either way, though I can't be sure. I'll have to contact him before I leave."

"I'm sure he'll be grateful to have you back," said Vincent.

"Hmph. At least some of you are eager to help," Godo said. "I assure you, you'll be treated well here."

"They had better be," said Cloud firmly.

Against all manors and protocol Cloud walked out of the meeting, the two siblings and Young following behind him. He sent a quick message to his pilot – who had been unable to go home due to lack of resources – and then dialled Reeve.

The WRO leader was busy, so Cloud left a quick message explaining what had happened. He was pretty sure that Reeve would understand his reasons for leaving and besides, it was highly unlikely he would be fired. They were friends, for starts and the WRO was desperate for manpower anyway.

It took until the early afternoon for everyone to be assembled, packed and ready to go. Yuffie and his 'borrowed' team members came to see him off, though Vincent was conspicuously absent.

Cloud knew he should say something, to mark the end of the mission and to help his team cope in the aftermath of an emotionally difficult battle.

The only words which came to mind where, "Good work." He should have said more, but he was just too damn tired.

"Are you alright?" asked Lillian. "You don't look well."

"I'm fine," Cloud said firmly. She was about to argue that statement, but her brother shoved her little and she fell silent.

Cloud looked away from both of them. They needed him now, but he wasn't good enough to help them and he never would be.

'I failed,' he thought in despair. 'Just like always.'

_The smell of smoke burnt his nose, choking him. The crimson flames had already devoured everything in their path, leaving only charred remains. _

_He was crouched on the ground, his head bowed in despair. Just like that day, he was left staring after Sephiroth, wondering how this could have ever happened. _

"_They rebuilt this place," Cloud said out loud, trying to distract himself. "They filled it with people who all pretended they belonged there. Almost as if the fire never happened." _

"_I know," said Zack. "They liked to pretend that their failures never happened. Shinra, the perfect company." _

_ "I'm just the same. I can't face failure, either." _

"_Don't. Nothing you've done deserves the pain you put yourself through. You can't live like this." _

"_But I'm not good enough! I can never be good enough to walk in your footsteps. I'll never be who you wanted me to be!" _

_ The flames which had been previously dormant grew higher and more ferocious. Their heat scorched Cloud's skin. Breathing was becoming futile as more and more smoke entered the air. Zack was saying something, but Cloud couldn't hear him over the roaring of the flames. _

_ "I'm sorry," Cloud repeated over and over again as his skin begins to burn. The pain was incredible, but it only lasted for a moment before everything faded away…_

**Cloud, 16 **

Cloud couldn't sleep. He had woken up in the middle of the night and now he simply couldn't fall back to sleep. This was mostly because of the persistent aching in his arms. He understood, intellectually, that the pain was good, because it meant he was getting stronger. That didn't mean he had to like it.

He _was _beginning to enjoy training, however. Over the four days of his new training he had already started to notice improvements in his own abilities. Sure, he wasn't going to be making SOLDIER any time _soon_, but it was easier to believe he had a chance now.

Things were better with his squad, too. Bizarrely enough, Griffin hadn't bothered him once. Cloud wondered if Zack had said something, but decided not to investigate things. He was happy with the way things were.

Overall, he had no reason to complain. His training was difficult, yes and having to hide his relationship with Zack was occasionally frustrating, but he could deal with everything at the moment. Besides, there were moments which more then made up for their difficulties.

The thought made him smile. It was lucky that no one really cared too much about what he did, or people would have figured out his feelings for their Lieutenant ages ago. It was obvious that something about him had changed and you didn't have to look too closely to realise what.

Cloud tried in vain to find a more comfortable position. He should really try and get some more sleep. He didn't want to be tired for training. If only he could find a way to keep his muscles from aching…

He started as he heard the door open softly. He opened his eyes slightly. The hallway was dark, but he could just make out a figure standing behind the door, their eyes glowing slightly.

Cloud opened his eyes fully.

"Zack?" he called out hesitantly. Which other SOLDIER would visit him in the middle of the night?

"You're okay," said Zack shakily. He walked into his bedroom. "Perfectly fine."

"Of course I'm fine," replied Cloud, slowly easing himself out of bed. "Why wouldn't I be?"  
Zack pulled him into a tight embrace, not saying anything. As close as they were, Cloud could hear Zack's ragged breathing and feel the racing of his heart.

"I didn't mean to wake you," Zack admitted. "I just wanted to see you for a moment."

"It's okay," said Cloud, even thought things clearly weren't.

"I was walking through the halls, killing everyone who tried to stop me," Zack said, his voice eerily flat. "I didn't know why or what I was doing, I just knew they had to die."

"W-what are you talking about?" Cloud asked shakily. Was Zack having a breakdown or something?

"Then you appeared. You begged me to stop. But I didn't...I killed you, instead. The way your eyes went dark…The blood covering your shirt…I had lost everything, then, to become a mindless tool of Shinra."

"But that must have been a dream," Cloud interjected quickly. "I'm fine and you're still fine and everything's going to be okay, now."

"I know…I know that now. Just my imagination, tormenting me with my worst fears." Cloud looked up at Zack. He could see now the pain which the older boy kept hidden most of the time.

The things he must have seen and done were beyond Cloud's understanding. The fact that he was able to smile and keep on going showed just how strong he really was.

"It's understandable," Cloud said. "But, Zack, I believe in you. I can't imagine that you would ever lose yourself like that."

"But Angeal seemed so strong," Zack said despairingly. "And in the end…." He trailed off.

Cloud didn't know the exact details, but he knew enough to realise that whatever had happened between Zack and his mentor had been extremely traumatic. He fought for the right words.

"He trained you, didn't he? He must have known you better then anyone else."

"Yeah, I guess so," said Zack. "But, that doesn't really mean anything."

"It does," said Cloud. "Because he trusted you. It seems like, to me, that he wanted you to succeed him. So he must have thought you were strong enough to withstand this."

"You have a point," Zack said. The SOLDIER took a couple of deep breaths, settling slightly.

"I'm sorry," Zack whispered finally. "I shouldn't have disturbed you over something like this." Cloud shook his head.

"I want to be there for you, like you're always there for me," Cloud said. "Besides, it's not good to keep your doubts all bottled up inside. I know I can't help you much, but I'll be there to listen, if you need someone to talk to."

"You don't know how much that means to me…How much you mean to me." Cloud blushed and turned away.

"I'm glad," Cloud said.

They stood together for a moment, taking simple pleasure in each other's company. Cloud began to fell sleepy again. He tried and failed to stifle a yawn.

"What time is it?" Cloud asked. "Is it very late?"

"Technically, no, it's actually very early."

"Very funny."

"I should really leave you alone," Zack said. "I imagine this falls under the 'irresponsible' category."

"I guess," said Cloud. "You could always stay for a bit and then let me arrive later for training?"

"Not a chance," said Zack, in a semi-sadistic tone Cloud had learnt to dread. "You don't want to miss a moment of training, trust me."

Cloud sighed, though he'd already expected that answer.

"I'll be surprised if I can walk by the end of it," he said dryly.

"If that happens I'll just have to carry you all day," Zack replied. "Sounds like fun…"

Cloud shook his head, but he couldn't help from smiling. Zack must have felt a bit better, if he was joking around again.

"As tempting as your offer is, I might just try and get some rest." Cloud reluctantly turned away from Zack and got into bed.

"Good night, chocobo," Zack said.

"Night, Zack." Zack began to open the door then stopped and turned around.

"And thanks. For everything."

Cloud smiled sleepily as Zack returned back to bed. For once, he had been useful to the older boy. He hoped that he'd managed to banish some of the darkness which Zack kept hidden so well.

'I think I understand now…What it truly means to be a hero,' Cloud thought as he fell back asleep.

**Author's Note : Just a quick note on materia as represented in this story. While everyone can technically use materia in the story, most people struggle with it. Cloud was naturally gifted to start with (kinda like Yuffie, I suppose) and the mako treatments ect. help with his innate abilities. That's why he can Summon things. Most people couldn't and even SOLDIERs struggled to maintain a summmon. Also, losing 'MP' is represented as being tired and generally fatigued. While they're not physically injured, someone who's out of 'MP' is unlikely to continue fighting unless they really have to.**

So, that's all sorted. Oh, and In case anyone's wondering, Tifa will indeed make another appearance in the next chapter. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note: This chapter was written for all the introverts who like sitting in corners while everyone else is partying and for all the extroverts who help to make sure they interact with other people at least occasionally. **

_Introversion _

**Cloud, 22 **

He woke up feeling sick. His head burnt and his stomach seemed to be twisting itself into knots.

He flickered in and out of consciousness, seeing things which made no sense. He saw Alexis for a moment, but he was replaced by Sephiroth, who went from looking concerned to threatening to kill him.

He felt a moment's disorientation before he was picked up and placed…somewhere. He tried to call out a few times – alternating between crying for Zack and demanding to see Reeve – but gave up quickly.

He slept for a while more and when he woke up he was feeling a little better. Less like he was dying, anyway. He was lying on his bed, back in his room. Someone was stroking his forehead.

"Oh Cloud," Tifa was crooning softly. "When will you stop working yourself to the ground?"

"I don't understand," Cloud replied softly, his throat feeling swollen. "SOLDIERs don't get sick."

Tifa sighed, sounding exasperated.

"That's all you have to say?" she asked. "You don't answer my phone calls and arrive half dead from your mission and that's all you can think to say?"

"It's true," Cloud pressed. "SOLDIERs don't get sick." He vaguely remembered Zack bragging about it.

"Cloud…You're overworked. The people who were with you said there were complications with the mission and that you were put in a difficult position. It's hardly surprising you got sick. Besides, you're not actually SOLDIER, so maybe you aren't protected quite like they were."

The last comment stung, but he supposed she had a point. Still, he thought the mako would protect him from getting sick. Unless he'd managed to have a relapse? The thought sent chills up his spine.

"The kids have been worried sick, of course," Tifa continued. "You know, you could have picked your phone at least once…"

"Busy," Cloud mumbled, trying to avoid the accusation in her voice. He knew she had every right to be upset. He should have talked to her, but he just couldn't.

"Couldn't you have at least taken a moment to let us know you were okay?" Tifa asked, sounding distressed. "If you had died…"

"I wasn't going to die," Cloud interjected.

"If you had, I wouldn't have known for ages."

"Tifa…" Cloud opened his eyes to look up at the woman who he was supposed to be in love with. She was crying slightly, tears running down her beautiful face. He cared that she was upset, but not as much as he should have.

"Please, Cloud, is too much to ask? I just want you to act like you care, for once."

"I care," he said, being entirely truthful for once. It was difficult to concentrate on her, with the pain in his head. Did they have to have this conversation now?

"It's nice for you to say that, but you never seem all there. It's like you're drifting away. If I don't hold you, you'll just let go altogether." She gave him a penetrating look, trying to peel back his secrets.

"I know that things have been hard for you," Tifa continued. "But we all need you, Cloud."

"I'll try," he said and he knew that wasn't what she wanted him to say. He could tell by the way she seemed to falter slightly, on the edge of saying something.

"Should I invite Denzel in?" she asked instead. "Marlene's not here, yet, but I think Denzel would like to see you. Unless you're too tired?" Cloud shook his head.

"He can come in," he said. Tifa gave him a shaky smile and went to go fetch their ward.

The young boy walked in hesitantly.

"I'm not bothering you, am I?" he asked.

"Of course not," Cloud replied gently. Denzel's expression brightened.

"Did you enjoy staying with Yuffie?"

"It was interesting," Cloud replied vaguely. "What about you? How's school been?"

Cloud listened as Denzel talked about his experience while his guardian was away. He was reluctant to talk about it at first, but Cloud was able to encourage him to explain more.

It was interesting. Watching as Denzel grew in confidence and ability made him feel better about himself and the world in general. He believed very strongly in the potential of the next generation and Denzel in particular.

"I'm trying to concentrate harder, at school," Denzel said. "But I don't ever think I'll enjoy learning. Reading words from a page just seems so boring when you compare it with the real world. Besides, I want to be a warrior! They don't need to read much, do they?"

Cloud thought it over.

"It depends. SOLDIERs were all expected to study a little, though some did it better then others." Cloud couldn't help but smile as he remembered Zack. He hadn't been a book person, either.

Denzel frowned.

"But maths? Who needs maths?"

"I wouldn't write maths off so quickly. Besides which, you might change your mind. You're still young."

"But I want to protect people, like you do," Denzel said.

"There's more then one way to protect people," Cloud replied. He personally wished Denzel would give up on the idea of working for the WRO as an operative. The horror of battle was not something he would wish on anyone, let alone someone he cared about.

"I guess so," the boy said dubiously. "But still…I don't think I'll like maths anytime soon."

"Not a lot of people do," he said honestly, unable to think up a better reply.

"I guess. Did you like maths?"

Denzel was always asking questions about his past. Cloud tried to be truthful with him where possible but sometimes he was forced to tell half-truths or lie outright. There were some things in his past that were too personal or horrible for him to talk about with a young boy.

"Sometimes," Cloud said. "We didn't have very good teachers where I lived, so I enjoyed learning what I could."

"I get it," Denzel said. "That's why you want me to go to school."

"That's part of it."

The door opened and Tifa reappeared, carrying a tray laden with food. Cloud noted with relief that it was all easily edible food. If it had been anything more then soup and bread he knew he wouldn't be able to eat it.

Tifa set it down in front of him. She looked a lot happier now, her eyes lit up with satisfaction.

"Reeve's downstairs," Tifa said. "I thought you might like to eat before he talked to you."

"Thanks."

He began to eat, but he only had a few mouthfuls. He honestly wasn't hungry yet.

"I guess I'll send Reeve up, then," Tifa said. "We should leave the two of you alone."

"I can walk," Cloud protested.

"You should rest, though," Tifa protested. "If you don't rest now, you won't recover your strength."

"Fine."

He watched her go, Denzel following behind her. Cloud slowly eased himself upright, trying to ignore the flash of pain in his head. He looked outside. The sun was just setting, he noticed. Had he really slept for an entire day?

He was still in his work clothes, though. Tifa mustn't have wanted to disturb him. He was oddly relieved. He didn't want to be facing his boss in his pyjamas even if they were friends.

Cloud got to his feet unsteadily, determined to walk. He had been in bed enough recently.

"You look as pale as a ghost," Reeve said when he first caught sight of Cloud.

"Do I?" asked Cloud, turning to face the tired CEO.

"I didn't know you even could get sick," Reeve continued. "But I suppose that's the problem. I forgot that you're human, just like the rest of us."

Cloud laughed bitterly.

"If you mean I have weakness, yeah, I guess I'm a little more 'human' then most."

"Hmm…Look, for what's it worth, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have relied on you so heavily. I plan on making that up to you."

"It's not like your life has been easy, either," Cloud pointed out.

"True. Still, I think we can both agree that some time off would be beneficial. And, quite frankly, you'd be no use to me at all if you died on a mission because you weren't at the top of your game."

"Everyone seems to think I'm on death's door," Cloud said dryly.

"We're just concerned," Reeve said. "Look, take this week off. If there's anything you need, don't hesitate to come and see me."

"I could work," Cloud pointed out. "It's not like I have to take the week off completely."

"No," said Reeve sternly. "You stay here, you recover. Nothing more, you understand?"

It was more then just friendly concern which was motivating him, obviously, but Cloud couldn't help but appreciate it all the same.

"Understood."

"Good. I'll ask for your official report on Wutai after your break. I've been talking to Vincent. I can't say I approve of his actions, but he assures me that he will restore Wutai, so I suppose that will have to be good enough for the moment."

"It will be a difficult situation to deal with," Cloud said. "I don't think the process will be easy."

"None of this is going to be easy," Reeve said. "We've known that since the beginning."

"True."

Reeve coughed awkwardly.

"Well anyway, I should probably get going."

"Yeah. I guess I'll see you in a week," Cloud said.

His boss left hurriedly, most likely already focused on another task. Cloud wondered who would tell him to take a break when he needed it.

'I guess he'll learn, one way or the other,' Cloud thought dryly.

He decided now that he was able to stand, he might as well take a shower. He made it quick, still feeling slightly unsteady on his feet. When he was done that he searched around his room, finally finding what he was looking for.

It was a book. An old book of fairy tales, taken from Nibelheim. All the school students had one, it was how they had learnt to read. Tifa had told him that this copy had somehow survived the fire, only slightly singed.

Nostalgia drew him towards it. Seeing it again reminded him of his childhood, of the days where he honestly believed in heroes and happy endings.

'I didn't know that heroes could die, or be controlled by evil beings. I didn't understand, then, just how cruel the world could be.'

He nearly put the book away, consumed by his angry thoughts, but he didn't. Instead he flipped open to a random page, reliving the stories of his youth. He had always liked to read. Back at Shinra, he had only been able to read non-fiction. His theoretical marks had been the one of the highest in his year level, he remembered.

Books were hard to find now. Even this book, damaged and as old as it was, was precious. As he read the stories, he wondered what stories would follow. Would they tell the stories of Midgar to the children of the future? Would the future generation learn from the mistakes of the past?

When Tifa came up to bed she found him asleep, the book of fairy tales still open on the bed.

"You really are strange," Tifa mused. "Sometimes I feel as if I don't understand you at all."

_He was still lying on a bed, but this one was different. The sheets were coarser and the bed itself was much smaller. If he concentrated, he could smell the scent of trees and rain outside. _

'_This place…I've been here before.' _

_ "My home," Zack announced. "Or rather, this was my old house." Now Cloud remembered. He _had _been here once before, during his quest to find Sephiroth. He had even met Zack's parents. _

_ Guilt assailed him as he remembered that brief meeting. He hadn't known who Zack was yet and his parents hadn't known who Cloud was, either. They had parted ways, his parents still unaware of what exactly had happened to their son. _

_ "I..Tifa should have told them," Cloud said. "She was trying to protect me, but it wasn't right. They should know…" _

"_What's done is done," said Zack, but Cloud could hear a hint of regret in his voice. "I wanted to see them, one last time, but I never made it. And if I'd gone there when I was on the run…" An ominous silence followed his words. _

_ "So they still don't know what happened?" Cloud asked, feeling sick. _

"_They know," said Zack. "Not the details, of course, but they realise that I'm not coming home. None of the SOLDIERs survived…Sephiroth got to them all." _

_ Cloud shuddered as he pictured Sephiroth killing off all the SOLDIERs, one by one. He remembered the devastation the night that Sephiroth decided to visit Shinra._

_ "Ssh…just relax now." Cloud felt as if he was falling asleep again. That didn't make any sense. Wasn't he already asleep? He felt so tired, though. _

"_Just relax," Zack said. Cloud nodded and gave into sleep. _

**Cloud, 16 **

True to his word, he had woken up when the alarm had gone off and even managed to resist the temptation to throw it through the wall. He staggered to his feet and struggled to collect his clothes.

He showered quickly and got his equipment together, wondering why Zack had to pick today of all days to be strict.

He walked quickly through the halls, trying in vain to dodge all the people who were already up and working. He stopped suddenly as his PHS went off. He picked it up, wondering who would be messaging him.

'If it's Zack saying he's changed his mind, I may just have to kill him,' Cloud thought, feeling uncharacteristically violent.

It wasn't Zack. The message was short, but Cloud had to read it twice before he processed it fully. Shinra was sending him to Junon for a month. He was supposed to leave tomorrow.

'But…I thought I wasn't meant to be going on long missions," Cloud thought indignantly. To be sent to Junon for simple guard duty was stupid. Surely they could send someone else?

'Not like there's anything I can do about it,' he thought bitterly. He headed towards the training room.

Zack was waiting for him, looking as happy as he normally did. He was standing in the middle of the gym, as usual, his face lit up with a grin. Cloud responded with a small smile of his own. No matter how bad he felt, when Zack smiled like that Cloud couldn't help but smile with him.

The smile faded quickly though, as Cloud remembered the message. He stepped up to Zack.

"Alright!" said Zack excitedly. "Time for some more push-ups. But don't worry too much, it's all going to be worth it. We'll start proper sword work tomorrow."

"No, we won't," Cloud interjected. Some of the observing SOLDIERs looked a little taken aback that a mere infantryman (or possibly a SOLDIER cadet, even Cloud wasn't quite sure of his 'official' rank anymore) would talk that way to their Lieutenant.

"Well, if you're not feeling confident.." Zack said, sounding a little bit disappointed.

"It's not that," Cloud said. "I've got a mission, starting tomorrow. I'm going to be gone for a month."

"What? That's not possible!"

"I just got the message," said Cloud, handing out his PHS. "You can read it for yourself." The SOLDIER snatched the phone off of him and quickly scanned the message.

"You're right," he admitted finally. "Damn Shinra. I suppose I'll just have to give you exercises to do in your absence. Think of it as a parting gift."

"Thank you," Cloud said dryly. "I'll treasure them dearly, I'm sure."

"Oh, you will."

The training lesson began in earnest. Zack seemed determined to cram a months worth of torture into two hours. They alternated between strength building exercises like push ups, sit ups and the like to proper sparring.

Cloud prayed to every deity and mystical figure he could think of off the top of his head to grant him supernatural powers. If he could just beat Zack in a fight, just one fight, he would be the happiest person alive.

Zack, damn him, seemed to realise that too. Every taunting smile, every little comment seemed designed to rile him up. A logical part of him had figured out that Zack was probably just trying to goad him into performing better, but logic tended to fly out the window during these sessions.

During their last fight, Zack had actually fought him blindfolded. Literally, blind folded. Cloud had expected this would give him a bit of an upper hand, but Zack was still able to predict all his movements.

"It's all about the feel," Zack said. "Instinct and all that. After you practice for a bit, you can tell what your opponent is going to do just by feel."

"Of course. Because I would hate for you to have some kind of disadvantage ordinary mortals could exploit," Cloud had said crankily as Zack had pinned him once again.

"Well….I do have _one _weakness," Zack whispered in his ear. Cloud had just groaned and attempted to pull himself free. Unfortunately, SOLDIER strength plus awkward positioning meant that Cloud wasn't going anywhere.

"That's enough," Zack declared finally, letting him go. "Nice work." He pulled his blindfold off and smiled at the onlookers.

"He's getting good, right?" Zack asked the crowd, Some people smiled and nodded. Most of them were staring at Zack in apparent awe. So maybe not all SOLDIERs could fight blindfolded. That was something of a relief.

"I'm not going to get to practice with you for a whole _month_," said Zack. "That sucks."

"Yeah…" said Cloud, not knowing what else to say. There were people watching them, after all.

"But…before you go, we should have a celebratory evening. To commemorate your new training."

"That sounds suspiciously like a party," said a SOLDIER Cloud didn't know. "You're not planning a party without your comrades, are you?"

"I should probably introduce you, first. Cloud, this is Kunsel. He's a friend of mine from back when we were training. Kunsel, this is my amazing protégée."

"Hey there," said Kunsel, looking at the younger boy with a bemused expression.

"Hey."

"Anyway, I wasn't really planning a party, per say," Zack began.

"Since when have you been against large gatherings of people?" Kunsel interjected. "Besides, it seems like ages since we've caught up!"

Zack looked torn for a second, so Cloud decided to spare him.

"Sounds like fun," he lied gamely. "I've never met your other friends, so it'd be cool."

"In that case, I'll have to gather everyone," Zack said, smiling widely. "You can come around six, okay. You remember how to get to my apartment, right?"

"Yeah," said Cloud.

"Alright then. You should go grab some lunch. I'll get everything organised."

"See you then," said Cloud, leaving the training room.

As he ate lunch and later, during his afternoon practice, he couldn't help but dread the upcoming party. It wasn't that he had anything against Zack's friends, exactly, but it had been a long time since he had been around so many people. Experience had taught him the hard way that he was not a people person.

But he couldn't outright refuse and besides, he felt selfish, claiming so much of Zack's time. It wasn't his decision to make, anyway. He would just go along to the party and try to have a good time. Maybe he might even make a few friends…

Training dragged on extra late that afternoon and on top of that, he had to pack his supplies for the mission. He rushed around frantically, aware that he was already late. 'Some impression I'll make,' he thought. 'I can't even show up on time to a party supposedly in my honour.'

He threw on some casual clothes and ran up to Zack's apartment. He took a moment to steady his breathing and then knocked on the door. A SOLDIER he didn't recognise opened the door, holding a can of beer.

"Hey, Zack, it's that cute little recruit of yours!"

Cloud gaped as he looked around the room. He didn't even know how Zack had managed to cram so many people into his tiny apartment. It shouldn't have been possible. Mostly it was filled with junior SOLDIERs, around Zack's age, but the General was there, too, sitting on his own and glaring at anyone who came near.

'Great,' thought Cloud. 'It's okay. I can handle this. We're all just hanging out, right? This isn't about rank…'

"Come on in!" Zack yelled. "Just ignore Greg, he's had a little too much to drink already."

"Sure thing."

Cloud attempted to push past the crowds, most of whom looked him over with a bemused air. Finally he arrived at where Zack was sitting.

"I'm sorry I'm late," Cloud apologised.

"No problem," Zack replied cheerfully. "You're off-duty, remember? You can be as late as you want."

"I guess," replied Cloud nervously. He reached over and grabbed some pizza, which had been left out on the table.

"Oh, you can't have that," Kunsel. "You didn't pay, after all." Cloud dropped the pizza instantly.

"I'm sorry."

"Just kidding," the SOLIDER said, laughing. "Man, you need to loosen up."

"I'm not surprised he's jumpy," said another one of Zack's friends. "Considering what he goes through during training, he probably thinks all SOLDIERs are sadists."

"I don't think _all _SOLDIERs are sadists," Cloud said shyly. "Just Zack."

For some reason, his inane reply made everyone start laughing again.

"Ouch," Kunsel said. "Maybe you should try being nicer."

"But that's no fun," Zack protested. "If I let him get off easy, it would be boring."

Cloud picked up the pizza he had discarded and began to eat.

"I thought SOLDIERs weren't allowed to eat junk food. Is pizza okay?" Cloud said softly to Zack.

"What was that? Oh, I guess technically we're not supposed to eat pizza, but even Sephiroth breaks the rules on occasion. If we didn't, then we'd be nothing but lab rats. Isn't that right?"

The other SOLDIERs voiced their agreements. Sephiroth turned his head and looked at Zack quizzically.

"Speaking of breaking rules," said Greg, coming over to them. "Aren't you going to offer your friend a drink? That'd help him relax a bit."

"Nope," said Zack. "He's got a mission tomorrow, remember. Besides, I'm not dragging him back to his apartment if he passes out."

"Wow, Zack Fair acting as the voice of reason?" Kunsel exclaimed in mock-horror. "Who would have ever guessed this would happen?"

"It is a little strange," Zack admitted. "But I am responsible for him, as Sephiroth so helpfully reminded me." Sephiroth just raised an eyebrow from where he was sitting.

"I wasn't going to drink it, anyway," Cloud pointed out. "So you don't need to 'look after me'."

"Oooh, somebody's in trouble."

"Yeah, I know," said Zack, ignoring his friend's outburst. "Hell, you're probably a lot more responsible then I am."

"Probably?" someone called. "More like definitely. You remember that time when we got full on wasted, in the slums and you had to call Angeal to pick us up? The look on his face…"

"Yeah, I remember," said Zack. "He made sure I didn't forget it. Though I suppose being puked on by in the middle of the night mustn't have been exactly great for him."

The conversation drifted to their time as cadets and Third Class SOLDIERs. Cloud enjoyed listening to some of the stories but he had nothing to contribute. Mostly he stayed quiet, feeling a little bit out of place.

Finally he excused himself to stand in the hallway. He wondered if he should leave. He had been planning to wait out all the guests, so that he would have some alone time with Zack, but he doubted he would be able to stay awake for that long. It was probably for the best if he left.

"Bored?" Cloud looked up. The General was staring at him.

"Not exactly, sir," Cloud said. Sephiroth smiled slightly.

"This is an informal occasion, Strife. It would be more appropriate if you called me by my name."

"Then you should call me 'Cloud'," he said, feeling as if everything was slightly surreal.

"'Cloud'…That's a strange name." Cloud blushed. Did the General think his name was weird? It wasn't like 'Sephiroth' was a common name, either.

"So, if you're not bored, how are you feeling?" Sephiroth asked abruptly.

"I-I guess I'm tired. And a little out of place."

"Because you're not a SOLDIER?"

"Uh…." Cloud struggled to find an answer. What was with this constant questioning?

"That would be awkward," Sephiroth continued. "Though Zackary assures me that rank doesn't matter at a party, I doubt things are that simple in reality."

"It's not that. It's just that I don't know most of the people here and they don't know me," Cloud explained.

"I guess that would kind of suck." It took Cloud a moment to realise that it hadn't been the General who'd spoken. He turned around to find Zack standing behind him.

"You've been listening the whole time?" asked Cloud, torn between indignation and embarrassment.

"He's only been here for a few moments," Sephiroth said calmly.

They stood around awkwardly, each person waiting for the other to speak first. It was Sephiroth who broke the silence.

"I think I shall leave now," he said curtly. "I will see you in the morning."

Cloud watched as the General walked out before turning back to Zack.

"I'm sorry," both boys said at exactly the same time. Zack laughed while Cloud smiled self-consciously.

"I didn't mean to sound rude. I don't mind you inviting all your friends. This is your party and you can have as many people as you want here," Cloud said before Zack could start talking.

"Yeah, I know. But I wish things had been more enjoyable for you. Hopefully you'll get to know my friends a little better over time."

"Hopefully," Cloud repeated, though he doubted it.

Zack pat his head reassuringly.

"You going to come back with me now?" Zack asked hopefully. "Things are winding down a bit now." Cloud shook his head.

"I should really get some sleep," he said.

"You do look tired," Zack relented. "I guess I won't see you for a while, then. But I promise I'll be here to greet you when you get back."

Cloud shook his head.

"You can't promise that," he said. "If there's an emergency, no, even if Shinra just wants you to leave, you'll have to leave."

"No way," said Zack. "Midgar could burn to the ground and I'd still be here, waiting."

For a moment Cloud could almost imagine it.

"Oy! Zack, where've you snuck off to?" someone called out from the living room.

"Just a sec!" Zack called back.

"Goodnight, chocobo," Zack said, placing a gentle kiss on his forehead.

"'Night," Cloud said. He made his way back towards the door. The other SOLDIERs called out their goodbyes as Cloud left the apartment.

As Cloud walked back to his room, he reflected on how different he was to Zack. Whereas he preferred to be on his own most of the time, Zack surrounded himself with people. Zack was loud, confident and self-assured where Cloud was quiet, shy and insecure.

'It's a wonder he puts up with me at all,' Cloud thought. 'I don't understand what he could possibly like about me.' Cloud decided it didn't matter. Clearly, Zack did like something about him. He made it obvious every moment they were together.

'And in the end, that's the only thing that's important,' Cloud decided as he was getting into bed. 'Even if it does feel like fate is set against us sometimes.'

**This is a little late, I know. Circumstances beyond my control have lead to this delay. Luckily, things are finally looking like they'll return to normal (well, normal for me) so I should have more time to write. Yay. **

**Thank you very much to everyone who has reviewed, favourited and followed **_**In Your Shadow**_**. I hope you're enjoying the story. **


	11. Chapter 11

_Decision_

**Cloud, 22 **

Guilt assailed him when he woke up. The memory of his sorrow-filled conversation with Zack haunted his thoughts. He had completely forgotten about Zack's parents, who had spent six years waiting for news of their son.

They deserved to know the truth. They probably thought that Zack had ignored them for five years before being murdered by a psychopath. Correcting that assumption would not only provide his parents with a measure of comfort; it might make Zack happier, too.

'Assuming you can really see us, anyway.'

"Cloud?" He turned over and opened his eyes. Tifa was lying in bed, looking at him intently. It was fairly late in the morning, Cloud realised. It was strange for Tifa to still be in bed at this time of day.

"Is something the matter?" she asked.

"Not really."

Tifa sighed.

"You're lying. I can always tell when you're worried." Cloud shrugged.

"I was just thinking," he said vaguely.

"About what?"Tifa pressed.

He considered whether he should tell her the truth. She looked so determined to discover what was worrying him, he was pretty sure a lie wouldn't cut it at this point. He got up slowly.

"I was thinking about Zack…And his parents."

Tifa looked startled. She sat up so that she could look into his eyes.

"His parents?" she asked slowly. "Why would you-?"

"We met them, remember?" he asked bitterly. "We didn't tell them what happened, because I couldn't bear to remember and you didn't dare remind me."

"I remember," Tifa said. "But Cloud, you don't understand…"

"I understand perfectly," Cloud said. "I don't blame you for staying silent. You were put in a very difficult situation."

"Then why are you so upset?" Tifa asked.

"Because I should have contacted them sooner. I let myself forget, again."

"Don't be ridiculous," Tifa scolded. "Between Meteor, the rebuilding and everything else that's happened, it's not surprising that one family you barely know slipped your mind."

"That's not good enough," Cloud said angrily. "Zack _died _to save me. No, it's more than that, even. I owe him so much. The least I could do was take a message to his parents." This conversation was rapidly spiralling out of control. He hadn't meant to get so emotional. If they went on for much longer, he might end up revealing things that he never meant to tell her.

He struggled to get his feelings back under control as Tifa thought of what to say.

"If it's bothering you so badly why don't you send them a letter, or call them, or send a messenger?" asked Tifa.

Cloud laughed bitterly.

"It's not that simple," he said. "And I'm not going send Zack's parents a letter." Tifa looked confused for a second, before she realised what he meant.

"Don't you dare," she said. "You've only just recovered, you can't seriously be thinking of leaving?

"It will be a long time before I have a chance like this again," Cloud said. 'It's almost like Zack want me to do this,' he added in his head. 'Maybe that dream had been meant as a message?'

"I don't care," said Tifa. "You think that talking to his parents would change anything? You'll still be caught up in the past, thinking everything is your fault for no good reason! You're just as bad as Vincent, determined to atone for sins you never committed in the first place!"

"I'm not trying to atone," Cloud contradicted her. "I'm trying to do a favour for an old friend."

"He's dead!" Tifa snapped in frustration. "And no matter how much you might wish it, you can't bring him back!"

"I know," he said harshly. "You think I don't know that?"

"Stay here," Tifa begged. "Don't do this to yourself, or to us." He looked into her eyes, seeing the despair in their mahogany depths.

"I'm sorry."

He left her there, packing a few items in a bag. He wasn't quite sure how he was going to get to the other side of the world, let alone all the way to Gongaga, but he was determined to do it. He would start at the WRO headquarters, but if that didn't work…Well, he'd figure out the details later.

He went to walk out of the house but he was stopped by a wide eyed Marlene.

"Cloud! You're back!" Cloud sighed.

"Only for a little bit," he explained. "I needed a rest, but now I have to go again."

Marlene frowned.

"Why?" she asked. "I want to play." Her beseeching eyes looked up at him. In that moment, he wanted to stay, to help her feel loved and welcome.

But he couldn't. In his heart, he had made a promise to the man he had loved. The one person he admired before all others. There was no way he could back down now.

"There's something important I have to do," said Cloud seriously.

"There's always something important for you to do," said Denzel, coming down the stairs. "Aren't we important, too?"

"Of course you are," said Cloud instantly. "I just- this is something I have to do. It's like an obligation."

Denzel looked away, still upset.

"But Tifa said you could stay," Marlene said sadly.

"I know. I'm sorry. We can play later, right?" Marlene pouted and turned away.

"Everyone always says that," he heard her mutter angrily.

"Good luck with whatever you have to do," Denzel said flatly, watching Cloud with guarded eyes.

"Thanks," said Cloud as he turned away. He wanted to apologise again but it would have been meaningless. How many times had he apologised already? Saying 'sorry' didn't mean much. To show you were truly sorry, you had to change, something which he seemed incapable of.

He couldn't stop now. Part of him wanted to – oh, how he wanted to turn around and forget his wild plan – but he couldn't let himself.

'If it was the other way round, I know Zack would do this for me. He was that kind of person,' Cloud thought.

That was one reason, but there was another, more pressing reason. It had less to do with logical thought and more to do with his emotions. Hearing Zack in pain was painful for him too. He wanted to do something to alleviate his sorrow.

When he arrived at the WRO the building was a hive of activity. Surprisingly, Reeve was waiting out in the entrance. When he caught sight of Cloud he rushed towards him, his eyes filled with concern.

"Did you hear?" Reeve asked. "I didn't mean for you to hear, but I suppose it's not impossible that someone could have told you…"

"Told me what?" asked Cloud slowly.

Reeve shifted awkwardly.

"I see that you _weren't _told. I suppose you won't accept it if I tell you it's not your problem?" Cloud shook his head.  
"Just tell me."

"I'm afraid agent Powell suffered a nervous breakdown upon arrival from his latest mission. He's been placed in isolation for now." Cloud looked at Reeve in shook. He couldn't help but remembering Zack holding him in his apartment as he sobbed desperately.

"Alexis?" Cloud asked weakly. "Was it bad?"

"It wasn't good," Reeve said. "He had an…episode….last night. He punched his sister in the face. Judging from his screams he believed he was back in Wutai." Back in Wutai…back where Cloud had incinerated a whole unit before his eyes in desperation. Back where Cloud had ignored him for a whole day afterwards, too consumed in his own issues.

"Can I see him?" Cloud asked.

"It's probably best you don't, for the moment," Reeve said. "Please, don't blame yourself for this. The situation was extraordinarily difficult for all of you. Sometimes incidents like these are to be expected."

"I guess so," Cloud said, even though he didn't believe it. He knew at the time that he had messed up. He knew that Alexis wasn't okay back in the plane. He had even been planning on pulling the boy aside and talking to him for a few moments when they got back, but by then it probably would have been too late anyway.

"If you hadn't heard, what are you doing here?" asked Reeve curiously. "Is there something you needed?"

"I wanted to ask you for a favour," Cloud said.

"If it's in my power to grant you, I'll do it, you know that."

"I want to get to the Western Continent," Cloud said. Reeve frowned.

"Where exactly do you want to go, how many people are you planning on taking and how long do you want to stay?" Reeve asked blandly.

"It sounds like you get asked this kind of thing a lot," Cloud said, feeling kind of sheepish.

"All the time," Reeve admitted exasperatedly. "Fortunately the tec department assures me that they will have transport up and running within the next month. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take."

The honest confession made Cloud feel momentarily guilty, but he pressed on.

"I want to go to Gongaga," he started. Reeve looked puzzled, but he left Cloud continue. "By myself. I only need to be there for a couple of hours, at the most."

"So, let me get this straight; you want me to organise transport to the other side of the world so that you can go to a tiny village in the middle of nowhere for a few hours?"

"More or less," Cloud said, refusing to elaborate.

"I assume you have a good reason for this," Reeve said.

"Yes."

The CEO of the World Restoration Organisation stared at his best employee for a long time. Finally he shrugged.

"If that's what you need…I'll arrange transport for this afternoon."

"This afternoon?" he repeated, incredulous. He had expected Reeve to refuse him outright.

"Would you like me to do it sooner?"

"No, that's fine."

"Be at the landing pad around two o'clock. Please, try not to be late," Reeve said, turning away from Cloud. When Cloud went to agree, Reeve was already out of hearing range.

'Clearly he's busy. I'm surprised he agreed to my request at all.'

On the spur of the moment, he decided to send a message to Tifa. _Leaving this afternoon, will be back very soon _was all that it said. He had no idea what she'd make of it, but at least it would give her something to tell the kids.

He went for a quick walk, grabbing lunch from one of the takeaway stores nearby. Now that he knew he was actually going to be seeing Zack's parents, soon, the reality of the situation caught up with him. He began to walk quicker, his fists tightly clenched.

'What will I say? How much should I tell them?' Doubts plagued him as he waited.

Finally he returned to headquarters. A helicopter was waiting for him when he arrived, a young pilot standing nearby. The pilot gawked at Cloud.

"Wow…Reeve told me I'd be escorting someone important, but he didn't say it would be _you,_" the pilot said excitedly. "My name's Addison Bryant, sir."

"That's nice," said Cloud awkwardly.

Addison smiled broadly.

"This is the helicopter's first time out. It's a trial model, you see. So this is a really big occasion!"

"I guess so."

"It's awesome, right. Here, I'll get everything unlocked. You'll be up the front with me, so we'll have lots of opportunity to talk."

'Oh joy,' he thought to himself sarcastically. He climbed into the passenger seat.

"We're going to stop off at Costa de Sol tonight," said Addison as he began getting the helicopter ready. "Then we'll leave the next morning and get to Gongaga around lunch time."

Cloud let out a tense breath. Addison began to talk excitedly, apparently unaware of Cloud's mental distress.

"I wish we could stay at the beach for longer. I've never been the beach. I've never really been many places, which is why I wanted to be a pilot so badly. I guess you've been heaps of places, right? Saving the world and all."

"Yes," said Cloud flatly.

"That's so cool... I wish I could do something worthwhile. That is why I joined the WRO. Though I suppose flying planes isn't as important as saving the world." Cloud remained silent. Addison began to dejectedly focus on steering.

"We're going to have to stay in the apartments for tonight. Reeve got it all sorted for us. Apparently we can just go to the inn when we're ready and we'll get food and accommodation for the night," Addison said as they descended.

"Sounds good. I've stayed there before. The food's not great, but the beds are nice." 'Nicer then sleeping out in the open, or on a ship, anyway,' Cloud thought drolly.

Addison took this as an invitation to resume their discussion.

"You had to come here?" he asked incredulously.

"It's the only way to get from the West to the East," Cloud explained. "So we came here a few times."

"Of course," said Addison. "I should have remembered that. Did you ever go for a swim? I guess you were too busy…"

"We did, once. Well, not me personally. But everyone wanted to take a break and things weren't as urgent then, so we stopped for a day."

They set the helicopter down. Addison gave the assistants some nervous instructions before he set off with Cloud to the inn.

"I guess even heroes need holidays," Addison said thoughtfully. "It must have been strange, being on the run in a place like this."

"No stranger then everything else," Cloud couldn't help but say.

Talking about his past adventures with Avalanche brought back memories, some welcome and others less so. He could almost picture Aeris, sitting on the beach, an innocent smile lighting up her face. Cloud had chaffed at the delay, but now he could remember the joy that short stop had brought, he understood why it was necessary.

Cloud was jolted out of his thoughts when he arrived at the inn. It was fairly busy, a good sign that things were finally beginning to look up for the economy. When they arrived at the counter he tersely requested to have dinner brought up to the room Reeve had booked for him. This request was accept instantly and they were taken up to their rooms without anyone even asking to verify their identities. Clearly saving the world had some advantages.

Their dinner was eaten in silence. Cloud was too wrapped up in his nervous imaginings and Addison appeared to have finally exhausted himself. It was all the poor boy could do to say 'goodnight' after dinner before he flopped on to bed and fell asleep.

Cloud also retired to bed, but his thought process was too convoluted to allow him to rest easily. This place was full of memories and then there was his final destination to think about, too. Part of him dreaded facing Zack. The SOLDIER would almost certain want some kind of explanation for his actions, but Cloud honestly couldn't think of one. Things which seemed natural to him sounded bizarre when he tried to justify them.

He spent the first half of the night tossing and turning, various scenarios playing through his mind. It was well past midnight when exhaustion finally overpowered him, pulling him into a restless sleep.

_He was kneeling in the church, flowers laid on in front him. The sunlight filtered down from far above, much brighter then he would have expected. The scent of flowers smelt exactly like her. The flower girl of the slums._

_ There were soft footsteps behind him. Too soft, he thought. _

'_Could it be…?' He kept silent and stayed looking straight ahead. _

"_Hello again, Cloud," said a soft, feminine voice. _

"_Hello Aeris," Cloud replied, smiling despite himself. _

_ "Surprised?" she asked cheerfully. _

"_A little," he admitted. "But, I've wanted to talk to you, too." _

"_Even if I'm not Zack?" she asked, her tone still light. _

"_You know, then?" Cloud asked. _

_ "I know _everything_," she replied firmly. "And no, before you asked, I'm not upset. It was me who showed Zack how to return your memories. I couldn't stand to see him so miserable." _

"_Because you love him," Cloud finished remorsefully. _

_ Aeris was quiet for a moment, then she came over and placed her hands on his shoulders. _

"_And because I love you, too," Aeris said gently. "Both of you are wonderful people." That statement only made him feel more guilty. She was a far more accepting then he would have been in her situation, he was sure. _

_ "We're all trying to do what's right," she continued. "In the end, that's all anyone can do." _

"_I think you're a lot better at doing what's right then I am," Cloud commented bitterly. _

"_And you don't give yourself enough credit," Aeris replied. _

_ They remained in companionable silence for a few moments. This was probably the most peaceful he had felt in ages. Then again, it seemed as if the flower girl had a talent for calming the people around her. Even now, the church still contained a lingering scene of peace, as if Aeris's spirit still haunted that place. _

'_Perhaps it does,' he thought. _

_ "Goodbye," Aeris whispered. _

"_Are you going?" asked Cloud despondently. _

"_No. You are." _

_ There was a flash of pure white light. He shielded his eyes as everything faded away and disappeared into nothingness. _

"_Thank you, Aeris." _

**Cloud, 16 **

Cloud woke up feeling irritable. The base at Junon was uncomfortable, messy and generally disorganised. He was sharing a room again, with a group of idiot adolescent boys. They were ever younger then he was and possibly some of the most annoying people had ever met.

He could have tolerated the less-than-ideal conditions if they had been doing something worthwhile. Instead, they were practicing for a stupid parade marking Shinra's anniversary. He'd heard that there'd been a minor security breach a week back, but nothing had happened on his watch.

Overall, there was absolutely no reason for him to be there, rather than at Midgar. Shinra could have pulled out his name out of hat, for all it mattered. He participated in all the drills listlessly, practicing what Zack taught him whenever he had a spare moment

Cloud stirred restless and began to get ready. Thinking of Zack reminded him of just how much he missed the SOLDIER. The daily messages he received may have assuaged some of his worry, but they didn't make up for his continued absence.

Cloud shook his head and left his dorm room. It was time for yet another practice and it would do him no good at all to be thinking about Zack. After all, there was only one more week until they would be reunited. That wasn't too long...

"Still...If you're not waiting at the doors I might literally go crazy,' Cloud thought wryly. "That might hurt my chances of making SOLDIER a bit." He walked up into his designated 'practice zone', waiting for the other thirty-odd people who had been assigned to his group to turn up.

The practices were all very efficient and very Shinra. The infantrymen were grouped in random groups, who practiced the basic drills together with a random group leader. Once a week, they were organised into the full parade and then marched through the streets of Junon. It must have terribly disruptive to the citizens lives, but Shinra wasn't going to stop just because a few citizens were inconvenienced. That wasn't their style.

Cloud waited for the rest of his group to arrive, unsurprised that they were late. Most of them weren't even finished their initial training and they were still arrogantly sure they would all make SOLDIER. When he was annoyed with them, Cloud had been tempted to tell them exactly what the rates of SOLDIER entry were, but he decided not to. They'd think he was being bitter because he hadn't made it to SOLDIER.

Finally the late comers all arrived, looking ruffled.

'They resembled the teenagers on the street more than members of the army,' Cloud thought. 'Surely if Shinra wanted to have a formal parade, they could have gotten people who presented themselves a bit better...'

His temporary superior seemed annoyed at the delay. He was really dedicated to the 'Upkeep of Shinra's Reputation', often declaring they had a special duty to 'Protect the Interests of the Company'. Frankly, Cloud didn't really care about the company all that much. Shinra employed the SOLDIERs, so Cloud had wanted to work there, as simple as that. As for anything else they did, it really wasn't his concern.

Still, he memorised his actions and did what he was told, unlike the others. They called him all sorts of names when they thought he wasn't listening, but it didn't matter to him. He just wanted to get through this as painlessly as possible. If they meant obeying the orders of a pedantic sycophant, then that was what he would do.

By the time he had finished it was well past lunch - they were supposed to get off at twelve, but they had been kept back to get their finishing move 'just right' - and Cloud was entirely fed up with the whole process. Apparently some 'special guests' were arriving to supervise their last practice, but Cloud highly doubted that said guests would give a damn whether their timing was exact or not.

As he was walking to the cafeteria he could swear he felt eyes on the back of his head. The sensation was creepy and he couldn't see anyone who was obviously following. Though, in the crush of people in the halls, it would be incredibly difficult to identify anyone tailing him.

He decided to go somewhere less crowded. If went to a place where he was obviously on his own, it might get his supposed stalker to act and if he was just being paranoid, he could confirm that he wasn't being followed. Hopefully, if there was someone following him they would leave him alone.

When he arrived at a deserted corridor his suspicions were confirmed. He heard footsteps behind him, keeping pace with his own. So whoever was following him wasn't trying to catch up to him and they weren't trying to keep their presence secret. Were they stupid, or just confident?

'Maybe it's just one of the guys, trying to be funny,' Cloud thought. 'I mean, an enemy wouldn't try and grab me personally. So I guess I'll just wait for them to show themselves...' Cloud deliberately slowed down, waiting for his shadow to catch up.

The footsteps increased in volume. Even though he was expecting it, the feel of someone's hand on his shoulder still made him jump.

'It's going to be okay...Whether it is an enemy or just one of those idiot boys, I just need to stay calm. They won't be expecting that.'

"Heh. I didn't think it would be this easy, getting you by yourself," said a familiar voice. Cloud turned around, reeling in shock.

"Zack?" he asked, when he could finally talk. "W-what are you doing here?" The SOLDIER smiled, his grey eyes alight with mischief.

"It was easy enough. Turns out, Shinra wanted a couple of high profile SOLDIERs to commemorate their anniversary. I happened to overhear Sephie grumbling about having to go, so I offered to switch. I don't think the organisers were too happy about that, but I _am _a first Class, even if I'm not famous, so they couldn't carry on too much."

Cloud smiled at him, still unable to believe that he had pulled this off.

"I see..How generous of you," Cloud teased.

"Sephiroth's been so lenient with me, I felt obligated to help him," Zack said with a roguish smile. "It just so happened that you happened to be here, too. A total coincidence."

"A happy coincidence, however," Zack continued when it was obvious Cloud wasn't going to say anything. "Because I get to see my Chocobo-head a whole week earlier than I expected."

It was cheesy line, but it still made Cloud smile slightly. Zack kissed him then, with desperation and longing born of their separation. It was only when Zack let him go that he realised the danger. He looked around, relieved to see that no one was around.

Zack had apparently been oblivious to his momentary concern.

"I got you lunch and everything," he continued, holding up a small brown bag that Cloud hadn't even noticed. "I figured you'd been hungry."

The thought of food made his mouth water. He managed to restrain himself from snatching the bag with difficulty.

"Thank you," he said politely before revealing the sandwich that Zack had bought. He tore into it enthusiastically.

"A bit better?" Zack asked. Cloud nodded. He looked down at his watch.

"I have to go," Cloud said reluctantly. "I have guard duty, two until seven."

"Shame...Maybe when you're done we can have a late night training session?" Cloud went bright red, imaging what said 'training session' might entail. Zack looked at him and smirked.

"I meant combat training, you know," Zack said. "But..."

"Alright," said Cloud quickly. "I guess we could."

"I'll meet you at the cafeteria around seven-fifteen," Zack said.

"See you then," said Cloud, leaving the room. He rushed off to his shift, arriving just on time. He was guarding the elevator on the bottom floor, making sure only Shinra approved officials got in.

He didn't like it down in the main part of Junon. Up in the Shinra base it was clean and everyone seemed friendly. Here, the citizens glared at him as he tried to do his job. Most of them had a poverty stricken look about them, something which Cloud found strange as Junon was considered the 'portal to the Western Continent'. He would have expected the city to receive more traffic and therefore flourish.

'Regardless, it's not like I've done anything to harm them, so they could quit looking at me like I'm evil,' Cloud thought as he waited for his shift finish. Not a single person even approached the elevator during the entire five hours he was on watch. It was rather disheartening.

He went back up to base, heading towards the cafeteria. Zack was waiting for him, as promised. If Cloud didn't know any better he'd think that SOLDIERs were allowed to laze about all day.

"Hey!" Zack yelled eagerly, earning some annoyed glances from the people around him. "You want to grab a bite to eat?"

"Sure," said Cloud when he was a little bit closer. Zack put his arm around the boy in an affectionate embrace.

'Everyone's staring...I hope they don't think this is too weird,' Cloud thought, but he wasn't overly worried. Zack was well known for being overly affectionate and their friendship was old news at Shinra by now.

They ate dinner quickly, managing to get their food quicker because of Zack's rank.

"SOLDIERs are all spoilt," Cloud had said under his breath. Zack laughed.

"Don't complain. That'll be you pretty soon, for sure," Zack had said, giving him a reassuring pat. Cloud smiled, caught up in Zack's unwavering optimism.

As soon as they were done, Zack dragged him to one of the base's small training room. It was not nearly as nice as the one at Midgar, but it was a large, mostly empty space with soft floors, which was all they really needed.

"Alright, I'm going to test whether you've been doing the exercises I've left you. Then after that, we're moving on to sword work." The SOLDIER smiled widely, practically bouncing on the spot. Cloud nodded silently and readied himself. He was determined to prove that he _had _gotten stronger.

From the first strike, Cloud felt the difference in himself. He felt more confident in his ability to strike, more able to block and defend.

'But it's not enough,' he thought ruefully. 'Every time I get better, Zack just fights harder.'

"You _have _been training," Zack said, snapping him out of his brief musing. "But, you'll need to do better than that to make SOLDIER." Cloud scowled, focusing hard on moving faster. He was going to prove himself, no matter what.

"Alright, that's enough," Zack said finally. Cloud stopped, gasping for breath. His arms ached all over, a sign that he would probably bruise in the morning. It certainly wouldn't have been the first time.

Zack retrieved some practice swords from the wall.

"We'll just go over the basics today. I don't want you to be too tired. You wouldn't want to mess up the parade and stain Shinra's honour forever."

"O-okay," said Cloud, still struggling for breath.

Zack had Cloud practice the very basics, going back to his early days as a cadet. Mostly he was still fairly confident with the basic forms, though Zack was constantly correcting for his size and weight, something which his early trainers had never bothered with.

"Angeal taught me all the different fighting styles that are common amongst SOLDIERs. At the time, I thought it was a total waste of time, but it's coming in pretty handy now, right?" There was still a tinge of bitterness in his voice when he talked about his mentor, but it was much less noticeable now then it had been a few weeks prior.

'Hopefully that means he's healing,' Cloud thought.

After they were done moving through the basic form, Zack had him block a few strikes. Every strike that Zack sent him was careful and perfectly controlled. When he was in action, he was truly apart from ordinary men.

By comparison, Cloud felt clumsy and powerless. Even this little exercise was difficult for him to complete. When Zack finished with a friendly, 'Not bad' Cloud felt he couldn't be more wrong.

Cloud didn't say anything, he just put his practice sword away.

"You'll be taking on Sephiroth in no time," Zack said cheerfully.

"I highly doubt that," Cloud said cynically.

"Alright, how about 'you'll be SOLDIER in no time'?"

Cloud just shook his head and went to leave.

"Wait." Cloud turned around. Zack was standing behind him, a look of concern in his eyes. "What?" asked Cloud irritably.

"You're doing fine," Zack said firmly. "Better than I expected."

Those words finally broke through the haze of discouragement.

"Thank you," Cloud replied. "I'm really glad that you're here," he added softly.

"I wouldn't miss this for the world," Zack assured him.

They stood for a moment, just looking at one another. The look in Zack's eyes took his breath away, rendering him mute. He thought that Zack was going to kiss him for a moment, but the SOLDIER turned away instead.

"I should see you tomorrow, at practice," Zack said as he left the room.

Cloud clenched his fists, resisting the temptation to walk after Zack. How he longed to break down all the barriers they had put in place to keep their secret. To pretend for just a moment that there was no consequences.

Cloud headed the opposite direction, back to his room. It was the responsible thing to do, he told himself later when he was lying in bed, trying to sleep. Even if it did hurt.

**Author's Note : I must admit, Aeris's presence was a very last minute decision. As for the whole "loving the both of them" this can be interpreted a couple of different ways and I'm happy for readers to make up their own minds as to exactly how she feels. Either way, she still waited the five years for Zack to get back, just like cannon. The reason for this will be explained shortly.**

**Also, for fans of Cloud/Tifa, this is not meant to be the end of their relationship. Instead, I'm trying to set up the same situation they showed in Advent Children - while there's something between them, Cloud's carrying too much emotional baggage for them to have a healthy relationship. That's my interpretation, anyway. **


	12. Chapter 12

**Confessions**

**Cloud, 22 **

From the moment he woke up, everything seemed to be moving too quickly. Nothing felt quite real, as if he was trapped in yet another dream, waiting to wake up. If only that were true, then maybe he could wake up in a time where Zack was still alive and well.

But wishes do not make reality. As he was flown towards his final destination he was forced to come to terms with this situation. He was going to meet Zack's parents and he would have to tell them everything.

The young pilot had remained mostly quiet during their trip. He had managed to get the helicopter out of base at an early hour and had flown quickly and well to their destination. Had Cloud been paying attention, he might have been impressed.

He was more anxious then he had been before any battle, even against Sephiroth. His heart beat madly in his chest as he gasped for breath. Looking at him, Addison decided that he must be about to face a deadly enemy.

The pilot decided to remain in the helicopter, leaving Cloud to go on alone. Each step he took through the humid jungle felt as if he was wading through mud. This place...It was so familiar. Part of him felt as if he'd come home...

But this wasn't his home. The scattered wooden houses which looked as if they belonged to the wilderness as much as the trees themselves could not have been more different to the squat, stone houses of his home town. The cheerful demeanour of the few people wandering around was completely different to the bitter indifference the harsh mountain life bred.

It was important for him to remember that, in order to keep a firm hold on his reality. Especially now, that he was going to face Zack's parents. He _must _remain in control, or he wouldn't be able to get through this.

Wandering through the village, he knew exactly what path to take to get to their house. The path he followed led further towards the back of the village, to what he imagined were the cheaper houses.

It was easy, almost too easy, for him to pick out their house. Even though he had only stayed there once, he was entirely confident that this was the house where Zack had grown up and where his parents still lived.

It looked as if it had been a happy place, once. It had been painted a cheery blue colour and various plants had once grown around it. Now the paint had faded and chipped and the garden had become a tangle of weeds.

His heart felt heavy in his chest as he knocked on the door. Fear had been replaced with sadness as he looked upon the broken house. There was silence for a few moments.

"Just a sec!" a woman yelled frantically, as he was about to leave.

Cloud waited as the door was opened. The woman waiting at the door looked so thin and frail Cloud wondered if she would snap in half. Her round face was lined with worry and her chestnut hair was fading to grey. It was her eyes, though, that truly grabbed Cloud's attention.

'Grey...just like_ his_ must have been before he joined SOLDIER.' They were filled with a desperate hope that broke his heart.

"Oh," she gasped. "I remember you. Is there something you needed?"

"You're Mrs. Fair, right?" he asked, though he was pretty sure he knew the answer.

"Yes, I am," she confirmed.

"I'm here to talk to you about your son," Cloud said. Her eyes widened to the point where Cloud was worried she would faint.

"Please, come in," she said shakily. "Coby - uh, my husband, is also inside. He should hear this too."

Cloud was taken inside. The furnishings were plain, but the walls were covered in pictures. Everywhere he looked, there were pictures of a very young looking Zack, usually with a wide smile on his face.

Cloud forced himself to look away from the photos. Mr. Fair was sitting down on the couch, his eyes grave. He had a slightly squarer jaw then his son but otherwise there was a strong family resemblance.

"Abigail, what's going on?" he asked, looking first at his wife and then at their unexpected guest.

"He has news about Zack. Finally, after so many years of waiting," she said. Coby looked again at Cloud and bowed his head.

"Abigail," he murmured. "You need to stay calm. I don't think...this is the news we've been waiting for."

She bit her lip, the excitement gone. She looked carefully at Cloud, seeing the pain and confusion in his eyes. She sank down onto the couch in despair.

"My baby...He can't be..."

"I'm sorry," said Cloud, choking on the lump in his throat.

Abigail began to cry. Her husband put his arms around her and let her sob on his shoulder. Cloud looked away, trying to give the couple the privacy they deserved. His eyes found a picture of baby-Zack being held lovingly by his mother, his father standing protectively behind the two of them.

'The perfect family,' Cloud thought.

"Please...How did it happen?" asked Abigail finally. "I need to know." Cloud turned around.

"When did you lose contact with him?" Cloud asked.

"Six and a half years ago," Mrs. Fair answered instantly. "He sent us a letter. I began to get worried after about three months. He always was sending us letters..." she trailed off, holding back more tears.

Cloud nodded solemnly.

"The reason he didn't send you letters was because he couldn't. He had been captured by a scientist who was officially working for Shinra. He considered himself the 'creator' of SOLDIERs and took special pride in Sephiroth, who was his 'special experiment'."

"It was this scientist who was partly responsible for Sephiroth's descent into madness. Shinra covered the incident up, but Sephiroth actually went insane six and a half years ago. If not for Zack, Sephiroth would have threatened us five years sooner."

"They fought?" Abigail asked. "Does that mean Sephiroth was able to track him down, then? Or did the scientist give Zack to that monster?"

"Neither," Cloud answered. "At the end of their battle, Zack was half dead...A, uh, friend of his found him and was able to eventually throw Sephiroth to his supposed death, but not without a price. The scientist discovered them, both on the verge of death, and took them into his custody."

He stayed silent for a moment, struggling to contain the rage and horror which warred within him whenever he thought about Hojo. The couple watched him with fearful eyes.

"For five years Hojo used them, trying to clone Sephiroth. He was unsuccessful. Zack proved to be resistant to his treatments and he was able to escape, taking his friend with him. Shinra, wanting to cover up their involvement with human experimentation, tried to track him down. Hunted and carrying his friend, who was nothing but a burden to him, he still managed to get all the way across this continent to the East."

"Wait, that was when we were contacted by that turk," Coby said angrily. "She must have known all along."

"Possibly," said Cloud. "All I know is that Zack was within sight of Midgar when Shinra found him for the last time. They cornered him with an entire army...He nearly managed to defeat them all, too, but in the end they overwhelmed him."

He could remember that day so well now. _The scent of blood, the scattered corpses, Zack lying among them, Zack talking so slowly, saying words Cloud couldn't understand, Zack closing his eyes for the last time..._A chill ran down his spine.

"But his friend lived," Cloud said finally. "He woke up and he was able to get to Midgar in safety. Zack died a hero's death, despite the wrongs that Shinra committed against him."

"How do you know all this?" Coby asked sharply. "Did you find this 'friend'?"

"I am that friend," Cloud corrected him. " I owe Zack more then I can possibly explain."

"But how?" asked Abigail. "If that was you, why didn't you tell us the first time?"

"I should have, but I didn't remember what happened," Cloud said. "When I woke up...I was a mess. The mako poisoning left me a half-person, with only a couple of memories."

"It's a shame," said Coby. "If he had another SOLDIER beside him, perhaps Shinra would have learnt their lesson." Cloud laughed bitterly.

"I wasn't SOLDIER. I thought I was. All I knew was that I was carrying a SOLDIERs sword, and wearing a SOLDIER's uniform, so I thought I had to have been one, but being a SOLDIER is about much more than equipment."

"He gave you his sword?" Abigail asked, sounding confused.

"It was meant to be like a legacy, something he could pass down to me," said Cloud. "But I took things too far. He asked me to live for him, but I tried to _become _him instead. Only I could have never been half the man your son was and I should have never tried!"

He was taken by surprise when Abigail stood up and hugged him.

"You did your best," she said. "And I'm grateful that you were there with him. At the end..." Her voice faltered as she choked back a sob.

"Thanks to you, we know the truth," said Coby in a shaky voice. "No more false hope, no more waiting for a miracle." Cloud didn't think this was necessarily a good thing, but he stayed quiet.

Abigail let him go.

"I want to show you something before you leave," she said. She disappeared for a moment, arriving later with a handful of paper. She handed him one of the papers. It was yellowed with age and worn thin. He took it, holding it delicately.

It was a letter from Zack, he realised in shock. His hands shook slightly as he read it.

_How are things going? Better then here, I imagine. I really haven't got much to do, given as Shinra won't be sending me on missions for a little while...But at least that's given me time to spend with my friends and Aeris. _

_ Speaking of, I made a new friend. He's quiet and shy but really determined, too. He's still in the infantry, but that makes sense 'cause he's pretty young. He looks really delicate but he's surprisingly good out on the field. He wants to be SOLDIER, too and I'm pretty sure he'll make it. Especially as I'm going to be helping him along the way. _

_ Anyway, it'll be a while until I'm able to get back home again. I've been missing your food like crazy though, not to mention the weather here is awful...It's SO cold, I hate it..._

Cloud looked up.

"That was you he was talking about, right?" she asked. Cloud nodded.

"Yeah," said Cloud stiffly.

"Please, keep them," Abigail said, pushing the letters towards him.

"I couldn't," said Cloud.

"Abi, honey, are you sure?" asked Coby.

Abigail looked at both of them firmly.

"I want to," she said. "I've read over them so many times...They're not going to bring him back, though. They just hurt me, but maybe you can learn something from them."

"Thank you," said Cloud reverently.

"It is those who worked for Shinra who should be sorry, those people who knew about these atrocities and did nothing," said Coby bitterly.

"I-I should go," said Cloud. "If you want to contact me, just ring the WRO headquaters. They will give you my details."

"I'll walk you out," said Abigail. Her husband gave her a sharp look.

"Sure," said Cloud.

They walked along the quiet forest path. Even the village seemed darker and more sombre, as if it was mourning for its lost son too. The sky was on the verge of rain, leaving the tree-covered village shrouded in darkness.

"I wanted to ask you something," said Abigail. "I know my husband wouldn't approve, so I had to wait until he wasn't listening."

"Uh.." Cloud had a feeling he knew where this was going.

"The way you talk about Zack...I couldn't help but wonder if you had feelings for him?"

"Yeah," said Cloud eventually. "But it doesn't really matter, now, does it?"

"I just wanted to know," said Abigail. "I thought it might be nicer for him, somehow. Were you seeing each other?"

"...Yes."

"Oh...Then he died to protect the one he loved."

"I suppose," said Cloud, still unable to look at her. If he had to see her eyes one more time, he would probably lose it.

"I want to thank you," she continued. "I know that you made him very happy. A mother can tell these things, you know."

This comment was innocent, but for some reason it made him cry.

"I hope so," Cloud said through his tears. Cloud looked up. Mrs. Fair was crying too, but she was smiling at him at the same time.

"Please take care," she said. "I wouldn't want anything to happen to you. I think that would upset him."

"I will," said Cloud. "Make sure you take care of yourselves, too."

Abigail walked away but Cloud remained. He leaned by a tree and cried until there were no more tears to cry. The tears had left him feeling empty. He took a final look at the village.

"You were wrong," he said out loud. "They never gave up hope. I don't think they could, until they knew for sure." Then he turned away for good. He was pretty sure he would never go back.

When Addison saw him approach he did a double take.

"Did something happen?" he asked. Cloud shook his head.

"I had to tell a couple their son had died in the line of duty," Cloud said flatly.

"Oh," said the young pilot, looking ashamed. "Did you know him personally?"

"He was my friend."

Addison turned away awkwardly and started the helicopter. Cloud climbed in, looking anywhere but at the village he was leaving behind. They sat in silence. Every so often Cloud would flick through the letters he had been given, but he would always stop when he realised what he was doing.

"We're going straight to Edge," Addison announced eventually. "It's so early, we don't need to make a stop. With the time difference, we should make it just before dark."

"Okay."

'Should I go home, then?' Cloud mused. 'Would Tifa even let me in? She can't really stop me...I am on the contract, so technically I partly-own her bar.' Cloud sighed. It wouldn't be that easy. She had been very upset when he left. He doubted that she'd cooled down in the two days he'd been gone. She hadn't even sent him a message.

The flight seemed to go on forever. It seemed like an eternity passed before they touched down at the WRO headquarters. Addison said a cheery fair-well.

"I hope to work with you again, sir," he said as Cloud worked away.

"I'm sure you will," Cloud assured him tiredly.

He walked away, towards Seventh Heaven. At the end of the day he didn't have anywhere else to go. He walked through the door, only to be roughly grabbed by an enraged Barret.

"You've got some nerve, Spike. Showing up here after you made my Tifa cry!"

"Let me go," Cloud snapped angrily. He had never liked being held, something which had only intensified after his five years in captivity. Barret pushed him away so that his head hit the wall. Cloud winced in pain.

"This is my house, too," Cloud pointed out, struggling to keep himself from lashing out. He didn't want to hurt Barret too badly, but it had been a hard day and he was already close to losing it.

"You'd better bloody well apologise," Barret stated.

"I already have," Cloud said. "I'm back, aren't I? I wasn't even gone that long."

"Yeah, well...You need to get your f-ing priorities straight."

"You're one to talk," Cloud said angrily, pushing past him and walking up the stairs.

He noticed that Tifa had moved her stuff out of his room. Was she really serious about this? He didn't want their relationship to degrade like this, but he wasn't sure how to fix it.

'And doesn't she have a point? I can't give her the dedication she so obviously wants.'

But...she had always been there. After Sephiroth had been defeated, when everything still looked hopeless, she had been there. She had seen him at his worst and accepted him completely. She had stayed by his side when he was sick with mako poisoning - the second time, that was.

'It should be so easy to love her,' Cloud thought. 'It was, once, back when we were teenagers. But I've changed since then. We both have.' He sighed. He was hungry, but he didn't want to face Tifa in the kitchen. She must still be angry at him.

He sighed and got ready for bed. He looked down at the letters he had been given. A part of him wanted to read them all, but there was something he had to do first.

He lay still in bed and waited for sleep to take him at last. He would deal with everything else in the morning.

_ Cloud was sitting in a tree-house. It was a childish construct, having only three proper 'walls' and a very shody looking roof. He appeared to be in someone's backyard, but it was dark, so he couldn't so whose it was. _

_'If this was real, I bet this would crumble under my weight,' Cloud thought. 'Though given the violent nature of these dreams, I wouldn't be surprised if that happened anyway.' _

_"I thought these dreams were all places I had been," Cloud said aloud to whoever was listening._

_ "Not necessarily," Zack replied from behind him. "I was thinking about home still, I guess." _

_"I can understand that," Cloud said. "You were watching, weren't you?" _

_"Of course," Zack replied. "I knew you would like my folks. And now they know the truth. So I guess I can 'rest in peace' and all that." _

_ Cloud laughed dryly. _

_"I can't imagine that," he said. "You, resting in peace?" _

_"Well...I'm too busy stalking you and all...But I do appreciate it, none the less." Cloud shook his head. _

_ "I'm glad. There's just something I wanted to ask." _

_"Then ask away." _

_"Would you mind if I read those letters? I know your mum gave them to me and all, but I don't know, it feels like an invasion of privacy." _

_ "You can read them, if you want. They're not very interesting, anyway," said Zack. _

_"Thank you," said Cloud. _

_"I'm the one who should be grateful, doofus." _

_ He looked out at the night sky. The darkness seemed to engulf him, until everything had faded away and there was just him, travelling to an unknown destination. _

**Cloud, 16 **

Cloud woke up on the day of the parade feeling glad it was his last day at Junon. Zack turning up had briefly bettered the situation, although since that first night things had been a little more awkward than usual.

In the end, it didn't really matter because Zack had been busy chasing down some terrorist cell most of the time. He hadn't seen the SOLDIER for a good four days now.

'How typical,' Cloud thought bitterly as he got up. He had very little time to get ready. If he ended up being late to the parade he knew he'd catch it. Even Zack's read-made excuses wouldn't be enough to get him out of that kind of trouble.

Luckily he was able to make it in plenty of time. He kept his eye out for Zack, but wasn't able to see him anywhere. That was hardly surprising, though. They would have the SOLDIERs way out the front.

Cloud was a little surprised they were using SOLDIERs at all, considering all the grief Zack had said Shinra was giving them. He supposed that Shinra wouldn't care about their previous reservations if they thought they could get more publicity by using them. Shinra really were unscrupulous in their use of their own personnel.

Their group leader got them all into order. Cloud followed the directives exactly, personally thinking he could do these moves in his sleep. After practicing them for a whole month, they were permanently fixed in his brain. Trust Shinra to value parade moves over combat skills.

They began to move in a large procession. The music they had was really loud, he wouldn't be surprised if they could hear it all through the city. It annoyed him but he moved on, making sure to keep perfectly in time.

As he was walking he heard the two boys behind him begin to talk.

"Hey, apparently the General's here," one of them said. "I heard the Sergeant talking about it before we got ready."

"What, why would he be here? I thought he was busy."

"Dunno. Though rumour has it he's filling in for the Lieutenant."

Cloud struggled to remain silent. Filling in? Where _was_ Zack? He seemed to have disappeared off the face of the planet...

'Don't be ridiculous,' he told himself. 'If Zack was seriously hurt we would be told...right?' Still the doubts wouldn't go away. By the time the parade had stopped Cloud was a nervous wreck. His worst fears were only confirmed when he saw Sephiroth at the podium, standing beside the President, with Zack nowhere in sight.

He listened to the pro-Shinra speeches without hearing them. All he could think of was the fact that Zack was supposed to be there and he wasn't. He couldn't bear the suspense. He wanted to leave the parade right then, but with so many people around him that wasn't possible.

As the parade finished he kept a close eye on Sephiroth. He knew that they would be transported back to base soon, but he should have a couple of hours. That would be enough to verify Zack's location.

When they were allowed to leave he followed Sephiroth, trailing the General until he finally caught up. Sephiroth turned around.

"What do you want, Strife?" he asked, sounding vaguely irritated. Cloud shuffled nervously.

"Please, sir, I was wondering where the Lieutenant is. He was supposed to be taking your place, but he wasn't there and..."

"I understand," said the General, cutting him off. "You are right to be concerned. Zackary was injured during a routine mission. He's been in hospital for three days."

"Three days?" Cloud repeated incredulously.

"He was in quite a bad condition when he arrived," Sephiroth explained calmly. "I believe he is somewhat better now."

"Is it possible for me to see him, sir?" Cloud asked timidly. He expected the General to turn him down.

"As you wish. I was going to see him now. You may accompany me, if you like." Cloud nodded eagerly and followed after Sephiroth as he began to walk to the hospital.

The staff were eager to please their famous guest. They were taken straight to Zack's ward, despite the fact that there was a sign clearly stating that it was a 'rest' period for all the patients.

'No wonder Zack wants to be a hero,' Cloud thought to himself. 'If they get treated like this all the time.'

Sephiroth gestured at Cloud to wait for a moment.

"I'd like to talk to him privately," he explained before walking into the ward. Cloud waited impatiently outside, wondering what they could possibly be talking about.

Finally the General reappeared and told him he could come in. Cloud walked in nervously. Zack was waiting for him on the hospital bed, looking a little paler then usual but otherwise fine. He was sitting up and already fidgeting.

"Hey there," said Zack. "You know, Sephiroth probably made this seem a bit worse than it actually was. Really, I could have been out yesterday. Doctors are so damn fussy when it comes to releasing patients." Zack gave him his best innocent look.

"He didn't say what happened," Cloud said pointedly.

"Alright then," said Zack. "Well, it's not really that big a deal."

"Then you wouldn't mind explaining," said Cloud, feeling annoyed. Did Zack really think he could be hospitalised for three days and Cloud wouldn't worry?

"He's just embarrassed, I believe," Sephiroth explained helpfully. "It's not often a First Class gets taken down be a civilian. I think he was hoping you wouldn't find out."

Cloud gave Zack an incredulous look.

"You really thought I wouldn't find out?" he asked. "I mean, how were you going to explain where you were for those three days?"

"I had an excuse all thought out and everything."

Cloud shook his head.

"Fine, I'll tell you," said Zack. "We finally found the terrorists and I was supposed to go in and disable them. It should have been easy, but their leader threatened to blow up the main base. Turned out he was bluffing, but the distraction was enough so that they could hit knock me out."

"How did you get out, then?" Cloud pressed. This made Sephiroth chuckle.

"The turks had to come to his rescue. It's a poor day for SOLDIER when their elite need Turk assistance. If not for them, he probably would have died."

Cloud's eyes widened.

"Died?" he asked slowly.

"I would not," Zack protested. "Now you're just being melodramatic."

"I'm being truthful," Sephiroth said. "Unlike some people."

Zack glared at the General before turning back to Cloud.

"These things happen," he said. "It's not exactly the first time I've ended up in hospital."

"Yeah, but..."

"It seems you're perfectly fine now, anyway," Sephiroth announced, cutting the infantry man off. "You'll be needed back at headquarters as soon as the doctor releases you. I'll be waiting for you in the helicopter." He turned and walked out of the ward.

"See you then," Zack called out to the General's retreating back.

Cloud wanted to voice his concerns, to press for details and to demand that Zack be more careful in the future, but he didn't. Zack was SOLDIER. He was going to be injured and he was going to risk dying. That was just how things were.

He settled for a curt, "Tell me where you are, next time."

"Sure thing." They looked at each other for a moment, words left unsaid hanging in the air between them.

"You'll have to go soon, right?" Zack asked, abruptly changing the topic. Cloud nodded.

"The truck leaves in about an hour," he said.

"Hmm...I bet I'll still manage to get back before you. That means I'll fulfil my promise after all."

Cloud looked at him blankly.

"Remember? I promised I'd be waiting for you at the door."

"Seeing as you've been here for a week, I don't think it's exactly relevant," Cloud said.

"Sure it is. A promise is a promise. Besides, you're the one who said I couldn't keep it. So I proved your wrong."

"Good for you," said Cloud sourly, still in a bad mood. "What do you want, a cookie?"

"Nope," said Zack slowly, smiling slightly. "I want you to go out on a date with me."

"That's not possible. At least, not where anyone could recognise us," Cloud pointed out.

"Well, fine. You can still come and grab lunch with me," said Zack, sounding a little put out. "That's good enough, right?" There was something in his tone which made Cloud think he was talking about more than a date.

He didn't have to think about the answer.

"Yeah," he replied. "Spending time with you when you're not trying to kill me is always good."

"When have I ever tried to kill you?" Zack asked indignantly.

"During those torture sessions you call training," Cloud said, smiling slightly.

"You know, I'm pretty sure you enjoy them, seeing as you're always coming back for more," Zack pointed out.

"Well, people say you have to a be a little insane to join SOLDIER," Cloud said.

"I've never heard anyone say that," Zack said.

"They wouldn't say it to your face, obviously."

"Yeah, I guess not," Zack said, sighing dramatically.

They exchanged a look and began to laugh. The tension which had built up between them eased. Just then, one of the doctors walked in.

"I should go," said Cloud, avoiding the curious gaze of the doctor.

"Yeah, alright. Take care."

Cloud turned away to go. If he didn't hurry up, he was going to catch it later. He had a feeling that the two days travel from Junon to Midgar was going to drag terribly... Especially when he knew Zack would be back and waiting for him.

'As long as he's not called out for a mission...or somehow injured on the way home,' Cloud thought wryly. 'Maybe things could just work out, for once.'

**Author's Note : I read another story recently where Cloud goes to visit Zack's parents, **_**Fondness**_** by **_**skibaloveskink**_**. I was actually mid-way through writing this chapter at the time...I hope it doesn't seem like I stole the idea or anything. At least I know I'm not the only one disturbed by how long the poor couple had to wait for news of their son :(**

**I'm currently halfway through Crisis Core. I think I love it even more the second time through :) I was very happy when Zack offered to take Cloud out for lunch, even if it seems like they never got the chance. That whole scene was so cute...If only Hojo and Jenova had left them alone -sighs-.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Holding On **

**Cloud, 22 **

He woke up later than usual, feeling groggy. He groaned and rolled out of bed, in desperate need of some form of caffeine.

He made his way to the kitchen and put the kettle on. It was quiet for once, so he figured the kids must be out. He wasn't quite sure whether they should be at school or not, because he didn't know what day of the week it was.

"Barrett's taken the kids out," Tifa said as she came down the stairs, her voice icy. Cloud turned around, looking at her blearily.

"I guess...that makes sense," said Cloud. Tifa didn't even bother replying to his inane comment.

Cloud turned away and made his coffee. It was bitter and otherwise flavourless - decent coffee being a luxury item in Edge - but it helped wake him up, so he wasn't going to complain.

Tifa watched him the whole time. Her constant, silent presence was beginning to put him on edge.

"Is there something you wanted?" he asked curtly. Tifa shook her head.

"Do I need a reason to be in my house? I, unlike you, tend to spend a lot time here," Tifa snapped back. Cloud shrugged, privately stunned. Tifa had never yelled at him before.

"I thought you might like to talk," Cloud explained.

"There's not anything left for me to say," said Tifa helplessly, abruptly shedding her harsh demeanour.

"I suppose not."

They stared at each other, both wondering how to dispel the tension which seemed to have sprung up overnight. There was a barrier between them, intangible but still very obviously there.

Tifa sighed and turned away.

"I have business things to take care of," she said, walking to her office. Cloud nodded an acknowledgement before making himself a scant breakfast.

When he was done, he walked back up into his room. His brief, disappointing discussion with Tifa faded from his mind when he picked up the letters. It was a thick pile, dating back from Zack's very first years in Shinra, when he was barely more than a child, to the last one his parents ever received.

Cloud picked up the first one, smiling slightly when he noticed just how messy the writing was. There were smudges and various unidentifiable stains all over the paper.

_I'm finally here,_ Zack had written, _and it's seriously awesome. I promise you'd I'd write, but there's nothing for you to worry about. The food's fine, the people are cool and I'm having a great time. I could live without the constant lecturing (it's so hard to keep quiet when other people are talking and it always seems to upset them when I whisper even the teeniest bit!) but otherwise I'm doing great. I'm gonna work really hard and make SOLDIER for sure..._

Cloud shook his head, privately comparing the letter to his own experiences as part of the Shinra military. He had actually seriously considered leaving, but his determination to become stronger and eventually make SOLDIER had kept him going. Just.

As he read more, he became engrossed in the letters. Even Zack's enduring bravado and confidence couldn't quite disguise his lack of experience when he had first started Shinra. Cloud had known him a First Class, an elite SOLDIER. He been in awe of his skills since the moment they'd met.

He hadn't known, for example, that Zack had completely messed up his first virtual reality training exercise, managing to accidently set it so high he'd needed four SOLDIERs to bail him out. Or that he'd managed to set the walls on fire the first time he'd used a materia when they were supposed to be aiming in the complete opposite direction...

The idea of Zack making mistakes, of him struggling to master techniques ,would have seemed ludicrous to his sixteen year old self. He had thought that Zack was naturaly gifted, but it seemed as if it had been determination, rather than genetics, which had let him succeed in fulfilling his dream.

Cloud read on. Certain parts would make him smile, others were so _Zack _that he wanted to cry. All throughout, he felt as if Zack was close by, as if he would start speaking to him soon, just like in the dreams.

"Cloud?" he jolted upright. Denzel was staring at him, looking slightly confused.  
"Tifa didn't tell us you got back," he said. "It's, uh, nice to see you."

"Yeah," said Cloud, still preoccupied. "Did you have fun at the park?"

"I guess so," he said unenthusiastically.

Cloud frowned slightly. There was something wrong with the boy, he was sure, but he couldn't put his finger on it. He seemed too listless, especially for a child.

"Is there something you'd rather do?" asked Cloud. Denzel shook his head.  
"I'm not feeling that great," he explained.

"Make sure to rest, then."

"Alright," said Denzel, leaving the doorway. Cloud returned to reading about Zack's entrance to SOLDIER. He had been ecstatic back then about finally joining the ranks of the elite and determined to go further.

"You fulfilled your dreams eventually...But it cost you everything...It doesn't seem worth it."

He felt so very near, now. It hurt to imagine him, watching over their world but unable to interact with them in anyway. It hurt so much, to think that this cheerful boy with a heart full of dreams had been abducted three years later and died five years after that.

He could almost hear Zack's voice, repeating phrases from the letter. _"I'm going to be a hero, mom. Just like Sephiroth. No, better!", "I want to impress Angeal. I want show him that I can make it, too. He tells me to follow my dreams and then tells me I'll never make Second, let alone First. It's confusing... But I'll get him to acknowledge me one day.", "I overdid it a bit again...Now Angeal's saying I can't train for two days while I recover. I'm fine, I just know it. Honestly, he worries too much..." _

Cloud thrust the letters away from him angrily. He clenched his fists and sat dead still, his heavy breathing the only sound in the otherwise silent room.

"It's not _fair," _he said bitterly. "You should have lived. You deserved better."

"Nothing's fair, ever. I woulda thought you'd figured that out by now." Cloud looked up and glared at the figure at his door.

"What do you want, Barrett?" asked Cloud tiredly.

"For you to stop moping. You've been squirreled in your room all day, doin' who knows what."

Cloud wanted to angrily reply that Barrett had no about what he was going through, but a sudden realisation stilled his tongue and quieted the anger which threatened to overwhelm him. He wasn't the only one to lose a loved one to Shinra. He wasn't the only one who still considered themselves partly responsible.

"It's not that late," Cloud said.

"It's five thirty and you're still in your pyjamas," Barrett, said, his voice oddly flat. Cloud shrugged. What did it matter?

"Jus' get down here."

Cloud stood up and unwillingly followed him downstairs. The bar was already open for business, but there were only a handful of customers. Things wouldn't start getting busy until later, for the dinner trade and then later for the people who were trying to drink themselves into oblivion.

Tifa was therefore left pretty much unoccupied, her only task to keep an eye on Marlene, who insisted on coming into the bar with her.

"There's my two favourite girls!" Barrett calls out loudly, earning some annoyed looks from people trying eat their dinner in peace. Marlene giggled loudly and Tifa smiled at him slightly, even though her eyes were firmly fixed on Cloud.

"I can grab you some dinner if you like, before things get busy?" Cloud nodded, because she was obviously asking him and not Barrett, despite the fact that he was the one that had insisted they come down.

Marlene began to babble about her day at the park, with Cloud adding the occasional 'yes', 'oh' or nod where appropriate. It is only when she made a request that he was forced to pay proper attention.

"Could we grow a garden?" she asked. "Just a little one?"

"Marlene," Tifa scolded harshly. "I told you not to bring that up..." She put their dinners on the bench.

"Why?" the little girl asked. "You said Cloud was busy, but he's not. So he can help me make a garden, right?"

There was an awkward silence as everyone stared at Cloud.

"It sounds like a nice idea. I don't know if I'll be too good with plants, though, but I guess I can try," said Cloud, trying to ignore the pointed stares. Marlene went to say something but Tifa cut her off with a sharp, "Dinner time, Marlene." The girl gave her guardian a mutinous glare but started eating her dinner.

"I should really serve some other customers," said Tifa, moving away from them. Cloud nodded and began to eat, still thinking about the garden that Marlene wanted to grow. It would be a flower garden, he thought. Edge still didn't have a lot of flowers, as its residents were too busy focusing on survival to worry about beautification. He was sure that Aeris wouldn't approve...

When Marlene finished her dinner Barrett took her up to his room, tersely commanding Cloud to stay put. He continued to eat his dinner, occasionally morosely looking up the stairs. Why was he supposed to stay here, again? Tifa was avoiding him, though whether that was because she was still mad at him or because she was honestly busy he wasn't sure.

Finally the older man returned.

"You look you need a drink," he said.

"Trust me, it's the last thing I need right now," he said darkly.

"Well, s-t, you look like you need _something," _

There was a heavy silence, punctuated only by the sounds of groups of rambunctious friends drinking away their troubles.

"You need to let yourself live," Barrett continued awkwardly. "I know, right, how tempting it can be to jus' let go, but it's not right. That kind of thing isn't health for anyone. Not you, not Tifa and definitely not the kids."

"I know," said Cloud. "But...I just need some time to sort things out." Which was possibly the understatement of the century but also completely true.

"Yeah, well...Just hurry up and get things sorted. You're making people worry," Barrett said gruffly. Cloud looked up at Tifa despite himself, their eyes meeting for a moment before he looked away.

Barrett called her over and ordered a beer.

"I's all about being proactive, get it?" Barrett said as he began to drink. "If you're just passing the days away, then what's the point?"

"..." Cloud didn't have an answer to that. Then again, few people claimed to know the meaning of life.

"It was Marlene who helped me realise that. Gotta have a purpose, see?"

No, he didn't see, not really. Just having a purpose wasn't enough to stop you from feeling miserable.

"I guess."

"Family helps. That, an' your friends. It's important to hold them close. To know who's got your back."

"..."

"Like Tifa. She's been watching you for what, seven months now? That's dedication. Now, I know it's tempting to punish yourself, to think you don't deserve anyone but that's jus' not true. And 'sides, Aeris wouldn't be the sort of person to hold anything against you."

"I'm sure she wouldn't," said Cloud, feeling more and more uncomfortable.

Barrett leaned over and clapped him on the shoulder.

"There, you see? Everything's going to be fine." Cloud shrugged and got up.

"I'm going to bed. I'll see you in the morning."

"The night's still young..." Cloud turned away in an obvious refusal of then invitation.

He took a long, hot shower, trying to wash away all the tensions of the day. Some holiday this was turning out to be. By the time he got back to work he was going to be more tense than ever.

He lay on his bed, finally able to smile. These dreams were the light in his dark life, echoes of a better time. Sometimes, he wished he could go to sleep and never wake up...

_He was sitting on a train, one of the old ones which had circled Midgar. When he turned his head, he could see the old city in all its glory. There was a subtle aura of menace about it, something about the green lights of the mako reactors glinting off dark steel which made it seem unwholesome and dangerous. _

_ The carriage appeared to be deserted, but still he spoke his question aloud. _

_"Where are we going?" he asked. _

_"We're on a train to nowhere," Zack replied cheerfully from behind him. _

_"Where are we, anyway?" _

_"Midgar, near sector five, around seven years in the past." _

_"That's not what I meant," said Cloud. _

_ There was a brief silence. _

_"I can't tell you that." _

_"Can I guess?" asked Cloud. "Would you tell me if I guess correctly?"_

_"...Maybe." _

_ It wasn't a definitive answer, but Cloud decided to go ahead anyway. _

_"I'm torn between two answers," Cloud admitted. "The fact that you're here and that Aeris can come here, too, seems to indicate we're in the life stream. And yet, I'm still alive. The other alternative is that you're able to somehow manipulate my thoughts to create this place..." _

_ "I don't think that would be possible," said Zack. "The dead aren't supposed to interfere with the living like that." _

_"And bringing me to the lifestream doesn't count as interference?" _

_"Well...Seeing as you've been here before, and all the mako and other...stuff...it kind of works. Aeris explained it better, but I can't remember now." _

_ "That makes sense, I guess. It was how I regained my memories the first time," said Cloud. _

_"Exactly. Don't worry about it too much. All you need to know is that it's safe and it works." The train stopped suddenly and the door opened. _

_"Looks like it's your stop," Zack said. "Have fun." _

_ Cloud stood up and approached the door. The station was so dark, he couldn't make it out, even with his mako-enhanced vision. 'A train to nowhere,' he thought. He took a step outside..._

**Cloud, 16 **

The blonde infantryman stumbled out of the train, wondering what he hated more, unsympathetic co-workers or motion sickness. They were both bad in their own special ways, though as he parted company from said workers he decided that motion sickness was definitely worse.

Two days worth of travelling, two days with immature idiots who decided it would be a good idea to try and gross him out to see if he would throw up...luckily for him - and everyone else in the car - he hadn't, mostly because he'd been avoiding eating where possible.

Right now all he wanted was a lie down, but there was the matter of the 'date that wasn't' that he said he would go on. If it was at all physically possible Zack would be waiting for him down at the entrance and Cloud really hated to turn him down, especially after what had happened.

He walked through the Shinra entrance and there was Zack, waiting for him just like he'd promised.

"You're too slow," Zack whined. "Everyone else got here ages ago!"

"Ugg..."

"Not feeling too well, huh?" Zack asked, abruptly sympathetic. Cloud nodded, wincing as his head began to spin unpleasantly.

"I guess you don't feel like lunch, then?" The older boy sounded so despondent, it made Cloud feel slightly guilty.

"Not really."

Zack's face fell for a moment, before being replaced by a grin.

"Well, if we can't go out...Why don't you come to my place?" Cloud managed a small smile in return.

"Sure."

Zack went to help him walk but the younger boy pushed him away.

"I can walk," said Cloud irritably, not wanting to seem weak in front of everyone at Shinra.

"Alright then," Zack replied, holding his arms up in front of him in a mock surrender.

They made their way slowly up to Zack's apartment. The minute they arrived Cloud lay on the couch and shut his eyes, cursing once again the bad fortune that left him susceptible to motion sickness.

"Here, try this...It might make you feel a little better," said Zack. Cloud opened his eyes. Zack was standing beside him, holding a glass full of some miscellaneous yellow liquid.

"I'd rather not," said Cloud. Who knew what it was?

"I'll do you good. Trust me..."

Cloud made a face. It didn't look like it would do him any good. Zack sighed.

"Either you drink it, or I'll pour it on you. Your choice." Cloud glared, but took the cup. Luckily for him, it was just a sports drink of some kind. It was too sweet for his taste, but he couldn't deny that it was refreshing and, more importantly, didn't make him feel sick.

"Better?" Zack asked.

"A little," Cloud admitted. He sat up slightly so that Zack could join him on the couch.

"Do you always get this sick, after travelling?" Zack asked curiously.

"Not always," Cloud replied. "But mostly, yeah."

The SOLDIER looked at him sympathetically.

"That must make life hard for you during missions," he said. Cloud shrugged.

"I do my best," he said. "If I can't be relied upon to do whatever Shinra needs, I'll never make SOLDIER."

"You know, I've heard that mako treatments can help fix motion sickness, as well as other stuff. It fixed my allergies right up."

Cloud sighed.

"What doesn't mako do?"

"I thought that would cheer you up," Zack said. "A light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak."

"I guess so," Cloud said evasively, his mouth pressed together tightly.

He felt a sharp tug as Zack began to pull on his hair.

"Quit it," Cloud said irritably.

"Not until you tell me what's wrong," Zack said.

"Nothing's wrong," said Cloud.

"You're lying," Zack said in a tone reminiscent of a very young child. "I can tell."

"I'm not," Cloud replied. "It just..."

"Just?"

"Just seems like nothing's going to go well for me until I make SOLDIER, and that could take forever."

Zack stopped pulling on his hair, giving the younger boy a slightly confused look.

"So you don't want to focus too much on being SOLDIER?" he asked.

"No...I don't know," Cloud replied.

"I think I get it," said Zack. "We can just enjoy the moment, right? As well as having dreams?"

"Sounds good," said Cloud hesitantly. Zack smiled at him and hopped off the couch. Cloud watched him as the older boy rifled around his cupboards before finally holding out a thick plastic box.

"Check it out," said Zack.

Cloud gave him a blank look.

"It's a box," he said, which made Zack laugh.

"I guess they don't have games consoles in Nibelheim, then," he said. "How backwater."

"Some people had them," Cloud said defensively. "But we didn't." His mother didn't make anywhere near enough money for them to spend it on trivial items.

"Oh. Well, I bought this ages ago, but hardly ever use it. Maybe we could give it a go?"

"If you like," said Cloud. He watched impassively as Zack began to hook the consol up to his TV. The SOLDIER handed Cloud a controller before flopping back onto the couch.

As the game started up, Cloud noted with amusement that the object of the game was for the characters to beat each other up.

"Don't you get enough fighting in the real world?" Cloud asked as he struggled to master the controls.

"But it's funny because it's fake," Zack protested. "I have more games if you don't want to play this one, though."

"No, it's fine," said Cloud, privately thinking he was having enough trouble learning the controls without Zack changing games all the time.

Initially the learning process was quite frustrating and Cloud was ready to give the whole process up as stupid and unrealistic when he finally beat Zack. He couldn't help crying out in excited delight.

"Looks like you've finally got the controls figured out. It only took you twelve games."

"You're just a sore loser," Cloud retorted.

"Just pointing out the obvious."

They competed fiercely for the next few hours, changing from the fighting game to a racing one when Cloud finally got bored. During the course of the game Zack had managed to find some chips, hidden at the back of his cupboard - Cloud shuddered to think how long they'd been there - which were only slightly stale. Cloud hadn't really wanted to eat anything else, so they had been able to avoid leaving the apartment for food.

"I should really go," Cloud announced around nine o'clock.

"Do you have to be somewhere?" Zack asked, his face downcast.

"Not until tomorrow afternoon," Cloud replied automatically. "But it's late, I should really get to bed."

Zack smiled suggestively.

"You don't have to leave," he pointed out. "I wouldn't mind if you stayed and I'm pretty sure no one else would notice. Even if they did, I can just say you feel asleep on the couch."

Cloud's breath caught. The implications of that statement was obvious. Even if he had some lingering fears, the way Zack was looking at him, his blue-green eyes filled with desire and his mouth quirked in one of his amazing smiles, erased them like mist in the summer sun.

"You don't have to, if you don't want," Zack continued, mistaking Cloud's silence for nerves. "I'm not going to be mad, or anything like that. I get it if you're not ready..." Cloud interrupted him with a kiss.

"Trust me...I've been waiting for this, too."

**Author's Note : I'm sorry for the slow update times. Given the whole holiday session thing I've been a little bit busy. If you're interested in the details, you can check out my livejournal (there's a link on my profile). Lack of time means this has been a bit rushed and I'm not exactly happy with the ending, so I hope it's still okay...**

**I've tried to keep this chapter within the 'T' rating, hence the filtering of the swear words and the lack of 'lemon' at the end of this chapter.**

Thank you to everyone who's reviewed, favorited and read this story. I hope you all have happy holidays :D 


	14. Chapter 14

**Parting **

**Cloud, 22**

When he first opened his eyes in the morning, he was honestly confused when he saw the room he was in wasn't Zack's apartment. It took him a few heartbreaking moments to realise exactly where he was and what was happening.

He rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. At least he knew what was happening now, more or less. So Aeris had found a way for his soul to visit the life stream at night, safely? It was like they were in a 'safe zone' of the lifestream, free from the interference of the other souls which also existed there.

Cloud knew from personal experience just how damaging time spent in the mako environment could be. He didn't know if it was the same for the dead, but for the living creatures which encountered pure mako it would corrupt their bodies and scramble their identities, until they lost all sense of self...

He shuddered. He had to remind himself that Aeris supposedly caused all this and she was not the sort of person that would risk him getting hurt or psychologically damaged. However these memories were being shown to him, it was clear that he was not in immediate danger of losing all sense of self.

'I could lose my mind, though,' Cloud thought drolly. 'Trying to live two lives." He shook his head. That wasn't even the worst part. The worst part was when he was conscious in the lifestream, because then Zack was so close. It should have been a blessing to have that opportunity, but the closeness only highlighted the distance between them. They would never be together again, they had lost that chance one and a half years ago.

He got up and went downstairs. Tifa and the kids were sitting down eating breakfast, but Barrett was nowhere to be seen.

'Either he's left really early, or he's hung over and doesn't want to get up,' Cloud thought. 'I bet it's the latter.'

Marlene perked up instantly when she caught sight of Cloud.

"You need to get ready quickly, so we can make a garden," she scolded him.

"Alright, then." Cloud grabbed himself some breakfast and sat next to the kids.

"Where are you going to get flowers?" Tifa asked.

"Uh..." Cloud trailed off. He had never been into gardening and really knew nothing about plants (other than the fact that they didn't like being squished, which he had learnt courtesy of Aeris).

"Why don't you try the grocery store?" Tifa asked, finally taking pity on him. "I think people are starting to import flowers. If you can't get any, they will definitely have vegetables."

"I don't want to grow vegetables!" Marlene protested.

"At least they're more practical then _flowers," _Denzel responded irritably. He looked tired and grumpy, generally out of sorts. It was beginning to worry Cloud. What could possibly be wrong with the boy?

Tifa broke up the argument and told both of them to get ready. Cloud finished his breakfast and showered. The little girl was ready long before he was and she decided to skip around the front door while singing, 'I'm going to make a garden!' until Cloud came down and dragged her outside.

The walk to the shops was fortunately brief. Cloud might have enjoyed the young girl's presence in his house and felt attached to her, but she certainly was a handful to deal with when she became overly enthusiastic.

The small seed section at the back of the grocery store left her agog, staring at all the different pictures on the box.

"We need lots of pink ones," she instructed, picking them off the shelf. Cloud quickly looked at the instructions on the packets, determining which ones might actually stand a chance of growing.

"Do you think she'll see them?" Marlene asked as they put the seeds through the check out.

"I'm sure she will," he replied gently. The girl smiled, accepting the seeds gravely and holding them close to her body like a mother with a newborn child.

'There was something so innocent about her, it reminded Cloud of Aeris in a way. Regardless of the chaos of this world, they remained somehow able to smile, their faces untainted by bitterness or despair.

When they arrived home Cloud had to figure out how he was going to go about actually creating the flower bed. Luckily, they still had some of the tools left over from the rebuilding, which he was able to use to construct a small garden, complete with a little wooden 'fence' to keep people from stepping on the flowers.

He was just about to start putting in the seeds when Tifa emerged from the kitchen. She stared at the developing garden, holding a platter of sandwiches.

"You did all this in a morning?" Tifa asked incredulously.

"Yes," Cloud replied seriously. "Marlene was keen to get started."

Tifa sighed and smiled at the girl.

"I guess you'll need a break, then," she said. "You've got to be hungry, right?"

"Yup!" The sandwiches were passed around. Even Denzel came out of the house and ate lunch with them, out in the sunshine.

"Can I have a look at the seeds?" Tifa asked. Cloud nodded and past them over. Tifa scanned through them quickly, a nostalgic look in her eyes.

"I never thought about putting a garden in," Tifa mused. "Somehow, it never seemed like we had enough time."

"It's a way to show we're settled," Cloud agreed. "And that things are going to be different this time."

It was a tribute, too, but neither of them had to say it. He knew that Aeris would appreciate their efforts. He could imagine her watching them from the lifestream, a smile on her face.

Cloud read the instructions on the back carefully. He even got a tape measure to make sure he was following the directions exactly. Tifa laughed at him and bent down to help, while Marlene 'supervised'.

"Do you think they'll grow?" asked Cloud, inspecting their handy work.

"With all the hard work you put into them, I'm sure they'll turn out fine," Tifa replied. Her smile was genuine and the tension which had built up between them finally seemed to slacken a little.

"Of course they'll grow! They're going to be the prettiest flowers ever!" Marlene added enthusiastically.

They walked back inside to where Barrett and Denzel were waiting for them. The older man picked up his adoptive daughter and gave her a big hug.

"I have to leave again," he told her. "But I'm nearly finished, I promise. We've nearly found everything we need."

"...Okay. When you're gone, I'll look after the flowers real good, so you can see them when you get back."

"Of course you will," Barrett responded gruffly. "I bet they'll be beautiful."

Cloud watched them both, feeling oddly detached from the moment.

"See you," Barrett said. "You take good care of Marlene and Spike, 'kay?" Cloud ducked his head as Tifa laughed and assured him she would.

"You had a good time, right?" Tifa asked.

"Uh...yeah," said Cloud. "But I don't think I'm very good at gardening." Tifa rolled her eyes.

"That's not the point."

No, of course that wasn't the point. The point was that they'd spent time together and that Marlene was happy. He understood and he was happy that they were happy. As for himself...he couldn't quite forget what was missing. No, who was missing.

He forced a smile.

"I hope you had a good time, too," Cloud said.

"Yup," she replied. "But I need to get back to work. I'll cook us a quick dinner, but then I've got to open the bar."

"Can I help?" Marlene asked.  
"Sure," Tifa replied, though Cloud was sure that the young girl would be less of a help and more of a hindrance.

'Tifa looks much happier,' Cloud thought. 'Is that because of me? Do I really have so much power over her?' It was a disturbing thought. He had never really thought about how she felt about him. He'd only really realised that she'd had feelings for him at all after Meteor. In his head, he'd always been the one desperate to impress her, not the other way round.

'I went to Shinra to impress Tifa and ended up finding Zack. How ironic. But I don't regret that at all. If I had my time again...What would I do?' Cloud shook his head. That wasn't going to happen anytime soon, so why think about it?

Dinner was served and unlike normal Tifa ate with them. She sent the two kids up to bed but asked Cloud to stay with her for a while.

"I just wanted to talk for a moment," she said apologetically, knowing Cloud's hatred of loud places.

"That's fine."

She opened up the bar and served the first early customers before returning to Cloud.

"I just wanted to say, that I think I was wrong about what I said before," she said when she returned. "I really appreciate that you're making the effort for us."

"You don' t have to thank me," said Cloud awkwardly.

Tifa blushed slightly.

"I didn't want you to think I'd given up on you, that's all," she said. "I was very emotional, but I wasn't thinking straight. Regardless of that, I'll always feel the same way about you."

"I understand, but I think we should take things slowly. For both our sakes."

Tifa looked disappointed, but still she managed a smile.

"Alright then," she said. "If that's really what you want."

"Yeah." He looked away. Tifa gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before hurrying off to serve more customers.

Cloud went upstairs, helped put the kids to bed and then finally went to his room. The discussion he had with Tifa had made him nervous. He had come so close to explaining the truth, but in the end he'd hesitated.

He cursed and decided to get ready for bed. He wasn't sure he would ever be ready to return the feelings Tifa held for him, but standing around thinking about it wasn't necessarily going to clear things up. He just hoped that Zack could understand...

_ He was standing in the snow, on top of the Shinra building. He looked down to the ground below him, illuminated by the mako-lights. From so far up, it almost looked beautiful, especially in the snow. _

_ "I feel like this is the end," Cloud said sadly, looking out at the city. A hand grabbed his wrist firmly. _

_"Yeah," Zack replied. "After this, you'll have your memories." _

_"So there would be no reason for me to come back here," Cloud said bitterly. _

_"I guess not," Zack replied. "You can just go on living your life, now." _

_ "I love you," Cloud said suddenly. "I'm sorry I forgot." _

_"I love you too," Zack replied easily. "And I'm sorry I can't be there with you." _

_"You...that's not your fault," Cloud pointed out. "That's just fate." _

_"Doesn't stop me from being sorry, isn't that right, Cloud?" _

_"I guess not," Cloud admitted. "But I was still too weak..."_

_"Exactly." _

_ "How is it that this all feels so real?" Cloud asked. _

_"To be honest, I have no idea," Zack replied sheepishly. "Whenever I'm with you, I feel like myself, not just a part of the lifestream...It's weird." _

_ They stayed silent for a moment, both dreading the inevitable separation. _

_"Cloud, close your eyes for a second." Cloud obeyed, feeling a brief sense of vertigo until Zack held onto him. The brunette spun him around until they were face to face. _

_ "Take care of yourself,' Zack whispered, kissing him lightly. It was barely a peck, so soft that Cloud wondered if he really felt it at all. _

_ All of the sudden, Zack's hold on him loosened and he stumbled backwards. There was a brief jolting sensation as his foot lost contact with the concrete and then he was falling. He opened his eyes and looked at the ledge but there was no one there. _

_'Maybe he was never there at all,' Cloud thought as he fell. 'Maybe I really am just going insane.' _

_ He continued to fall, but he didn't land, he just kept on falling, until he wasn't sure which way he was falling, or if he was moving at all. _

**Cloud, 16 **

Cloud woke up after yet another exhausting day. A state of emergency had been declared by Shinra, meaning that all military personnel - up to and including SOLDIERs - were being worked overtime. The Genesis clones were causing serious damage to every single part of the world, meaning even Shinra's large army were having problems dealing with the threat.

Cloud had been stuck at Midgar, fighting off the threat in and around Shinra, while Zack had been sent off to who-knows-where. He'd just come back today, but now Cloud was supposed to be going on a mission with the General to one of the outlying reactors. He didn't know whether Zack would be coming too, but he figured the odds of Shinra sending out their two best SOLDIERs was low, to say the least.

'Well, I won't know until I get there,' Cloud thought. He got ready carefully, wanting to appear neat before the General. Not only was the man his hero, but the more he got to know him, the more Cloud respected him on a personal basis.

When the infantry man walked in, Sephiroth was already deep on conversation with a masked SOLDIER. Cloud waited on the threshold of the room, unsure as to whether he would be welcome.

"So, he's gone to visit the girl, then?" Sephiroth asked, sounding oddly amused.

"Yes, sir," the SOLDIER replied. "After all, he could be gone for ages. It's only fair enough that he'd want to visit her now, before he leaves." Cloud recognised his voice. It was Kunsel, one of Zack's friends.

"He visits her a lot," the General mused.

"Yeah, well, they're pretty close," said Kunsel, his voice suggestive.

Cloud sighed softly to himself. He was pretty sure who they were talking about and, while he was happy that Zack was coming on the mission, he was not so delighted by what Kunsel was insinuating.

While he knew rumours about Aeris and Zack were still floating around Shinra, he trusted the SOLDIER when he said they were just good friends. Sometimes, though, Cloud wished he'd put an end to the speculation.

Another infantryman approached the door.

"I can't believe we're being sent out with Sephiroth," he whispered. "This must be pretty serious."

"I guess so," Cloud replied. He couldn't imagine that he'd be first choice for any difficult mission, but then again he would probably just be watching the two big, bad SOLDIERs doing their job while he stood on the side-lines.

"Are you going to come inside?" the General asked, turning towards the door.

"Yes, sir," both the infantrymen called. They walked inside and saluted.

"I'd better get going, sir," Kunsel said to Sephiroth. "Good luck with your mission."

"We're just waiting on Lieutenant Fair, then," Sephiroth said, a hint of irony in his voice. Cloud shook his head slightly. He contemplated warning the SOLDIER, but decided not to. Probably, any well meaning message he sent would be promptly ignored.

It was a good twenty minutes before he finally appeared, looking a little sheepish.

"You're here, then," said Sephiroth dryly.

"Yeah...So, where are we going, anyway?"

"Nibelheim," Sephiroth replied. Cloud nearly cried out in surprise. He had never imagined in his wildest dreams that he would be called out on a mission to his hometown.

Zack walked over to him.

"Together again, huh?" he said gently. Cloud smiled nervously.

"I guess so," he replied, but he was distracted by thoughts of homecoming.

The trip to Junon seemed to stretch on forever. Zack tried to make conversation, talking non-stop through the truck ride, but Cloud was too preoccupied to respond. He sat by the window, taking his helmet off so the cool breeze could dispel some of the discomfort he normally felt while travelling.

When they arrived they were expected to get on the boat which was waiting for them in the harbour. Shinra had delayed the boat especially for them. The apparent hurry was beginning to make Cloud nervous. Was the situation really that dire?

Night had fallen by the time they departed the shore. It was a calm, clear night and the stars were just visible through the layer of haze. The moon shone brightly, illuminating a silver path through the black waves.

The others elected to retire to their bunks, but Cloud remained by on the deck, looking out at the ocean. He was too wound up to sleep and even if he was feeling tired, he knew from personal experience that the rocking motion of the boat was far more noxious below decks, where he couldn't see the water.

Standing alone in the dark reminded him of another night, two years ago and of a promise whispered in the darkness, witnessed by the stars. He could not honour that promise yet, he knew, and the knowledge shamed him. To walk into Nibelheim, surrounded by heroes, would be mortifying.

If only he'd been given a little more time. With the way he was progressing, he might, just maybe, have been able to make it into SOLDIER. While it wouldn't be as good as returning a hero, it might have been enough, at least for now.

He sighed. Regardless of his position, it would be obvious that he was nothing compared to Sephiroth or Zack. A liability, or dead weight at the very best. He didn't even understand why he'd been ordered to come.

"You know, it's nearly eleven o'clock," Zack called out, startling from his reflections. "You should probably get some sleep, or else risk the disapproval of the great General himself." The last was said in a vaguely sarcastic tone, but Cloud nodded anyway.

"I'll come in soon," he said.

"You look worried. Isn't going home a good thing?" Zack asked. Cloud shrugged.

"Yeah, I guess. I just thought it would different."

"Nothing seems to be going the way it should anymore." Cloud looked up at the older boy, frowning slightly.

"Is something the matter?" he asked, but he already knew the answer.

"I don't know. I just wish things would turn out simple, for once. Everything's so complicated, these days." Cloud remained silent, waiting for Zack to get to the point.

"These clones don't make any sense. Theoretically, none of them should exist, because the originals are dead..."

'The originals? So he's not just talking about Genesis?'

"I thought the theory was that Genesis was still alive," Cloud pointed out. "It makes more sense that way."

"It does," Zack agreed. "But it makes everything harder, too."

Cloud didn't understand. He wished the SOLDIER would start making sense.

"Because it means you still have to deal with Genesis?" he asked.

"Yeah. And it means I have to wonder about Angeal, too. I saw one of his clones today. Looked more like a monster then anything, but it protected Aeris and I...Just like he would have..."

"Oh," the younger boy said simply. "But..." He trailed off, not wanting to say the harsh words which instantly came to mind.

"Yeah, I get it," Zack said, also skirting around the bitter truth. "Still, sometimes I feel like he's still out there, watching over me."

"You think?" Cloud asked. He was a little sceptical, but he hadn't been the one to see the elite SOLDIER die, or to see the clone. It was not his call to make.

"Maybe," Zack replied. "Well, anyway, Aeris seems pretty found of the clone. She thinks it's sweet."

"That's nice," said Cloud neutrally. He knew it was irrational, but he didn't like it when Zack talked about her.

"You should really meet her sometime," Zack added, but Cloud shook his head.

"Wouldn't that be a little awkward?" If he felt uncomfortable with the fact that Zack had seen Aeris before they'd gotten together, surely the girl would resent Cloud for 'stealing' her boyfriend.

"Uh...she doesn't know about us," Zack said quietly.

"Oh." Of course she didn't.

"She might have told someone," Zack added. "And I didn't want to upset her..."

"It's fine," Cloud said with a shrug. He was used to these kind of compromises and while it wasn't exactly great, he could deal with it.

Zack looked up at the sky for a second and Cloud wondered if he was a little embarrassed.

'Or maybe he's thinking about Angeal?' Cloud wondered sadly.

"Check it out...You can make a chocobo out of the stars." Cloud blinked at looked at the older boy incredulously.

"Are you for real?" Cloud asked.

"Can't you see it?"

Cloud began to laugh, which only made Zack more defensive.

"I'll show you," he said, slowly pointing a random shape in the sky which, in Cloud's eyes, looked nothing like a chocobo.

"Do you see it now?"

"Not really," Cloud admitted.

"Ah, that's too bad," said Zack forlornly, but his smile belied the sadness in his voice. "Let's see what else I can find..."

Just like that, the aura of despair which seemed so cloying a moment ago had been dispelled. Hope began to blossom in his heart. No matter what difficulties they encountered, they would be together.

"I love you," Cloud whispered so softly it was nearly lost in the wind. Zack turned towards him, grinning widely.

"I love you too," Zack said. He was about to say something else, but The SOLDIER was interrupted by a gentle cough from behind.

Both boys turned around suddenly, face to face with their General. Cloud tensed, hardly able to breathe. They had as good as confessed to breaking several iron-clad restrictions.

"How long have you been out here?" Zack asked, looking torn between fear and defiance.

"For a while," Sephiroth replied vaguely. "For a First Class, your detection skills leave much to be desired."

Zack scowled slightly, standing so that he was between Cloud and Sephiroth.

"So? What happens now?" he asked. Cloud looked away in shame, disbelieving. Would it really be his hero who condemned him?

"You go back to bed. We disembark at 6:00 tomorrow, arrive at Nibelheim at approximately 16:00. We investigate the source of the disturbance, then hopefully we depart shortly afterwards," the General said blandly.

"And after that?" Zack asked warily.

"I'm unaware of any future missions, Zackary," Sephiroth replied. His voice was deadpan, but his eyes glinted with amusement at the predicament the two boys were in.

"Yeah, of course you wouldn't," Zack said, sounding a little confused.

Cloud let out the breath he'd been holding. He was quicker on the uptake then Zack, apparently, who was regarding Sephiroth seriously.

"We should get to bed, now," Cloud said gently, nudging the older boy slightly. Sephiroth nodded and left.

"That was lucky," Cloud whispered. "If he had been anyone else..." He didn't need to finish the sentence. They were both well aware of the consequences their illicit relationship would have for both of them.

"Yeah," said Zack. "It's nice to know that some people are on our side, right?" Cloud nodded, still a little shaken. He managed a small smile.

When they snuck into the room Sephiroth was already asleep, silver hair tangled haphazardly around his lithe figure. His face had relaxed, freed from the pressures which the world had placed on him. Cloud smiled at his hero.

"Thank you," he whispered softly, before climbing into his bunk.

**Author's Note : Believe it or not, I'm actually not done yet, so if you've realised I haven't explained everything, please don't worry. Next chapter will be the big finale...I'm hoping what happens will be surprising, though if you want to guess by all means go ahead. **

**I'm sorry this is late. I wanted it out for new years, but events conspired against me...And now my teeth hurt, because I've gone and gotten a cavity, plus my wisdom teeth are coming through **

**:( But I will finish this story, hopefully soon. Thank you again to everyone reading, reviewing and favoriting. I really appreciate the feedback and I hope everyone is still enjoying this. **


	15. Chapter 15

_Past and Present _

**Cloud, 22**

The day after the last dream, he went to Reeve and demanded to go back to work. The CEO had been unsurprised and eventually decided to grant the request. He was far too busy to argue and there was more than enough work to do.

There had been an increase in the monsters spawned by the mako waste which filled the ruins of Midgar. Reeve had ignored the problem for as long as Edge could afford, but now population levels were reaching the point where they would threaten the city, unless someone took care of them.

He threw himself into battle that day, killing everything that came across his path. Reeve had sent out alone that day, knowing somehow that today, of all days, he could not stand the company.

The stench of blood and mako which filled the Midgarian slums was so very familiar to him, as much a part of his life as the scent of snow and pine. It stuck to his clothes, infecting his hair and his skin. When he eventually trudged home, late that night, it infected his home, refusing the leave him even after he'd showered.

He'd lain in bed that night, trying to sleep, but deep sleep had eluded him. He slept in fits and bursts, never quite going under altogether, haunted by memories of what was and dreams of what could never be. He hadn't known it was possible to long for someone so much, for their absence to hurt so much, until the day he realised he was never, ever going to speak with Zack again.

The days seemed to drag on and on, devoid of joy or comfort. He'd starting working longer and longer hours, wearing himself out to the point of exhaustion, only to find he still couldn't sleep.

He began to avoid Tifa where ever possible. He could feel her chill disappointment, but it was better that way then to have to be close to her and feel like he was betraying Zack every time she touched him.

Besides which, she would only fret about him. He knew he was beginning to look ill, the affects of not getting any sleep obvious to everyone around him. After a week, desperation won over pride and he went to WRO clinic.

The doctor who'd been able to see him had been very young, trained just before the Meteor crisis. She had gasped slightly when Cloud had walked into her clinic, seemingly awestruck by the hero.

"W-what can I do for you?" she asked, smoothing her uniform.

"I can't sleep," Cloud said, regarding the young woman with bleary eyes. "You have pills for that, right?"

"Uh...yes," the doctor said. "But, you know, it's better to diagnose the problem before medicating it. I could give you a referral to see a psychiatrist, maybe?"

"I don't have time," Cloud said impatiently.

"O-okay. But these pills can just make things worse in the long run. You can addicted, you know."

"It's fine," Cloud insisted. "I've had worse."

The doctor considered him for a few moments before printing off a script.

"I think you need this, but I'd still like it if you saw a specialist," she said, handing it over.

"Yeah, thanks," Cloud said reflexively. He walked out of the clinic and went into the only chemist in Edge. It was nearly empty that time of night, so he was able to get his script filled quickly.

'This has to work,' he thought desperately. 'I can't go on like this.' He stumbled home to the warmth of Seventh Heaven, wishing he could go straight to bed but acknowledging that he needed food first.

He opened the door and walked in. He swore he caught a glimpse of someone in SOLDIER uniform when he walked in, sprawled casually on one of the tables, but when he turned around there was no one there.

At this time of night, the bar was nearly deserted. The only people who remained were the no hopers, the people who didn't want to go back to their homes, who were trying to starve off the cold and the pain for just a little bit longer. They were the regulars, the ones with no place else to go.

Cloud shook his head and walked over to the bar. Tifa caught sight of him and quickly fetched his dinner.

"Cloud?"

"Hnh.."

"How was your day?"

Cloud looked up from his food, meeting her concerned hazel eyes.

"Fine," he said, wishing that he was telling the truth.

"That's good. You know, Denzel's thinking of joining the new martial arts club at his school. Hopefully he'll make some friends."

"That's nice..."

There was a long silence where Cloud was purely focused on eating, finding even that relatively easy task was requiring all the cognitive skills he had left. He could almost hear Zack's voice, mocking him.

_"Can you imagine what people would say if they knew the so-called Hero couldn't even eat without spilling food all over themselves? They'd probably piss themselves laughing, is my guess." _

"Yeah, they probably would," Cloud responded aloud.

"What?" Tifa asked.

"Nothing," Cloud replied, abandoning his dinner. "Thank you, Tifa." He could feel her eyes on his back as he walked up the stairs, but he tried to shrug it off. He opened the packet of pills.

He took one and was unsurprised when, after fifteen minutes, there was no noticeable affect. He continued using them, one by one, until finally he felt a thick darkness rolling over him, pulling him under.

'Finally,' he thought as he collapsed, a small smile gracing his face.

_ The smell hit him first, acid choking his throat. Then there was the chill of cold metal on his back and the bright light flooding his eyes. If he listened he could hear the breathing of someone else in the room. His heartbeat began to speed up when he realised just where he was. Half forgotten memories surfaced and for a moment he could smell blood and feel the liquid fire burning through his veins..._

_ 'Just a nightmare,' he told himself sternly. As he began to calm down, he realised that something wasn't quite right. Everything was too vivid and his thought process was too clear and focused. _

_ Hope began to blossom as he realised that this reminded him of being in the lifestream. If that was true, then perhaps he would be able to find out the way to cure Geostigma after all... _

_ 'I wonder though...It doesn't make any sense,' Cloud thought. 'Why here, in this place of all places?' Why would any ally want to take him back here, to the place which made him feel numb with terror just thinking about it? How was it helpful?_

_ "I know you're awake, Strife," an all too familiar voice said, startling Cloud into opening his eyes. Sephiroth was standing above him, studying him intently. _

_"It's been such a long time since I've seen you," he continued. "When I saw what the ancient girl had done, I decided it was my turn to visit you." _

_ His tone and manner were so gentle, Cloud was reminded of the man he had admired, the one who had treated him with kindness and friendship._

_"How?" Cloud asked warily. He struggled against the restraints which he knew were in place, to no avail. _

_ "It was easy enough," Sephiroth replied. He picked up one of the scalpels - it looked far more horrifying then anything Cloud had actually experienced and that was saying something - and ran his finger delicately down the blade, looking curiously at the blood which oozed out of the wound. _

_ "How?" Cloud repeated firmly. _

_"Do you really not know? Did Fair not even bother to explain?" Sephiroth asked, his lips curling into a wicked smirk. Cloud tensed. It was clear, now, that Sephiroth had not regained his sanity after death. _

_ "This place is a part of you, little puppet. Your very own piece of the lifestream. Normally, no one would be able to access it, but your ancient changed all that. She created a connection, just a tiny one, which would work while you were asleep." _

_"But that was just so I could contact Zack," Cloud pointed out. "This 'connection' you're talking about must have closed." He wondered how much his old enemy would tell him and how much of it would be truthful. _

_ "Once it was created, it could not be undone completely. It was a small link, only allowing those with a connection with you to access this place. Fair was one such person, but the connection between us is much stronger. Mother binds her sons together, after all." _

_ The thought made Cloud feel sick. _

_"Of course," he said despondently. "I'm surprised you'd bother to be truthful with me." _

_"Why bother lying? I want you to be able to understand just what I can do." _

_"You can't hurt me here, not really. I remember, nothing really hurts here, not properly anyway. You're dead, Sephiroth and you can't change that." _

_ "You're nearly right, little puppet, but then again you're wrong too. All of your experiences are remembered within the lifestream, in one way or another. All I have to do is remember with you." Cloud shuddered, realising just what Sephiroth intended to do. _

_ Sephiroth snickered at the blonde. _

_"You are, after all, the one who insisted you had emotions," he pointed out. "I am going to use them to break you, little puppet." _

_ The world went black again and Cloud screamed, crying out for Zack and Aeris, hoping they would hear him and rescue him from the hell which he'd inadvertently fallen into. _

**Cloud, 16 **

He woke up slowly, unable to see through the liquid which he was encased in. He didn't understand...How could he have possibly ended up in laboratory? He should have been dead...At least he could make out Zack, who was also looking around in horrified confusion.

"Hello, specimen 'C'," said cold voice outside the tank. Cloud tried to yell back, to tell the horrid man before him that he was not a specimen, that they'd made a mistake, but the mako drowned out his complaints.

Hojo laughed, stroking the glass proprietarily

"I made this myself," he said. "It's very useful, don't you think?"

'Let me out!' Cloud mouthed furiously. The scientist tilted his head slightly, as if he couldn't understand.

"Why ever would I do that? You are very valuable, 'C'. You should be proud. I will make you into a far better creature then you could have ever been at Shinra."

Cloud slumped in defeat as he realised that he was the property of this madman. He banged on the glass furiously, but it would not give. Hojo watched him gleefully, occasionally writing notes in his notebook. Cloud began to cry...

**Cloud, 17**

Hojo had finally taken him out of the tube. His body was aching from the effort it took to keep himself upright. The scientist refused to help him, simply directing him to walk over the table. Cloud had had to crawl, each inch causing his body to burn.

'How long have I been in there?' he wondered.

He arrived at the table, but the effort it would take to climb up was too much for him. He felt pathetic, especially with Zack watching him, his eyes wide with fear. Cloud slumped and fell to the floor.

A sharp agony jolted him upright. Hojo had used a lightening materia on him. Cloud struggled to get his breath back, moving his fingers to try to dispel the pain.

"Up, now," the scientist said, holding the materia loosely in his hands.

The young boy grit his teeth and pulled himself up, trying to ignore the sickening pain in his arms.

"About time," Hojo said. He tried the boy down, until the restraints bit into his flesh. "You are weaker than I expected, but I suppose you will have to do. Let's see if the Jenova cells will take."

Cloud thrashed about as the scientist injected something into his arm. He looked down in horror at the black fluid running through this veins. He nearly threw up and he had to bite down hard on his lip to keep himself from screaming. Hojo watched on impassively.

"Very weak," the scientist repeated. "I have more hope for 'Z'."

"Don't you touch him," Cloud said defiantly. "Don't you dare!"

"He is mine, to do with as I will," Hojo said. "I would be more concerned about yourself, 'C'." Cloud wanted to retort, but a wave of cramps hit him and he wasn't able to talk. The pain was so intense...

Then, everything seemed to fade. Like he was falling asleep, even though a part of him was sure he was waking up...

_ "Did you like that, 'C'?" Sephiroth asked mockingly. It took Cloud a moment to realise he was no longer in the memory. _

_"Why are you doing this?" he asked weakly, still able to feel the phantom pain deep in his limbs. _

_"Why not?" Sephiroth replied. "I want to show the world how weak their 'hero' truly is." _

_"The outcome is still the same," Cloud said. "Even if I die now, I still killed you." _

_ This made the silver-haired monster laugh. _

_"Sometimes I forget just how very simplistic you humans are," he said, shaking his head. "Believe what you will, the outcome is still the same." Cloud tensed, furious at the mockery and unable to do anything about it._

_ "You can't keep me here forever," Cloud said. "And this is my past, I can survive reliving it." _

_"I disagree, on both counts. But I suppose we shall see, soon." _

_ The darkness began to creep up on him. He fought desperately to stay conscious, not wanting to be put under Sephiroth's control again. _

_"It's too late, puppet." _

**Cloud, 21 **

He awoke on an unfamiliar battle ground, corpses littering the baron ground. The scent of blood was thick in his nose, utterly overpowering his newly enhanced senses.

_"How very helpless you are,"_ a malevolent voice hissed in his ear. _"A weakling...Truly pathetic."_The boy started, a deep sense of wrongness pervading his entire being.

'This isn't how it happened,' he thought unsurely.

Then he remembered. He had been here and done this before.

'This isn't real,' he told himself. 'So I don't have to walk over to him. I don't have to-' His legs refused to obey his command. He stumbled clumsily to where the SOLDIER lay, battered and bloody.

"Stop this madness," Cloud said stubbornly, trying to look away from where his lover lay dying. "This isn't real!"

_"But it feels real, doesn't it? This taste your failures, of your biggest regrets...I believe I shall kill the girl next." _

"No," Cloud whispered, but it was no use. Sephiroth was control of his thoughts, he had access to every single memory the blonde had ever experienced. To give that kind of power to Zack was one thing, for it to land in the hands of his most powerful and hated enemy was entirely different.

He began to shake. He wasn't sure how long he keep himself sane against this barrage. He wasn't sure how long he'd be stuck like this, or whether he could wake up.

"Please," he whispered desperately. "I need to escape."

Zack's hand grabbed his wrist firmly. Cloud jolted slightly. The SOLDIER had gone pale, and his lips were beginning to turn a nasty shade of blue, but he still managed to smile.

"It's gunna be okay," he said. "Don't you worry."

His eyes widened when Zack faded into the lifestream.

'This isn't what happened,' he thought. 'What is Sephiroth playing at?' Instead of fading, the green glow spread around to the earth, dissolving everything it touched. It spread like fire, consuming even the sky, until there was only green.

_ He was floating, or flying, in a sea of green. He felt peaceful, as if a part of him belonged here. Below him, he could see the planet, beckoning its children, inviting them to safety. _

_ The noise crept up on him gradually, slowly becoming louder and louder until he couldn't barely hear himself think. It was like a million different people were all trying to talk at once. _

_Understanding came to him, followed by panic. _

_ 'I'm the lifestream, the real one,' he thought. It was like when he had gotten mako poisoning, when all the voices had crowded him out, leaving him as little more than a human doll. _

_'What will happen to me now?' he wondered. _

_ The voices were loud and all blended together, so he could only catch snatches of what they were saying. Eventually, there was one that was louder than the others, a woman's voice, crying his name frantically._

_ "I'm right here," he tried to say, but he wasn't sure if anyone heard him over the noise. It didn't matter. Soon afterwards, he felt someone wrap their arms around him, pulling him away from the turbulent stream of souls. _

_ "My poor baby," she whispered, gently running her fingers through his hair. She had beautiful blonde hair and clear blue eyes, just like his had been. He studied her for a moment, unbelieving. _

_ "Mother?"_

_"It's going to be okay," she whispered. "The planet won't let you go, there's nothing to worry about." _

_"Am I dead?" Cloud asked. He couldn't even bring himself to care. As long as he was free from Sephiroth, he would be happy. He was a little disappointed he had left his friends behind, but there was a part of him that wanted it to be true, so he could stay here forever with the ones he had lost. _

_ "Not yet," his mother replied. "I'm sorry, but the planet still needs you." _

_"Oh," said Cloud dully. And he understood, he really did, but he was a little sick of being needed. He'd already had enough of that for one lifetime. _

_"I wish I could take this burden from you." _

_ A flash of pink caught Cloud's attention. Aeris had appeared, in all her glory, looking somehow even more pure and beautiful then when she had been alive. Her eyes sparkled with a radiant light and her smile was light and pain-free. _

_ "Thank you for finding him," Aeris said. _

_"It was my pleasure," she said. She looked at her son intently. _

_"Good bye, Cloud." _

_"Wait!" he cried out, but she was already gone, returned to the planet. _

_ "I'm sorry, but you need to leave," said Aeris. "Don't you feel the planet doesn't want you here?" _

_"Not really," Cloud admitted. "But then again, I've never been too good at understanding it." The Cetra shook her head, a teasing smile on her face. _

_"You're hopeless." _

_ To his surprise, the girl put her arms around him. _

_"I'm so, so sorry," she whispered. "If I'd known the risk, I would have never, ever done what I did." _

_"Uh...It's fine," said Cloud, holding her awkwardly. "It was worth it." Aeris smiled up at him sadly. _

_"You think so?" _

_"Yeah." _

_ Even being here, being able to see Aeris and his mother again, if only for a few moments, was worth it. It felt like so much had been taken away from him, it was a blessing to be able to reclaim some of it, no matter the cost. _

_ "Why is it that I can see you now?" Cloud asked. _

_"Because you're in a coma, I think," Aeris replied. "You're breaking the barriers between life and death, you know. You never seem to be able to stay out of trouble." The last admonishment was said with a sad smile. Clearly Aeris wasn't able to forget what part she had played in his current trouble, even if Cloud had forgiven her. _

_ "Could I see him?" Cloud asked. Aeris laughed softly. _

_"I knew you'd say that," she said. _

_"Is it possible?" he pressed, looking beseechingly at Aeris. He couldn't pass up this one last opportunity._

_ "I'm already here."Cloud turned around, his mouth open in shock. There was Zack, looking exactly like he had so very long ago, but healthier. His skin looked sunkissed once again, not pale and wan like it had been after Nibelheim and his eyes were pure grey, untainted by mako._

_"Perfect," Cloud breathed, making Zack laugh. _

_"Well, I've always thought so," the ex-SOLDIER said, running a hand through his hair. "Until I met you, that is." Cloud rolled his eyes. It was nice to know that Zack really hadn't changed all that much. _

_ Zack took a deep breath, his expression becoming more serious. _

_"I told you to take care of yourself, not medicate yourself half to death," Zack scolded. "Tifa's very worried, you know." _

_"I didn't mean too," Cloud said. He saw Aeris, who was watching, give a slight shake of her head, but she didn't interrupt the pair. _

_"I know. It'll get better now. You'll see." He moved closer, fiddling idly with a lock of the blonde's hair. _

_"I can't imagine that," said Cloud bitterly. _

_ He could feel Zack's breath on his ear. When he leaned in slightly, he could smell the scent of the forest and fresh cut grass. It was all so wonderful, he wondered if dying meant existing like this forever. _

_'Probably not,' the logical part of his brain informed him. 'The legends say the dead are absorbed within the Planet, after all.' _

_ "You just need to let yourself be happy again." Cloud turned his head and refused to answer. He knew he was being obstinate, but being happy would have to involve forgetting Zack, something which he had promised himself he'd never do. _

_ "Listen, if you want to remember me, be happy," Zack insisted. "I don't care what that takes, as long as you're happy." Cloud finally looked up at him, astounded by the depth of emotion which resided his lover's eyes. _

_"I promise," Cloud said solemnly. _

_ As those words were uttered the vibrant green light radiating from the 'walls' of the lifestream seemed to fade away, leaving him standing in near-darkness. _

_'I'm waking up,' he realised sadly. He wanted to do so much more. He had so many little questions to ask, so many more things to say, but this was it. He could only hope that, when the end came, they could be together once again. _

_ There was a roaring in his ears and even though Zack was still very close, watching him with sad eyes, his words seemed to come from afar. _

_ "I'll be waiting." _

For a moment, he thought that Sephiroth had managed to get a hold of him once again. The bright lights, the white walls and the IV which was placed in his hand were all frighteningly familiar. The only thing which calmed him down was realising that he wasn't restrained.

He took a deep breath, wincing as the smell of anti-septics and illness hit him. If he listened, he could hear steady beeping and the gentle footsteps of the nurses outside. A quick look at the clock revealed it was 3:23am, explaining the relative calm inside the hospital.

Cloud turned over restlessly, wondering how he was supposed to keep his promise to Zack. He hadn't really thought about being happy for the sake of being happy in a long time. He remembered being happy during his dreams, of course, but that kind of happiness was obviously out of the question.

Other memories awoke in his mind, small moments where he had been happy. Most of them had occurred with his makeshift family and his friends, on those few occasions when he allowed himself to relax.

'I guess it won't hurt to try, for your sake,' he thought to himself, looking out the window into the night sky. He couldn't imagine that the pain would ever go away, not completely, but maybe one day he would be able to smile without bitterness.

The door swung open suddenly. Cloud turned around to see Tifa, her hair dishevelled and eyes shadowed with bruises. She was holding a mug of tea in hands which shook slightly.

"Cloud?" she asked. "You're awake!" She put the mug down on a table and rushed over to him.

"I've been so worried, I thought you'd relapsed. You were asleep for a whole day and you were talking, but it didn't make any sense! I should have left to go get the kids but I couldn't, I just couldn't, not until I knew you were going to be okay -" The young woman began to sob.

Cloud stood up carefully and walked to where she was standing. He put his arms around her gently, pulling her close.

"Sssh...It's going to be okay, Tifa. I promise..."

_"It'll get better now. You'll see. " _

**The End **

**Author's Note : I hope the format wasn't too confusing for everyone, I had a lot of difficulties deciding on how exactly I was going to represent what was going on...I've deleted re-written sections of this so many times :( But now the official storyline is done and there's just the epilogue to go. It'll be nice and fluffy, for once, so writing it will make a nice change. I hope this chapter will help clarify everything up, though if you have more questions feel free to PM/review...I might have forgotten some stuff which may or may not be appropriate in the epilogue. **


	16. Epilogue

_The Future_

**Zack **

_"Can you hear me?" _

The question roused Zack from the middle of the lifestream. He slowly became self aware again, no longer part of the greater stream of consciousness.

'Cloud,' he thought slowly, savouring the name and the memories which returned to him. 'Are you...here?'

_"I wanted to talk to you, but It's hard to know if you're listening. Zack...It's been so long since I heard your voice. That one time, after the Geostigma incident, was so brief I sometimes doubt it really was you. I guess I just have to hope you can hear this." _

Zack opened his eyes and looked around, but all he could make out was the ever-present green of the walls. If he concentrated, he could see the image of a blonde-haired man, standing in front of a sword near the church.

"I'm right here," he said, even though he knew Cloud couldn't hear him.

_"I have a son, now. It sounds strange to hear myself say those words. I never had a father, so I'm not quite sure what to do. I think I did an okay job with Denzel, though, so maybe I can do this, too." _

'A son,' Zack thought to himself in shock. He could remember, vaguely, discovering that Tifa was pregnant. Cloud's shock had awoken him and he had panicked, thinking that the Planet was under attack again. He had been relieved at first and then (though he didn't like to admit it to himself) a little bit jealous. He had worried that his plan to have Cloud move on had worked a little _too _well.

'It would be his right to move on, if that's what was best for him,' Zack thought. 'But where would that leave me?'

_"His name is Angeal...I thought it would be a good legacy to give him. After all, I know just how much he meant to you." _

Zack stared at Cloud for a while, shocked and pleased at that announcement.

'So, after all this time, you still remembered?' he thought. 'I'm glad. It's selfish, I know, but I can't help but be happy you remembered after all this time.'

_"I watch him and wonder what his life is going to be like. After everything that's happened, it seems impossible that everything could finally be peaceful." _

"You, worried? I would have never guessed," Zack said, shaking his head lightly. Cloud might have gotten happier during the years that they had been separated, but he hadn't quite managed to lighten up.

_Cloud laughed softly. _

_"You'd be telling me off for being pessimistic by now, I'm sure," he said. "And you'd probably be right." _

"Of course I'm right," Zack replied, wondering if the words might reach Cloud's subconscious somehow. "I always am!"

_"I'm trying to do everything right. Trying to live up to my promise to you, too. It's...not always easy." _

It was torment for Zack, to hear the sadness in Cloud's voice and not be able to help him. He longed to reach through the walls of the lifestream, to hold Cloud for a second, to tell him it was all going to be okay.

'He has Tifa for that,' he reminded himself. The thought was not entirely comforting.

_"But I'm grateful to you, anyway, for making me try. If not for the promise I made you, I probably would have never tried to reach out to the people around me." Cloud began to pace slightly and Zack could just make out a wry smile on his face. "I think, maybe, you know me a little too well, Zack." _

"Cloud-watching is one of my many hobbies, you know," Zack said. He kind of hoped Cloud didn't hear that unfortunate comment. If Zack wasn't already dead, Cloud probably would have sent him to the lifestream for the stupid pun.

_Cloud stopped in front of the buster sword, placing his hands reverently on the hilt. _

_'You'd better remember that you promised me something, too,' he said solemnly. 'I've got a lot of things to say to you, you know and questions I want you to answer, so you had better be waiting for me.' _

Zack couldn't help but smile. Of course he would be there. He wished he had a way of making Cloud see that.

In an effort to make his words audible to Cloud, he tried to lean through the walls of the lifestream. The attempt made him feel dizzy, a mock-vertigo sensation which he would have thought impossible. He was only just able to get the words out before he was returned to the main part of the lifestream.

_"A hero always keeps their promises, Cloud." _

**Author's Note : Which brings us all to the end of **_**In Your Shadow**_**. I hope you all enjoyed it, because I know I enjoyed writing it. I would like to thank everyone for their comments and support, I know I say (write?) this all the time, but it really does mean a lot to me, so thank you.**

**I know the epilogue was a bit sparse, which I apologize for, but going into details about the other characters felt strange in the context of that 'discussion'...I mostly just wanted to show everyone how Zack was feeling, because he can be a bit deceptive, I think...What he says is not exactly how he's feeling, so to speak. **


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